Oh Happy Day!

Today, our sweet Avery Kate would be 7 years old. Seven. No matter how many times I say it, I still cannot fathom it. How can my little baby girl be seven years old? How is my baby spending yet another birthday in Heaven? It just doesn’t seem right. Usually this day, her birthday, brings me so much joy, but I seem to be struggling with it this year. I look back on one of the greatest days of my life and try to smile. I remember that smile I had seven years ago. The “ignorance is bliss” smile. I remember watching Hallie’s face when she saw her sister for the first time. It gave me a feeling that is unexplainable, just amazing. September 1, 2011 was simply the best day ever. I look back at all the photos from that day and I miss those people. I miss that Brandi. I miss that care-free smile I wore. I miss that calmness I possessed. I wasn’t afraid that my baby would ever stop breathing, and I surely was never afraid to put her to sleep. Those were the good ol’ days right? Thank goodness we didn’t know what was ahead for us, because nothing will ever replace that joy and happiness that we experienced that day.
I have a different smile now, a different calmness, and many many fears. This whole experience has changed me; it’s changed all of us. But what I like to do on this day every year is spread a joy and happiness that’s equivalent to how we all felt on this day seven years ago. She made my world a better place and I know she would love if we continued the tradition. Today, I will laugh through the tears and smile through the storm and truly make this day feel like her happy birthday. Happy birthday to my sweet Avery Kate! Mommy loves you and misses you every second of every day.

Why Can't Real Life Be As Perfect As Our Facebook Posts?

Every day millions of people scroll through their Facebook news feeds numerous times. I know I'm guilty of this. I don't know how I managed the silence of a waiting room before cell phones. But Facebook is only the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more going on in people's lives that we don't get to see, so we assume life is great. We see a photo of a family laughing and swimming and think, "they're so happy! They're just living the dream." When in reality, those photos aren't showing the hurt and pain those people may be experiencing.
For the most part, I feel like I've held myself together and walked each step of my post-SIDS journey learning something new about myself and my family. Some days are great, and others are pretty rough. This past week has been extra tough and I felt myself swallowing harder and harder as the week progressed. Sometimes I don't necessarily know what triggers these feelings of sadness, but it became pretty clear last night as I scrolled mindlessly through my Facebook newsfeed. School has begun in a few nearby cities and of course everyone is posting their obligatory first day of school photos. It gets me every year. Every. Single. Year. I realize I'll have one less photo than I should on my post next week. I look at all the little girls with grins from ear to ear, crisp new uniforms, white socks, squeaky clean shoes, shiny new backpacks, and of course that school bow clipped onto those ponytails. And I can't help but wonder what Avery Kate would have looked like on her first day. Would she have picked a gaudy sparkly backpack like Aubrey? Or would she have picked a more mature, plain backpack like Hallie? Maybe a flower pattern of some sort? Honestly, I have been wiping tears from my face since I started typing. I think when school starts each year, it just reminds me of yet another milestone that my baby has missed. I enjoy watching her grow up through other children her age, but sometimes it feels like a punch in the gut! Avery Kate would be in the first grade this year. I see other first graders and I see my last photos of Avery Kate and I can't even imagine her being old enough to go to school. The last time I saw her, she was my sweet two-month old baby girl. When I think about her, I'm thinking of that baby, when in reality she's almost 7 years old! I think that's where a lot of my grief originates. I grieve for her, and I miss her sounds and her smell. But I grieve the "what should have been" moments a lot too. I grieve the things I wanted to do with her. I grieve the vacations with all my children, all four of my children. I grieve the fights she would've had with her sisters. I grieve the sassiness she may have brought to our lives. For me, grieving isn't just about me missing her physical presence, but it's everything else that comes along with her absence in our lives. I also feel that grief is portrayed as something we are supposed to overcome. But it's not. It's a process. And for anyone who has lost a child, grief is also the realization that our lives will never be the same again. I still enjoy life and have fun, but she is always on my mind.
I've posted numerous photos this summer of our family enjoying the hell out of life! Brandon and I went on an adult only trip to Punta Cana with 8 other couples. We had a blast! When we checked into our room, there was a picture of white feathers hanging above our bed. Our little girl is always finding a way to send us our feather winks. Since Brandon's birthday and my birthday are only two days apart we had a foam pool party to celebrate. It was really cool! We took the kids to the Woodlands Resort in Texas with other family members and just relaxed and enjoyed the sunshine. We've also attended a few other events and fundraisers that allowed us to let loose and cut a rug. Anyone who knows me, knows I love to take pictures and my Facebook page has been a true testament to that. It's been picture overload!

It wasn't until this morning that someone told me she wished she had my glamourous life;  I look like I have so much fun all the time. Little did she know about the lump in my throat that I had been struggling to swallow since Tuesday. But of course, I put my cheerleader smile on and said, "Oh girl! We only get one chance at life. Do it right!" And I mean that, I truly do, but it made me realize that I haven't written on my blog in over a year. I've let all sorts of feelings and emotions hide inside of me. There are so many people out there who are dealing with these same feelings and think they're alone. No one posts photos of themselves during their weakest moments, or their darkest hours; I know I don't. I don't want pity. I don't want anyone knowing my weaknesses. But I also think we have to support one another and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. I'm not perfect. I have good days and I have bad days. We're all human just trying to make it through life; one step at a time. We all carry different crosses, mine just happens to be the loss of a child.
I always feel like a huge weight is lifted from my chest when I write on this blog, and today I realized just how therapeutic it is for me. While I may not post photos of myself crying, comforting my other children, or even checking Evie's video monitor in the middle of the night, I will post about my thoughts and feelings more often. Even if I can help one mom to know she's not alone on her journey, then I've succeeded.
I challenge all of you to see past the rainbows and butterflies and remember that Facebook is just for fun. Real life doesn't have a filter, but it's the life we were given, and what we do with it from here on out is truly what counts.

Same Story; New Chapter

Life with three children has kept us pretty busy these last few months. Evie is now 8 months old. Yes, 8 months already. I can't even believe how quickly life has flown by lately. If the saying, "Time flies when you're having fun" is indeed true, then we must be having some fun!
The beginning months with Evie were pretty similar to those first few months with Aubrey. I was full of fear and constantly worried that something was going to happen to her. I tried my best to walk by faith, not by sight, but sometimes that is just easier said than done. I spent many nights staring at the blinking lights of her apnea monitor, watching the light blink with each breath and another blinking light with each beat of her heart. I fell asleep to those lights many nights, and on the flip side, I was also awoken by the monitor's ear-piercing alarm many times. I don't think my heart will ever be the same after those middle of the night alerts. No matter how many precautions I took with Evie, deep down I knew nothing I could do would ever protect her completely. It's funny how we think we are in charge of our lives sometimes, when in reality, we control nothing. I think that's one of the toughest lessons of parenthood.
These past few weeks have been extremely monumental for us. Evie has been staying with Honey and Pops since I went back to work in January. Bringing her there brought back so many memories of the days that I brought Avery Kate there, especially that last morning. I had that flashback every single morning when I walked out of their house. But I knew that I was leaving Evie in the best hands, and once again, I'm not the one in charge. She spent five months there and it felt really good to see them on a daily basis. It was just good for my soul! When I dropped Evie off there for her last day, I cried off and on the entire day. I just didn't realize how tough it would be. Picking her up was even tougher. We will still continue to visit Honey and Pops often, but having Evie there somehow made me feel just a little bit closer to Avery Kate. They were the last faces she saw, the last voices she heard, and the last arms she was held in. They just mean the world to me, and I am so blessed and thankful they agreed to keep Evie for us. But all good things must come to an end. Evie is now at Mrs. Kathy's with Aubrey. She's only been there for a week now, but I think she's adjusting well. I know Aubrey is loving that she can be there with her and be the big sister without Hallie taking over. (Hallie goes to the summer care at her school)
The next big step I knew I had to take was discontinuing the apnea monitor. I didn't remember how long I left Aubrey on hers, and honestly I didn't want to know because I was trying not to compare the two situations. Even though they were both my rainbow babies, I couldn't compare my grief and my fears. Four years had passed between the two, and even though my grief had progressed tremendously, I was still terrified. One night, when Evie was exactly eight months old, we decided to just rip off the Band-Aid. We put her to sleep that night without the monitor, and knew there was no turning back. I woke up probably 50 times throughout the night and checked on her. She's still sleeping next to our bed at night, so needless to say, that first week without the monitor wore me out. I hardly slept. It was like I had a crying newborn baby at home, when in reality, I just had a super quiet eight month old who actually "slept like a baby" right next to me. I'm learning to embrace the change...slowly, but surely. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for listening to my heart and not setting expectations on myself to move through these small milestones.
I know my next step will be to put Evie in her own room. Well, I'll just say that I don't see that happening any time soon, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Baby steps. Baby steps.
All in all, adjusting to life with three little girls has been pretty pleasant. Sometimes life gets stressful and we might hit a few bumps in the road here and there, but that's what makes this journey unique. And that's what makes this journey ours. Every day we will continue to walk along this journey of life with our little angel alongside us. Some days are tough; some days are easy. But this is the life we were chosen to live and we are taking it one step at a time.

Busy Year; Double Rainbow

It's been over a year since I've posted, and a very busy year at that. On February 4, God decided that our family needed another baby. I've always felt in my heart that I wanted another child, but I never knew if it was because I knew I had 3 children, but only had 2 here on Earth. And if that would be the case, then I would never catch up. I would always feel one child short. I just couldn't distinguish the difference in wanting to have another baby and feeling emptiness from Avery Kate's death. Brandon and I decided to leave it in God's hands. I was terrified! I swear the moment we decided to leave it up to God, he took over and I was pregnant. It took me a few months to comprehend that we would have another baby, and once again I was scared. I knew what it was like to raise a baby following the death of another child, and it was rough! I didn't think my heart could handle that again. And for all of you who remember my pregnancies...this one was no different. Vomiting every day, all day. Multiple hospital visits (along with some friendly home visits) to receive IV fluids. It was just as terrible as the other three, yet I still felt so incredibly lucky and blessed to have another child growing inside of me.
Evie Elizabeth Soileau was born almost four weeks early on September 21, 2016. She weighed 6lbs 8oz and was absolutely perfect. Evie is the perfect blend of all three of her sisters. At different moments of each day, she will look exactly like Hallie, then she will fall asleep and look like Aubrey, and then when her hair gets crazy and fluffy, she looks just like Avery Kate.

Hallie asked me if Avery Kate had picked out a sister for them and sent her to Earth. Absolutely! I couldn't think of any other way to explain it. And the funny thing is, now that Evie is here, I feel like our family is complete. I guess God really did know what He was doing after all. I'm still a nervous wreck and completely over protective of her, but I know in my heart that she is here to stay. And in a way, I feel like I have a piece of Avery Kate back with me. We have her hooked up to the apnea monitor from the hospital which is definitely a blessing and a curse. I can sleep at ease knowing that it will alert me if she stops breathing or if her heart rate becomes too high or too low. On the other hand, it also has many false alarms. The first night that it went off, I fainted. Yep, I jumped up out of a dead sleep, obviously too quickly, and the combination of the loud beeping from the machine and my completely still baby was just too much for me to handle. So down I went. Thinking back on that night makes me giggle, although it wasn't very funny at the time. I even chipped the paint on the wall in our bedroom; I've always had a heard head. There are less false alarms now that I've found the "magic spot" on her belly to put the leads. And you know, even though I know in my heart that Evie is here to stay, I still worry like crazy. But then I think back to that bible verse, "For we walk by faith, not by sight." I take a deep breath, and let it go because it's out of my hands.

Today was the day that I've dreaded since Evie was born. Today, she is the same age that Avery Kate was when she died. To add to my anxiety, a friend here in town lost her baby in the 39th week of her pregnancy. I went to the funeral home last night, and her baby was there lying in the same place that we had Avery Kate five years ago. The memories flooded my brain. Everywhere I looked, I was reminded of that dreadful day where I was able to see my baby's body for the last time, tuck her in, and say goodbye forever. Her baby was so perfect and it's just heart wrenching to see another mom experiencing so much pain, a pain that I know all too well.
Needless to say, I was extremely tenderhearted this morning. I've watched Evie like a hawk since we woke up. I had a nice long walk with another friend who also has a sweet angel baby in Heaven. Seriously? Why are there so many mommas of angel babies? It just doesn't seem fair. Anyways, it was great therapy for the both of us, since she also visited the funeral home last night and was flooded with her own memories of her awful day there as well. After our walk, I just came home and held my sweet Evie girl. I swear I've been squeezing her and kissing her face since her 6AM feeding! I look at her and I feel many different emotions. I'm so thankful that God chose me to be her mommy. I'm so thankful to have each and every second with her. And then, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that in an instant, my heart will be ripped from my chest once again. I look back to where I was five years ago, and I've come so far. Then when all those memories are flashed back at me, I feel like I take a step back in my grief journey. I'm OK, it just reminds me of those days when I thought my life was perfect and the days when I was oblivious that my worst fears could ever be a reality. It's been five years since I've had those feelings, but I must say, since Evie was born, I've felt the closest to my former self. I still have that vacant space in my heart and in my arms, and I know I am changed forever, but I'm becoming a little more OK with our new "normal."

That Time of Year

Most people associate fall with beautiful weather, pumpkin spice everything, changing colors, and complete happiness. Even though I might enjoy a PSL from Starbucks every now and then, for me, this time of year brings so much anxiety and sadness. From Halloween up until Avery Kate's Angel-versary (tomorrow) I remember and re-live every single moment that I had with her. I remember the outfits she wore, what she smelled like, the way she looked at me, the noises she made, and the list goes on. Last night was especially hard because I remember the details of that LSU vs Alabama football game just those few nights before she passed away. Four years later and I can still remember dressing her that morning, taking her picture, going out to eat for breakfast with Brandon and our girls..... I remember Hallie's pancake, I remember the waitress oohing and ahhing over Avery Kate. I remember the house that we went to for the "big game." I remember where I set her car seat down outside since we watched the game on a big screen. I remember eating what seems like 20 helpings of grilled green beans! I also remember changing her into her jammies before we left that night....very, very vividly. So last night was extra difficult being that our friends were all gathering once again to watch the "big game." I honestly don't think I watched more than 10 minutes of the game. It wasn't necessarily the best game to watch, but it just helped to keep my mind busy inside talking with the ladies. As it got closer to the time for us to leave, the lump in my throat got bigger and bigger. I always imagine what it would be like to have her here with us playing with all the kids, but last night was just extra hard. And I knew it was going to be that way. I've had anxiety about that night all week. But I made it and Hallie and Aubrey had a blast playing all night with their friends.
Sometimes I wonder if the reason these few days are the hardest for me is because I keep trying to replay those days over and over in my mind to see if there was something I missed. Was there a sign that I didn't see? Maybe if I would have done something differently that night. I know we can't change the past, but it's so hard to have no answers. I'm normally pretty accepting of this, but not this week. This season just brings out all of my emotions.
We took our Christmas card pictures last week... yep; during my emotional bliss! I'm always looking for ways to include Avery Kate without being gaudy or tacky and I am soooooo very pleased with the way they turned out. My absolute favorite is the one of my THREE girls. Wow! It feels so good to write that. I have a picture of my three girls. Amazing! I put Avery Kate's picture inside of the word JOY. This will help to remind us of the joy this little girl brought to us during her short stay on Earth. I absolutely love it! It also helps to have a great friend as a photographer. She knows how to capture my thoughts without me even explaining them to her.(I added my two favorites below.)
Tomorrow brings to an end another entire year that we have spent without Avery Kate. Four years. Four years without that beautiful baby girl in our lives. We will always wonder what she would have been, what she would have looked like, what trouble these girls of mine would be getting into together, and I could just go on forever. Even though I wonder a lot, I can tell you what I imagine.... I imagine a little girl who looks somewhat like Aubrey, but with darker hair. Her smile lights up every room. She and Hallie play very well together, but she and Aubrey butt heads. I daydream about the three of them playing together all the time. And oddly enough, Hallie does the same thing! Every now and then, she will come in and tell me how life is not fair! Avery Kate should be playing Candyland with them right now! And I completely agree with that little girl. She is so smart and so in-tuned with her sister. I'm so grateful that she still thinks about her so often, but on the other hand, I worry about her. It hurts my heart to know the pain she bears at such a young age. Children are supposed to be out playing with their friends and having fun! I hate that Hallie worries about death, Heaven, angels, etc. But we don't get to choose our lives, and I know our parents wouldn't choose this life for us either. We accept it, and make the best of every day.
Life isn't fair, we know this. But we aren't the ones writing this story. I believe our Avery Kate chapter is just getting started. I don't believe that her chapter was ever closed. She makes a difference in every day of my life and I know she is continuing to touch others as well. One day, we will see our beautiful baby girl again, but until we meet again..... I will continue to imagine and daydream who she would have been and what our lives would have been with Avery Kate still here on Earth. Happy 4th Angel-versary to my sweet Avery Kate! Our lives are forever changed and you will always be in our hearts.
The girls wore their feather shirts today in remembrance of their angel sister in Heaven. I pray that Avery Kate sends little white feathers to all those who are in trouble and need guidance this week. I also pray that she will send those little feathers to anyone who is needing a special little wink to know that Heaven is for real, and that we have some pretty amazing support coming from above.
Avery Kate Soileau September 1, 2011 - November 9, 2011.

This is Just the Beginning

It's been almost an entire year since my last post. I've sat down at the computer numerous times and tried to put my thoughts into words but it just never worked. It was a super busy and crazy year to say the least! My first and best friend in the whole world got married as well as two of my brothers.... yes TWO of them! Brandon's sister had her first baby whom I am so lucky to call my godchild. And in the midst of all the wedding fun we took the girls on a surprise trip to Disney World. It was a year to remember!
Aubrey has grown up so much and she just reminds me of Hallie when she was that age. Not at all her behavior because in that department those girls are NIGHT AND DAY! I mean more like the questions that Aubrey asks me and the comments that she makes. And that makes me miss Avery Kate. Aubrey is the age that Hallie was when she was Avery Kate's big sister. My heart breaks all over again seeing Aubrey's mind work and remembering that, yes, Hallie absolutely knew her little sister and she knows that she is gone forever. I guess I tried to convince myself that Hallie was so young she won't remember much of the heartache; only the happy stories that we will share. Wrong. That little girl remembers everything. The other night I could hear her crying her little heart out in her bed. I went in there and she was asking me how old Avery Kate was. I used a friend's little girl as an example since they would be the same age. Hallie lost it! She screamed, "She can walk!? She can talk? And we don't get to see it??" Well of course I feel the same way. My little girl is growing up and I am missing it. I feel like I've come so far, yet I have so much more ahead of me.
I do think it's so neat to watch Hallie teach Aubrey about Avery Kate. She tells her she's in Heaven, but I know Aubrey thinks that means she is on the wall in our bedroom. Aubrey wears some of Avery Kate's bows or bracelets and I always tell her that her sister gave them to her. She just smiles.
I cleaned out the playroom one day and threw out a bunch of old stuffed animals. Well I found a pink bear and a white bear that I knew came from a plant or flower arrangement from Avery Kate's funeral. Hallie quickly snatched them up and gave the white one to Aubrey and kept the pink one for herself. They both call their bears Avery Kate, which I have to admit is kind of creepy at first, but then again it's so sweet that they both choose to sleep with "their sister" every single night. It just warms my heart and I guess it also makes me smile to hear her name used so often in our home.
I realize this post may be all over the place but the real reason I am finally able to sit down and write is because this has been by far the toughest week I've had in a while. Avery Kate's birthday is September 1. For all you teachers and former teachers out there, you know I was already struggling with the decision about when she would start school the minute I found out my due date with her. Would I start her in pre-K at age 3 and let her turn 4 a few weeks into the school year? That would mean she would graduate at 17 instead of 18. She's a girl so sports wouldn't be a factor in holding her back. I'm telling you, these thoughts had already consumed me just while I was pregnant. Well this is the year I thought I would be"dreading" although I never knew just how much I would be actually dreading it and never imagined it would be for the fact that I don't get to make that decision for her anymore. I don't get to decide if she can start pre-k this week or if I would wait and start her next year. She won't start school this year, next year, or ever. And all of this heart ache and upset just made me realize: honey this is just the beginning. This week I watched as all of my friends sent their babies off to pre-k. Gosh I never truly realized how many friends I have with children her age. It took me seeing all the names on those pre-k class lists to realize just how many friends she would have had in her grade. Some of these friends we knew as babies and they "knew" Avery Kate as well, and others we have met within the past few years. I just scrolled through all these pictures people had posted of their pre-k kids on facebook and tried to imagine my little Avery Kate starting school, wearing her tiny little uniform, holding her "My 1st Day of Pre-K" sign, running in her classroom to meet her little friends, and the list goes on. My heart physically hurts. And that's just this week. What about when they all make their first communion? What about when they all start high school? What about when they all graduate? What about when they all get married? What about when they all have children of their own? It's absolutely just the beginning. I knew this day would come, but I didn't realize just how hard it would be. I'm having such a hard time imagining what she would even look like. How long would her hair be? Would she look more like Hallie or Aubrey, or have a look of her own? I have so many questions and what ifs flowing through my brain right now that I can barely keep my thoughts straight. And again.... this is only the beginning.
September 1 will be here in a little over a week. I asked Hallie and Aubrey what they would like to do for Avery Kate's birthday. Aubrey immediately shouted out that she wanted candy and cake...shocker! But Hallie.....She just has such an old soul... she says, "Well mom, who are her friends? We can invite them all over and let them play and eat birthday cake." Sweet girl! What a great idea she had, but clearly I cannot handle anything like that, especially with the week I've had. So we all decided to send her some birthday balloons. Simple and sweet. Then Hallie asked me, "Which cloud is Heaven?" It's like she wants to know exactly where we are sending these balloons. She doesn't go a day without asking about Avery Kate or drawing pictures of her at school. She's been bringing me feathers every time she is outside playing. She always asks, "Is this from a bird or did Avery Kate send this to me?" Of course her sister sends all of them! I love my little girls! I just wish I had them all here with me. I know I have to settle for an angel, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.
Well, I have to admit I feel much better after writing this, but I still know in my heart...it's just the beginning.

Three Years Old

My blog began as a way for me to document each moment I had with my sweet Avery Kate as well as a way for Hallie to be able to look back and remember her sister. It quickly evolved into my of helping other parents suffering from the loss of their children. I wanted them to know they weren't alone, and their feelings were completely normal. The more I poured my heart out into this blog, I realized it had become therapeutic for me. It helped me to get my feelings out at my own pace. I began to blog less and less and I knew it was because I just didn't feel that need to "get it all out." I'm not saying that I'm over it, or that I don't cry and ask God, "Why?" But I  am getting better at being the mommy of a true angel. Fewer events in life catch me off guard and I'm walking through each day with Avery Kate by my side,  guiding me in the right direction.
This weekend, Labor Day Weekend, each year is always a tough one. I start getting emotional and really tender hearted. This year was no exception. I can't help but think about it's supposed to  be, well how I wish it would be. This is just another year where there is no birthday party, no cute girlie cake, no candles, no presents, no little girls running around my house, no birthday girl. No birthday girl.. Wow.. It's still hard to type. I see the other children that are the same age as Avery Kate and I can't help but wonder what she would be like today. Would she have brown hair like Hallie or blonde hair like Aubrey? What would her birthday party theme be? It's all so hard to imagine. Hallie wants to send Avery Kate a cake up in heaven. I told her she could make a special card and we would send it up with balloons. She also asked when she was going to go to Heaven which my response is always, "Hopefully not any time soon!" It's one of those questions where you can't ever be certain of what our future holds and as much as I want to promise her that we will all be here with her forever, we all know very well that is not the case. Hallie was upset last night and was so focused on the fact that Avery Kate really isn't coming back. It's so hard to tell her that and to know that this is reality and not a long lasting nightmare.
Tomorrow, we will go and bring Avery Kate some new bright and cheery flowers and we will send her 3 balloons up to heaven to symbolize the 3 years that we have all loved her and held her in our hearts. September 1, 2011 was one of the best days of my life. It's all because she entered my world and made my life that much more meaningful. I think of her every day, and I know that she makes me a better person. I look at life differently because of her. I appreciate the people in my life and know they were brought to me for a reason. I am more patient (for the most part) because I realize that most of the time the things that would just piss me off in the past, truly don't matter.
I continue to get my little winks from Avery Kate too. We went on a family vacation last month and when we got out of the car at our first stop, there was a tiny white feather on the ground right at my feet. There's just no way that was a coincidence... No way! I hear songs on the radio at 11:11 that remind me of her. I pray to her every day, but I still long for the day where I can think of her and not get that lump in my throat. I LOVE talking about her. It makes me feel like she is still remembered, but it sure does give me that lump... Every single time! I miss her so much!
So here's to you Avery Kate! On your third birthday... I wish you a happy happy birthday! What better place to celebrate than in heaven.... Even though the human side of me would much rather her celebrate here with me and the rest of our family. I love you sweet girl! We will see you again....