Aubrey's Room is Complete

Sweet Girl's room is ready :)

 

We were able to reuse the monogrammed bedding since they share the same initials.

Waiting for Aubrey's newborn pictures to go here.

 I couldn't think of a better quote for this wall. (Ordered from Etsy)

Happy Golden Birthday Avery Kate!

The day that I'd been dreading for the past few months finally was here. I had anxiety about it all week and was just so nervous about the way I would feel. A part of me was mad at God for not allowing Avery Kate to be here with her family on her special day. Another part of me was depressed because I wanted to be having a big birthday party for Avery Kate with a special cake and a cute little outfit. And then a small, very small, part of me was happy for her because I knew she'd have the best birthday anyone could ask for. She got to celebrate with Jesus. It was her Golden Birthday (Turning 1 on the 1st) and I bet it sure was golden up there. But again, I'm human and wanted my baby with me on her birthday, so only a tiny part of me could feel comfort by thinking about that. Although it did bring a little smile to my face and to my heart imagining what she was doing up there. I just kept imagining her little face digging into her birthday cake; gosh I miss her so much!
I let Hallie pick out a special balloon to bring to Avery Kate's grave. She also wrote a little note that we tied to another balloon. She was going to send her birthday note to Avery Kate in Heaven, but she had a break down and couldn't let go of the balloon, so it's still in our car. The thought was there though! We also got Cypi's cupcakes. Hallie ate an entire strawberry cupcake (a Cypi's cupcake is equivalent to almost 2.5 normal cupcakes) on her first birthday. I just had to eat one for Avery Kate's birthday. It just brought tears to my eyes and caused a big lump in my throat the whole time I ate it. It should have been Avery Kate chowing down on this cupcake, not me. It just made me realize what she was missing. I'm not even sure if those are the right words, because she's the lucky one! She is in the happiest place imaginable. But as a mother, I feel like she'll never have a birthday party, a Christmas morning with her family, a family vacation, etc. I could go on forever with my list of she'll never..... I guess it might be me who feels like I am really the one missing out on something though. I want to celebrate with her and do all of these things with her. So in the reality of all of this, Avery Kate is more than OK, and as a mother, that's really what I want for her. One day I'll be OK about this too, just not now. I don't think that any mother should have to go to a grave yard to bring her child a birthday balloon. It still doesn't make sense to me sometimes, and it might not ever make complete sense to me. That's just the place that I allow my faith to fill in the gaps. That's what will keep me going.

We had a very special birthday dinner with our family and closest friends. It was so amazing to feel a room full of such love and support. These people, along with many, many others are the reason that we have made it through each day. There is absolutely no way we could have done this alone. Brandon, Hallie, and I are so blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives. It gave me goosebumps to walk into a room full of people who were there to celebrate the life of Avery Kate. To me, it meant that she has touched their lives in some way and she is still remembered. It truly was an amazing feeling.

When we left the restaurant, we all went to Avery Kate's grave. We lit sky lanterns and sang "Happy Birthday" to our sweet angel as the lanterns drifted off into the sky. It was just breath taking and everything I imagined it would be. We all held hands and said a special prayer. Honestly, the experience I had that night is just indescribable. It was a celebration of a sweet angel's life, not a sad, depressing night.

I miss "my little fluffy head" every single moment of every single day. I realize that this birthday was only the beginning. Brandon and I were talking about how we will be remembering Avery Kate on this day for the next 80 years, God willing. She will never be forgotten. We are all so lucky to have known her. We were truly blessed to have an angel living amongst us for ten weeks last year. Now, I feel that we are blessed to have her watching over us and protecting us every day.
Happy Birthday to my sweet girl! I love you and miss you with every piece of my heart.

Here is the Happy Birthday Song video:

Here is a link to the full video of the sky lantern send off:

Reality

We've been in school for two full weeks now and I absolutely love my class! Going to school each day is something I look forward to. I enjoy being with the people I work with and I don't feel like I'm surrounded by the memories of "that day."
On the other hand, since I started teaching, I've started contracting just about every 2-3 minutes non-stop! I have 7 weeks left so this is waaay too early. The doctor says it's OK so I'm trusting I'll make it a few more weeks. I'm also getting really nervous! As much as I can't wait to meet Aubrey, I am scared. I don't know what I'm really scared of though. Is it because I don't know how I will react when she is born? Or maybe I'm scared I won't be able to sleep or take my eyes off her? Perhaps I'm scared it will bring back all those emotions and grief of Avery Kate? It may be all of those things too. I just know right now I'm good. Aubrey is in my tummy, safe and sound. Her room is looking so happy and cheerful. I just think I'd like to keep her in my stomach forever; as uncomfortable as it may be! But the reality is, she will be coming out soon, and I don't know what to expect.
I got Aubrey's canvas in this week. Brandon propped it up on her bed and I went in to see it. It was so hard to see that name on the wall. All those memories of the day I got Avery Kate's canvas came rushing back to me. I felt that same excitement to see the finishing touches to Avery Kate's room as I was feeling when I saw Aubrey's canvas. I think that's what upsets me the most. I had all these wonderful, happy feelings while preparing to meet Avery Kate just to have them all ripped from heart. My heart is scared to feel that way again. I know I need to, but it's just so hard. The reality really hit me after seeing Aubrey's name on the wall. This is Aubrey's room. It's not Avery Kate's room. I still cry just thinking about it. But on a positive note, Aubrey's room is just about done and I absolutely love it! I've changed it around just enough to remove the sadness and bring joy to the room. I am very pleased. (Pictures to come soon)
I also realize these next few weeks coming up are going to be really tough. It's even harder on me because of the deja vu factor. I'm pregnant, preparing for a new baby, preparing my class for a transition, etc. I remember exactly what I was doing on these days last year. But again, reality sets in and I have to realize that this is a new year and a different baby. I'm really nervous about Saturday though. It's her birthday and she is not here. I have no party invitations, no first birthday smash cake, no birthday outfit, no birthday girl. We will go out to eat with our family and have a special celebration for her, but it's not the same. This morning I was braiding Hallie's hair for church and she put on her locket with Avery Kate's pictures inside. She said, "I miss her so much." I said, "Hallie, did you know her birthday is on Saturday?" Her words of response absolutely break my heart. She said, "Oh I'm so excited! I'm gonna go to her birthday party and give her a big, sweet hug!" Luckily I was behind her still braiding her hair, so she couldn't see my face. Tears immediately started falling down my cheeks. I told her that Avery Kate would be spending her birthday with Jesus in Heaven and she was just so lucky to be able to do that. I couldn't let her know that in my heart, I thought that it sucked pretty bad that she can't be with us. The more I tell myself how lucky she is to be there in Heaven and it's just us on earth who are sad, the sooner I will truly start to believe it. Right now, to me, it sucks. I don't want this weekend to come. My heart is so tender right now with the anticipation of it coming. It's just not fair that Avery Kate is not here with us on her birthday. I've stayed so positive these past few months, and I've really done well, but right now I am falling apart. I just want my baby girl.
I'm going to try to stay as busy as possible this week and surround myself with positive energy. I'm going to pray every night that God will be with us and help us through this. He hasn't failed me, so I know I can trust that if he's bringing me to it, he'll bring me through it!

New Beginnings, Fresh Start!

School will be starting soon and I started working in my classroom over the summer, just as I usually do. For some reason though, I just couldn't get excited about it. I set up my furniture like I had it last year, and then I did my bulletin boards. Even still, I felt really depressed about the new school year. I knew I had a really good class coming up, but I just didn't want to be there. I remember leaving school one day just absolutely in a slump and knew I had to find a way out. I started to research the possibility of taking a sabbatical or some sort of leave for the year. I am not too sure what I thought that was going to solve or how that would have helped me, but it was the only thing I could think of at the time.
One morning Hallie woke up and asked to go to my school. I thought I would take her there for maybe thirty minutes and she would be ready to go. While we were there, I suddenly had a burst of energy and felt the need to rearrange my entire room. I moved desks, tables, shelves, rugs, etc. (I did this very carefully and did not lift anything....totally safe!) Anyways, Once I was done I felt this wave of positive energy! I was actually looking forward to school starting. I couldn't believe it. I realized that last year was such a hard year, and every time I stood in that spot where I received the phone call that changed my life forever I was brought back to that day. Just looking around my classroom in general brought me back to that day. Now that everything is different and fresh, I'm OK! I still cannot believe that the arrangement of my classroom made that much of a difference. I cannot wait for the first day of school. It will be a new beginning and definitely a fresh start. I even used my cricut and posted some cute quotes in vinyl on the walls. If we surround ourselves with positive energy, how can we not be happy?

I've been working in Aubrey's room lately too. It's still not done, but it looks like a baby room now. Not only does it look like a baby room, it looks like Aubrey's room- not Avery Kate's. That is the most important part to me. It's a happy room and will bring many happy memories. I also bought Aubrey's Christmas dress this week. I was not expecting that to hit me so hard. Once I had it in my hands I remembered the day I bought Avery Kate's Christmas dress. She never got to wear it. I'm worried that all these little lifetime milestones I'll start to meet with Aubrey will cause me to grieve Avery Kate all over again because I will constantly be reminded of everything that she did not get to do. I know I need to focus on the positive, but sometimes the grief and sadness hits me when I least expect it. I guess it's all part of the process.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant now. It's getting close! I'm excited about having a new baby in our house again; OK I'm really scared too! I am ready for Hallie to be a big sister again. She is just so sweet and she still thinks about Avery Kate. We drove by the graveyard the other day on our way to go out on the boat. Hallie asked Brandon to stop so she could see Avery Kate. Well, he couldn't stop because we were pulling a boat behind us, so he told her we couldn't. She said, "But I just wanna make sure she's OK." Tears immediately came to eyes. She is just the sweetest big sister! I can't wait for Aubrey to get here so she can experience the love that Hallie has to give her.
I'm also ready to not be pregnant anymore. I know it sounds strange, but I feel like every stranger I see feels the need to ask, "Oh, this is your first baby?" I try to just smile and say, "No it's my third," but they don't stop! Maybe we are too friendly in Louisiana?? They want to know girl or boy, what I have at home, etc. They're strangers who I will never see again, so I just stick with the whole, I have two girls and I'm pregnant for another girl.You would think that's enough right? NOPE! I'm serious, these people want all the details! I know they're just being sweet, but come on now. Then they ask, "How does your husband feel about three girls in the house?" or "How old are the girls?" or "Three girls huh? WOW! So you'll be trying for that boy next?" I refuse to leave out Avery Kate and maybe I'm just sensitive to it right now, but since when do people need so many details about a complete stranger's pregnancy?
I'm looking forward to these next ten weeks. I'll have an awesome class, wonderful co-workers, and a new baby. What's not to be excited about? Here's to a new school year, and a fresh start! I can't wait!

Here comes the happiness

I feel like I've had a really good few weeks. There were so many wonderful things to celebrate and I actually felt some true happiness in my life. July is a really busy month for our family. Brandon and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary on July 14. Not only that, but Hallie turned 3 years old on that day! Where does the time go? Since the 14th was on a Saturday, we had Hallie's birthday party at our house that day. She is one lucky little girl, let me tell you. Terri made her the biggest most beautiful cake! She had all of her family and friends with her to celebrate and it also made our anniversary special too. We were surrounded by everyone who loves us! Hallie even sent Avery Kate some party balloons to Heaven. That just brought tears to my eyes, but they were happy tears. As sad as it was knowing I would never be able to do any of these birthday things with Avery Kate, it touched me that Hallie could send something to her sister each year and always remember her on such a special day to our family. I loved that!

The morning after Hallie's party, Hallie and I went to Florida with my Maw Maw, aunt, and kids. We had such a wonderful, relaxing time! Hallie really loved the beach, and with the exception of me getting sick the first day, I loved it too! It brings a smile to my face to see Hallie having fun and to also see Maw Maw relaxed and enjoying life. It's hard to find happiness after a loss in your life, but boy does it feel good when you find it!

When we got back from the beach, it was time to celebrate some more birthdays! Brandon turned 30 on that Saturday and I turned 28 on the Monday. We celebrated the whole weekend and just had more happiness brought to us. Here is a picture of us at our family dinner at Regatta in Lake Arthur. If you haven't been there...you're missing out on some awesome food and a really neat atmosphere.

Not only did we have a great time celebrating, but we also have one more step of Aubrey's room complete!! A parent from the school where I teach came to the house and painted a tree on the back wall of the room. I have never been so pleased! It was even more relieving to be excited about THIS baby. I'm finally starting to feel how I am supposed to feel...happy! There is still that part of me inside that is scared out of my mind, but overall, I'm looking forward to her birth...finally! We will hang the new canvas "from the branches" once it comes in. It's all coming together just like I imagined it in my head.

On another note, I went to visit Avery Kate's grave on my birthday and literally had my breath taken away. When I walked into her section there was a big hole dug in front of her headstone. I thought they had dug her up! I haven't seen any "action" on this side of the graveyard since Avery Kate's funeral. My heart hurt so bad. I finally realized that it wasn't her grave, but it sure was close...too close for my comfort. It brought back all those memories of that day. I kept picturing my poor brothers placing her in that hole. I will never forget the looks on their faces. No one wants to put their baby niece into the ground, and the pain I saw in them will live with me forever. I was also really upset that another mother would have to watch her baby be put into the ground in only a few hours. I would never wish that pain upon anyone...ever.  With all the digging around Avery Kate's grave I decided her flowers just looked dirty and old. A few days later my mom, Jacob, Hallie, and I went back to her grave to put some new flowers. When we got to the graveyard, there was another shock...another grave was wide open, ready for a funeral in only one hour. And when I looked to my left, there was another freshly dug grave. I just don't understand what is going on. Why are these sweet innocent babies dying? Three in one week? That is just so sad and scary. It just doesn't seem like this is the way life is supposed to go does it? I still have faith in God and know that He truly knows what is best for this world, but it still doesn't settle easily to see such a thing.

We did get Avery Kate some happy, brightly colored flowers. I always like to put happy things there, hoping it will cheer up anyone who visits. Flowers always cheer me up, and maybe these bright flowers will do the same for these parents who have such a long road of grief and healing ahead of them. It's also really therapeutic for me. It's the only thing I can do for my child, and I enjoy making it pretty.

Overall, I'm doing good. I have my moments, and I still continue to miss that sweet face every single day, but I'm OK. I'll continue to keep Avery Kate as a major part of our lives and prepare to bring another joyous miracle of a life into this world. We have way too many blessings in our life to focus on the negatives of each day. Let's all remember to count our blessings each and every day :) 











Transitions

The day finally came where we would have to transition Avery Kate's room to Aubrey's. I'm using the same bedding but I thought a coat of paint and a different color crib sheet would change the whole look of the room. As hard as it is, I want it to be Aubrey's room.
I had already cleaned out all the items that I would not be able to reuse for Aubrey earlier this summer. That wasn't as hard as you would imagine it would be. I had all of Avery Kate's clothes separated in her closet. I had a small little section with her super soft Kissy Kissy gowns and her Kicky Pants gowns with her name on them. She rarely wore anything else. I wanted her to be a baby as long as possible since I thought she was my last baby. I just kept her in soft little baby gowns as much as possible. Cleaning out her closet was as simple as just gathering that section and pulling it out. I left the Hallie hand-me-downs and of course the things Avery Kate never had the chance to wear. Cleaning out the drawers was also easy. I just grabbed the bibs and burp cloths that had her name on them. So I figured I was done. Don't get me wrong, I grabbed with eyes full of tears and a heart hurting from the memories these things brought me, but it didn't take long and it wasn't hard to decide what I was keeping and what I needed to take out of there. I left everything in a pile on her changing table.
Well when it was time to paint, I had to take her canvas down from the wall and move her stuff out. The act of moving everything out of the room is what killed me. Honestly, that was the hardest part of all. The minute I took everything out of there, it was no longer Avery Kate's room. To me, that was closure. I'm still not too sure how I feel about it, but it had to be done.
My dad, Terri, and Mrs. Christy came to help us paint the room. It was a very bittersweet day. I know I need to get happy about Aubrey and get in that "I'm so excited I'm having a baby" mode, but it's just so hard. We all got the room painted (step one of three) and had a really nice day together. It was just hard not to think about Avery Kate the whole time. I really don't think she minded though :)
I still wasn't sure what I was going to do with Avery Kate's canvas. It was a really special part of her room and I had many ideas about what I could do with it. The idea I decided on makes me happy. I hung it over the bed in our guest room. To me, she still has a room in our house and she can "watch over" any guests who spend the night. I never want her to memory to fade.

Hallie was confused with the whole transition at first. She kept asking us if Avery Kate and Aubrey would share a room and wanted to know why we were doing all this stuff. She gets it now though. She knows that it's Aubrey's room. I slip up sometimes and refer to the room as Avery Kate's, but I think that's normal.
Overall, I am beginning to get excited about Aubrey and I've even started buying her little things. That's the fun part! Deep down, I am scared to death for her to be here. I'm scared as to what my life will bring with this new baby and what kind of mother I will be. I don't want to live my life in fear and I don't want to constantly try to protect my baby from the world. I realize all parents live to protect their children, but I don't want to drive myself crazy trying to prevent the day from moving on. I'm also nervous that once Aubrey gets here, Hallie will forget about Avery Kate. I know she was so young when this all happened, but I don't want her to forget her sister. I know she will always have pictures to remind her, but I want her to have memories. She saw the double stroller in the garage the other day and told me she wanted to ride in there with Avery Kate again. She wanted to stand up and watch Avery Kate in her car seat like she did "yesterday." That's a memory she has of her and her sister and I want her to hold on to it.
I think and hope by the time Aubrey is born (due October 15) all these thoughts and feelings will be settled. Until then, my plan is to be excited about having a baby and get myself in gear for a new school year come August.
*Here's to positive thoughts and a healthy baby!

This is a picture of Aubrey's room so far. This is the back wall and will have her bed against it. We will paint a tree next week and I have ordered a canvas with her name on it. It will be similar to Avery Kate's because it was just so perfect in the room, but it will be different in some ways to make it her own.

Father's day

For some reason Father's Day was a whole lot harder on me than Mother's Day was. It could be because I had already thought of a ton of projects to make for Brandon from Hallie and Avery Kate. I blame Pinterest for that. I had pinned all sorts of ideas of pictures for the girls to take for Brandon. I stayed home one day and decided to get everything done for Father's Day all in one day. Well I literally cried my eyes out the entire day. I was looking through pictures and trying to decide how I would make something special. Maybe I should have just went to Dillard's and bought him and my dad and shirt, but that just wasn't good enough in my eyes. I ended up taking Avery Kate's birth paper work from the hospital to a local photography shop here in town. They scanned and copied her footprints for me, and I made a little card for Brandon with them. Then I took Brandon's favorite picture of Hallie and put a sweet quote on it and had it printed on special paper. I also made photo collage's for my dad and Rene. Once it was all done I felt a lot better, but it sure was hard making it through that day. I don't think I really had a day like that...ever. I've never stayed at home and just cried. My body needed that. I guess it's just all part of this grieving process. We did have a wonderful Father's Day and spent the day at the zoo in Lafayette. It was the perfect end to the week!

I also realized these past few months that many people still wonder in their minds what actually happened to Avery Kate. I thought I would clear up just a few things:
- She was not on her belly.
- She did not smother.
- She had not received her 2 month vacinations...yet.
- We did not smoke nor did we allow anyone who had smoked to hold her.
- She was on a firm matress.
- She had not eaten within the last hour and did not aspirate on spit up or vomit.

These are answers to some of the questions that I get along the way, and others are either common misconceptions or questions that parents don't want to ask. I know it's easier for some parents to think that we had to do something wrong and there has to be a cause. As scary as it is, we didn't. No one did anything wrong. I realize it's easier to think that but the reality is that it can happen to anyone. SIDS does not discriminate. We just never thought it would happen to us. Life sure was a lot easier when we thought we were invinsible! Now that we prepare for baby Aubrey, we are worrying about breathing monitors, etc. This experience will just be so different.
We talked to our pediatrician, OBGYN, and MFM doctors about SIDS. They all pretty much said the same things to us. Nicotine was the main factor they had seen in previous cases. They were all shocked that this happened to Avery Kate, especially since we did not smoke. The MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) doctor examined Aubrey's brain, spine, lungs, etc. in a very detailed ultrasound. He said everything looks perfect and he does not need to see me again. This made me feel a whole lot better, although, Avery Kate always looked fine and healthy too. I guess there are some things that we just will never know.
Here is a website on SIDS. It has a list of all the causes, incidence, and risk factors. Keep in mind that we did not meet any of those. Not a single one! http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002533/
It's all in God's hands. We know that we did everything we could to protect our little girl. We aren't the ones in control. As hard as it is, we have to "Let Go....Let God."