Grieving all over again...

It's been three and a half weeks since Aubrey has been born. I thought I had let out all my "Avery Kate" tears before she was born and I just knew I was prepared for everything. WRONG. I've stumbled across so many different occasions where I was blind sided with something belonging to Avery Kate or special memory of her that hit me like a ton of bricks. The first time I went to put diapers in the diaper bag, Avery Kate's were still there in the little pouch. At night when I feed Aubrey, even though I've changed the decor in the room, it's still that same room at night. I cry almost every night when I feed her, and I always feel like someone is "sitting" on my shoulder when I'm sitting in the chair in her room. I'd like to think it is my little angel watching over me and helping me through tough times.
I guess when you have a baby, you have those same routines; change the diaper, feed, burp, swaddle, snuggle, walk back to the room, etc. That routine reminds me so much of my special times I had with Avery Kate. No one else was awake, it was dark, no TV, no cell phones, no interruptions. It was just Avery Kate and me. She would look into my eyes when I fed her and those moments are all brought back to me each night. I look into Aubrey's sweet eyes and pray that God will let her stay with me. The truth is, I have no guarantee. Faith is the only thing that will keep me grounded.
Aubrey is the quietest sleeping baby I have ever seen! She doesn't move or make a sound when she sleeps. I put her to sleep at 10:00 and she makes the smallest little squeak at 2:00. I feed her and put her back to sleep, and then she makes the same little squeak at 6:00. So you'd think, I'm sleeping so good right? WRONG. I put her to sleep, turn on her apnea monitor, get in bed, and close my eyes. Did I turn on her monitor? Did I hook her up correctly? Is that monitor really working? Let me see if she's really breathing, Maybe she spit up and she's choking, will the monitor pick that up? Let me turn on the little light and see, I bet she came out of her swaddle and she's smothering herself, that monitor can't be working right.... Then I try to pray myself to sleep.... Hail Mary, full of gra..... Did I just hear her choke? OK, here we go again... Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is .....I wonder if she found her pacifier and now it's blocking her mouth to where she can't breathe.... That's every night. I close my eyes, sometimes I even put a blanket over my eyes so I'm forced to sleep, and I'm freaked out!! I feel like a first time mother times a million! I never did this with Hallie or Avery Kate. I just need to give it time, but I sure hope time will calm me down. My mind has to relax so my body can do the same. There have been hundreds of times that I stare at Aubrey in her seat, just waiting for that next breath to come. She's so still and so quiet that it's hard to see her breathe. And then sometimes, when I look at her sleeping, I have flashbacks of that day where I saw Avery Kate's lifeless body on the table in the ER. Avery Kate just looked like she was sleeping. Her color had not changed or anything. So how can I rest assured that Aubrey is OK when she just appears to be sleeping too? That's where I have to let my faith come in once again right? It's just so hard!
This is also the same time period that Avery Kate and I were out and about last year. Brandon and I took Hallie and Aubrey to the MSU Homecoming parade last night. It was the same place and same routine from last year when I took Hallie and Avery Kate. We ate at Gatti's with our friends and watched the parade. I put Aubrey in the same outfit (Hallie also wore that outfit and bow to her first MSU parade) and it was complete deja vu. Of course I made it through the night with a smile, but I kept remembering every detail from the year before. It's like I'm grieving Avery Kate all over again.
Last night, I sat on the couch to feed Aubrey before bed time. Sadie was of course all curled up next to me and then Hallie joined us. I looked at Hallie and said, "I've got all my favorite girls right here." She looked at me and said, "But someone's missing!" Of course she was referring to Avery Kate. I tried to explain that she was here with us, but of course she can't see her. So I told her she was in her heart. "In my skin???" She asked. I'm having a hard time explaining how Avery Kate can be with us without us seeing her. Then I told her we were going to baptize Aubrey on Sunday at church. She asked me if Avery Kate was going to be there for that. I guess she's just thinking that maybe Avery Kate is still at church and will come back one day??? I wish that were true!
We are taking it one day at a time and I know in my heart that it will get better. I know she will be OK, and we will be too.
I came across the lyrics to this song and I feel that we can all benefit from them:

Oh Lord You lead me
By the still wa - ters
Quietly restoring my soul
You speak words of wisdom
The promise of the glory
The power of the presence of God


Chorus:
Have faith in God
Let your hope rest on the faith
He has placed in your heart
Never give up, never let go of the faith
He has placed in your heart


Verse 2:
Oh Lord You guide me
Through all the darkness
Turning my nights into day
And You'll never leave me
Never forsake me
The power of the presence of God

Our Rainbow Has Arrived!

Aubrey Kathryn Soileau was born on Tuesday, October 2, 2012 at 1:03 PM. She weighed 6lbs 11oz; 19.5 in long.
I did really well the morning of the birth even though I had been anticipating this day for 9 long months. I knew it would be just a tidal wave of emotions. I was so nervous to hold another baby in my arms, feel such strong love for her, and at the same time have that fear that it could be ripped from me in an instant. The moment I saw Aubrey, tears immediately fell from my eyes. I was so happy to meet my baby girl. I cried tears of joy at that moment and knew I was already completely in love. I felt such a relief as I watched them clean her up and take her measurements. I did it! I made it through the delivery and I was OK. We let all our family and friends in the room to meet the newest addition to our family. The nurses had just finished cleaning her up, and they placed her in my arms. I cannot even begin to explain the way I felt; there are no words to describe it. I fought so hard to keep the tears in, but I broke to a million pieces. I was so happy and scared at the same time. I was reminded of that moment I held Avery Kate for the first time. It was just so overwhelming. These two pictures capture that moment:

She had a little trouble with her breathing once she was born, so they kept her on the warmer for a while. She finally got the hang of it and Hallie was able to hold her. She absolutely loves her!! She knew exactly what to do with her and was an amazing big sister right from the start.

That night we decided to send Aubrey to the nursery to sleep. She was on a sleep apnea monitor from the hospital but we knew we would sleep better with her in the nursery under constant supervision. When the nurse came to get her, I had a really hard time. It felt like that moment when I gave Avery Kate to the social worker in the ER for the very last time. Of course I broke down once again. We had such an emotional and wonderful day and it is one I will never forget.

 

We stayed at the hospital for two nights and went home on Thursday. I wanted them to keep me forever! I love the staff at the hospital and it's so comforting knowing that Aubrey was being monitored. The hospital sent us home with an apnea monitor. They told us it would have many false alarms and it would probably go off a lot. It went off like crazy at the hospital and Brandon and I were completely freaked out. It seemed like this monitor was going to be more of a pain and a curse than the blessing we were hoping for. Our first night at home was amazing though! Aubrey slept like a champ and that monitor never went off. Of course Brandon and I woke up a million times and checked on her anyways. I was actually able to rest knowing that monitor was on her. Thank goodness we have it!

One of my biggest fears has been that once Aubrey was born, everyone would forget about Avery Kate. I was especially worried that Hallie would forget about her now that she has a little sister again. Mrs. Christy took Hallie to go get some pumpkins on Saturday. She came back with some big pumpkins and some little tiny ones. Hallie said she wanted to bring one to Avery Kate's grave. My heart completely melted! I know Hallie's memories of Avery Kate will fade with time because she is so young, but we will be the ones to keep her memory alive through pictures and stories that we tell her. I just love that she thought to bring her sister a pumpkin though! I still tear up just thinking about it.

I've had some deja vu moments here at home these past few days that have made me have little break downs, but I know I have a very special angel on my side helping me through every step of this new journey. What they say about rainbows is true, it does not mean the storm never existed, or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light can appear through the dark clouds. Aubrey is our rainbow baby for a reason. She was handpicked and sent to us for a reason. I'm so happy and thankful to have her in my life.

 

This is a collage of all three of my girls on the day they came home from the hospital. It is so special to me!



Thank you God for Hallie Girl!

As Aubrey's birth gets closer, I start to get really nervous. I've been contracting for over a month now and I'm just in a lot of pain. My doctor has asked me to stay home, but I really don't want to. I finally agreed last week and you know what? He sure did know what he was talking about! I have felt so much better! I haven't necessarily been resting, but it's been really good for my mental health. I was able to finish Avery Kate's baby book. I had the pictures printed out to go in there and I tried my best to fill everything out. It was just hard to stretch the "first year memories" section. I had to write that her vacations were to Lafayette and New Iberia. It was really hard to leave those lines blank where I was supposed to put the date of her first tooth, when she crawled, when she walked, her first word, etc. It's just not fair. I wanted to experience those moments with her. Those lines will be blank forever. It's just not the way the world is supposed to turn. I was also able to move some things around that I simply left like they were since November 9. I still had Avery Kate's pacifier on the table next to my bed. I didn't want Aubrey's to get mixed up with that one and I didn't want to see it and get sad once Aubrey was here. I put it in Avery Kate's shadow box and I feel good knowing it's there. I just couldn't throw it away. I just feel like being home allowed me to tie up some loose ends that needed to be done on my own time and when I was by myself. This has truly been the perfect opportunity for that. I'm so thankful to be given this time to mentally prepare myself for my sweet baby Aubrey.
I went to the graveyard the other day with Hallie. When we pulled up she asked me why we were going there. I told her, "I just want to check on Avery Kate real quick ok?" "But Mom, she's not there. OK? So you can't check on her," she responded back to me. What an eye opener! She's absolutely right! She's not there. It's just her shell. Wow, it took a three year old to explain that to me. "I'm just going to check on her grave then. OK, Hallie?" I told her. She was fine with that. Well of course I got a little teary eyed and when I got back into the car I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose. "Why you crying?" Hallie asked. "Oh, I'm not crying, Hallie," I told her. "Then why you blowing your nose?" She asked. "I just have a sniffle. I'm OK," I said. "Well, Mom, Avery Kate is in Heaven and you can't cry for her. We are about to have a new baby sister here and she wants you to be happy. Avery Kate told me that Aubrey doesn't want to go to Heaven with her and Paw Paw. She wants to stay here with us!" My jaw dropped. "Well that's wonderful, Hallie. I sure hope you're right sweet girl!" I said. And I sure hope she is. Although, I feel in my heart that it will all be OK this time.
Some friends of ours also had babies around the same time Avery Kate was born and of course it was time for their first birthday parties. At first I wasn't too sure I would be able to make it to their birthday parties. I just thought it would be too hard. When it came to be time to go though, I was actually alright. So Brandon, Hallie, and I went to the first party on Saturday. It was great and made me smile to see such a happy celebration. Now the birthday party on Sunday was a different story. I often look at this girl as a way to watch Avery Kate grow up. I look at her milestone pictures on facebook and I feel like I will always watch my baby grow up through her. Brandon had a headache so Hallie and I went to the party. It was super cute! They even had a petting zoo and Hallie had a blast. I was totally fine up until we sang "Happy Birthday." The little girl was adorable with her little bow and I just pictured Avery Kate looking the same way. I started to tear up, but quickly swallowed the lump in my throat and shook it off. Right after we sang, Hallie had to go potty. I brought her to the bathroom and right when I closed the door she said, "It smells like Avery Kate in here." I asked her, "What smells like Avery Kate?" She said, "This bathroom." Now let me assure you that this was a hunting themed bathroom with no baby stuff anywhere to remind Hallie of her sister. Not only that but even though this little girl makes me think of Avery Kate, Hallie has no clue of that. Why would she say that out of the blue? So of course it made me just smile and I said, "Maybe Avery Kate is here with us Hallie!" She quickly responded, "Mom!! She's not here. That's so silly!" Of course she made me laugh, but I was still comforted by the fact that she smelled her. I believe Avery Kate was there. I also believe that children know far more about God and Heaven than we do. Sometimes I wish I had that special "power" like Hallie has. She's so smart and I feel so lucky and blessed to have her in my life. She keeps me grounded when I need it the most. It does make me wonder though....what else am I missing that she sees?
"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."
~ Mark 10:14

Aubrey's Room is Complete

Sweet Girl's room is ready :)

 

We were able to reuse the monogrammed bedding since they share the same initials.

Waiting for Aubrey's newborn pictures to go here.

 I couldn't think of a better quote for this wall. (Ordered from Etsy)

Happy Golden Birthday Avery Kate!

The day that I'd been dreading for the past few months finally was here. I had anxiety about it all week and was just so nervous about the way I would feel. A part of me was mad at God for not allowing Avery Kate to be here with her family on her special day. Another part of me was depressed because I wanted to be having a big birthday party for Avery Kate with a special cake and a cute little outfit. And then a small, very small, part of me was happy for her because I knew she'd have the best birthday anyone could ask for. She got to celebrate with Jesus. It was her Golden Birthday (Turning 1 on the 1st) and I bet it sure was golden up there. But again, I'm human and wanted my baby with me on her birthday, so only a tiny part of me could feel comfort by thinking about that. Although it did bring a little smile to my face and to my heart imagining what she was doing up there. I just kept imagining her little face digging into her birthday cake; gosh I miss her so much!
I let Hallie pick out a special balloon to bring to Avery Kate's grave. She also wrote a little note that we tied to another balloon. She was going to send her birthday note to Avery Kate in Heaven, but she had a break down and couldn't let go of the balloon, so it's still in our car. The thought was there though! We also got Cypi's cupcakes. Hallie ate an entire strawberry cupcake (a Cypi's cupcake is equivalent to almost 2.5 normal cupcakes) on her first birthday. I just had to eat one for Avery Kate's birthday. It just brought tears to my eyes and caused a big lump in my throat the whole time I ate it. It should have been Avery Kate chowing down on this cupcake, not me. It just made me realize what she was missing. I'm not even sure if those are the right words, because she's the lucky one! She is in the happiest place imaginable. But as a mother, I feel like she'll never have a birthday party, a Christmas morning with her family, a family vacation, etc. I could go on forever with my list of she'll never..... I guess it might be me who feels like I am really the one missing out on something though. I want to celebrate with her and do all of these things with her. So in the reality of all of this, Avery Kate is more than OK, and as a mother, that's really what I want for her. One day I'll be OK about this too, just not now. I don't think that any mother should have to go to a grave yard to bring her child a birthday balloon. It still doesn't make sense to me sometimes, and it might not ever make complete sense to me. That's just the place that I allow my faith to fill in the gaps. That's what will keep me going.

We had a very special birthday dinner with our family and closest friends. It was so amazing to feel a room full of such love and support. These people, along with many, many others are the reason that we have made it through each day. There is absolutely no way we could have done this alone. Brandon, Hallie, and I are so blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives. It gave me goosebumps to walk into a room full of people who were there to celebrate the life of Avery Kate. To me, it meant that she has touched their lives in some way and she is still remembered. It truly was an amazing feeling.

When we left the restaurant, we all went to Avery Kate's grave. We lit sky lanterns and sang "Happy Birthday" to our sweet angel as the lanterns drifted off into the sky. It was just breath taking and everything I imagined it would be. We all held hands and said a special prayer. Honestly, the experience I had that night is just indescribable. It was a celebration of a sweet angel's life, not a sad, depressing night.

I miss "my little fluffy head" every single moment of every single day. I realize that this birthday was only the beginning. Brandon and I were talking about how we will be remembering Avery Kate on this day for the next 80 years, God willing. She will never be forgotten. We are all so lucky to have known her. We were truly blessed to have an angel living amongst us for ten weeks last year. Now, I feel that we are blessed to have her watching over us and protecting us every day.
Happy Birthday to my sweet girl! I love you and miss you with every piece of my heart.

Here is the Happy Birthday Song video:

Here is a link to the full video of the sky lantern send off:

Reality

We've been in school for two full weeks now and I absolutely love my class! Going to school each day is something I look forward to. I enjoy being with the people I work with and I don't feel like I'm surrounded by the memories of "that day."
On the other hand, since I started teaching, I've started contracting just about every 2-3 minutes non-stop! I have 7 weeks left so this is waaay too early. The doctor says it's OK so I'm trusting I'll make it a few more weeks. I'm also getting really nervous! As much as I can't wait to meet Aubrey, I am scared. I don't know what I'm really scared of though. Is it because I don't know how I will react when she is born? Or maybe I'm scared I won't be able to sleep or take my eyes off her? Perhaps I'm scared it will bring back all those emotions and grief of Avery Kate? It may be all of those things too. I just know right now I'm good. Aubrey is in my tummy, safe and sound. Her room is looking so happy and cheerful. I just think I'd like to keep her in my stomach forever; as uncomfortable as it may be! But the reality is, she will be coming out soon, and I don't know what to expect.
I got Aubrey's canvas in this week. Brandon propped it up on her bed and I went in to see it. It was so hard to see that name on the wall. All those memories of the day I got Avery Kate's canvas came rushing back to me. I felt that same excitement to see the finishing touches to Avery Kate's room as I was feeling when I saw Aubrey's canvas. I think that's what upsets me the most. I had all these wonderful, happy feelings while preparing to meet Avery Kate just to have them all ripped from heart. My heart is scared to feel that way again. I know I need to, but it's just so hard. The reality really hit me after seeing Aubrey's name on the wall. This is Aubrey's room. It's not Avery Kate's room. I still cry just thinking about it. But on a positive note, Aubrey's room is just about done and I absolutely love it! I've changed it around just enough to remove the sadness and bring joy to the room. I am very pleased. (Pictures to come soon)
I also realize these next few weeks coming up are going to be really tough. It's even harder on me because of the deja vu factor. I'm pregnant, preparing for a new baby, preparing my class for a transition, etc. I remember exactly what I was doing on these days last year. But again, reality sets in and I have to realize that this is a new year and a different baby. I'm really nervous about Saturday though. It's her birthday and she is not here. I have no party invitations, no first birthday smash cake, no birthday outfit, no birthday girl. We will go out to eat with our family and have a special celebration for her, but it's not the same. This morning I was braiding Hallie's hair for church and she put on her locket with Avery Kate's pictures inside. She said, "I miss her so much." I said, "Hallie, did you know her birthday is on Saturday?" Her words of response absolutely break my heart. She said, "Oh I'm so excited! I'm gonna go to her birthday party and give her a big, sweet hug!" Luckily I was behind her still braiding her hair, so she couldn't see my face. Tears immediately started falling down my cheeks. I told her that Avery Kate would be spending her birthday with Jesus in Heaven and she was just so lucky to be able to do that. I couldn't let her know that in my heart, I thought that it sucked pretty bad that she can't be with us. The more I tell myself how lucky she is to be there in Heaven and it's just us on earth who are sad, the sooner I will truly start to believe it. Right now, to me, it sucks. I don't want this weekend to come. My heart is so tender right now with the anticipation of it coming. It's just not fair that Avery Kate is not here with us on her birthday. I've stayed so positive these past few months, and I've really done well, but right now I am falling apart. I just want my baby girl.
I'm going to try to stay as busy as possible this week and surround myself with positive energy. I'm going to pray every night that God will be with us and help us through this. He hasn't failed me, so I know I can trust that if he's bringing me to it, he'll bring me through it!

New Beginnings, Fresh Start!

School will be starting soon and I started working in my classroom over the summer, just as I usually do. For some reason though, I just couldn't get excited about it. I set up my furniture like I had it last year, and then I did my bulletin boards. Even still, I felt really depressed about the new school year. I knew I had a really good class coming up, but I just didn't want to be there. I remember leaving school one day just absolutely in a slump and knew I had to find a way out. I started to research the possibility of taking a sabbatical or some sort of leave for the year. I am not too sure what I thought that was going to solve or how that would have helped me, but it was the only thing I could think of at the time.
One morning Hallie woke up and asked to go to my school. I thought I would take her there for maybe thirty minutes and she would be ready to go. While we were there, I suddenly had a burst of energy and felt the need to rearrange my entire room. I moved desks, tables, shelves, rugs, etc. (I did this very carefully and did not lift anything....totally safe!) Anyways, Once I was done I felt this wave of positive energy! I was actually looking forward to school starting. I couldn't believe it. I realized that last year was such a hard year, and every time I stood in that spot where I received the phone call that changed my life forever I was brought back to that day. Just looking around my classroom in general brought me back to that day. Now that everything is different and fresh, I'm OK! I still cannot believe that the arrangement of my classroom made that much of a difference. I cannot wait for the first day of school. It will be a new beginning and definitely a fresh start. I even used my cricut and posted some cute quotes in vinyl on the walls. If we surround ourselves with positive energy, how can we not be happy?

I've been working in Aubrey's room lately too. It's still not done, but it looks like a baby room now. Not only does it look like a baby room, it looks like Aubrey's room- not Avery Kate's. That is the most important part to me. It's a happy room and will bring many happy memories. I also bought Aubrey's Christmas dress this week. I was not expecting that to hit me so hard. Once I had it in my hands I remembered the day I bought Avery Kate's Christmas dress. She never got to wear it. I'm worried that all these little lifetime milestones I'll start to meet with Aubrey will cause me to grieve Avery Kate all over again because I will constantly be reminded of everything that she did not get to do. I know I need to focus on the positive, but sometimes the grief and sadness hits me when I least expect it. I guess it's all part of the process.

I'm 30 weeks pregnant now. It's getting close! I'm excited about having a new baby in our house again; OK I'm really scared too! I am ready for Hallie to be a big sister again. She is just so sweet and she still thinks about Avery Kate. We drove by the graveyard the other day on our way to go out on the boat. Hallie asked Brandon to stop so she could see Avery Kate. Well, he couldn't stop because we were pulling a boat behind us, so he told her we couldn't. She said, "But I just wanna make sure she's OK." Tears immediately came to eyes. She is just the sweetest big sister! I can't wait for Aubrey to get here so she can experience the love that Hallie has to give her.
I'm also ready to not be pregnant anymore. I know it sounds strange, but I feel like every stranger I see feels the need to ask, "Oh, this is your first baby?" I try to just smile and say, "No it's my third," but they don't stop! Maybe we are too friendly in Louisiana?? They want to know girl or boy, what I have at home, etc. They're strangers who I will never see again, so I just stick with the whole, I have two girls and I'm pregnant for another girl.You would think that's enough right? NOPE! I'm serious, these people want all the details! I know they're just being sweet, but come on now. Then they ask, "How does your husband feel about three girls in the house?" or "How old are the girls?" or "Three girls huh? WOW! So you'll be trying for that boy next?" I refuse to leave out Avery Kate and maybe I'm just sensitive to it right now, but since when do people need so many details about a complete stranger's pregnancy?
I'm looking forward to these next ten weeks. I'll have an awesome class, wonderful co-workers, and a new baby. What's not to be excited about? Here's to a new school year, and a fresh start! I can't wait!