Patience is a virtue

Well last week I really hit rock bottom with this sickness thing. I went 4 days with no food or water. I think I had one icee that stayed down during that time period, but nothing else. So Tuesday night I went in to get fluids. My nurse asked me the most anticipated question of the night as usual, "What pregnancy is this? And how many living?" Usually they leave it at that, but she asked, "So you had a miscarriage?" I swallowed the huge lump that had formed in my throat and said, "Umm no ma'm, my baby died of SIDS." She stopped everything. Then she began to share her story with me. She had lost her baby to SIDS 23 years ago. I was curious if it would ever get easier. Then I saw her tears begin to flow. She quickly said that she normally doesn't talk about that and left the room. I felt blessed that she was able to share her story with me. I also felt a little more at ease to know that she was a nurse at the time her son passed and she could do nothing. SIDS cannot be prevented. It's just in God's plan. Those painful tears of hers also touched me to know that in the years to come, I will still feel that strong love I have for Avery Kate today.
Well I had two bags of fluids and some phenergan via IV. I was sure I would be all "juiced up" and ready to go after that. No such luck! I walked in the door and immediately started throwing up again! I had a scheduled doctor appointment for the next morning at 8:15 so I knew my doctor would take care of me then. He took one look at me and sent me to be admitted for a few days. I couldn't believe I was going to have to miss state testing at school. It is such a big deal and I felt like my kids needed me to be there for them. Although, in the shape I was in, there wouldn't have been much good to give had I had gone to school. I knew deep down that I had a baby to take care of too.
My body is a lot weaker this time around. I just went through this last year and my body hasn't had time to recover. My body is still full of grief and emotion. I'm just not strong enough to fight back like I usually could. It's just not easy.
We had an official ultrasound done and tried to tell whether this baby is going to be a boy or a girl. Many people don't realize the importance to me. It does not matter whether I give birth to a boy or a girl, but knowing is what matters. We still haven't told Hallie (even though that smart little thing is figuring it out). We need to tell her the baby's name and distinguish that this baby is not Avery Kate, but baby so and so. I am just itching to share this experience with her like she deserves. I also need to start going through Avery Kate's room. Am I going to pack everything up or reuse some of the things. I need to paint the room regardless of the sex; I need to make it different for the new baby. But the color depends on the sex of course. I just feel like I'm at a standstill in moving forward until we know. It's not just me being the anxious planner that I am, it's a whole lot more than that. I just have to know. But, I keep trying to remind myself that good things come to those who wait. Well.. I'm waiting!! And of course I will update once we find out.
Brandon went on an ACTS retreat this past weekend. Hallie and I dropped him off in front of our old church and told him goodbye. I was sad that I'd have no contact with him the entire 4 days of the retreat, but it was Hallie that wouldn't stop crying. As I drove her home she began to ask questions through her cries for her daddy. "Where's my daddy?" so I told her he was going with the priest and we would see him again at church on Sunday. "Is he gonna lay down?" I pepped up my voice as best I could and told her of course he was going to lay down! He was going to have a slumber party and have so much fun. Then she lost it. "I don't want daddy to lay down at church like Paw Paw and Avery Kate." Poor Hallie could hardly breathe she was crying so hard. I stopped the car and looked at her in the eyes. "Baby, daddy is coming home. He will get in the car with us. He's going to talk to you and hug you. He is ok and he is coming home." My heart was absolutely broken. My poor child! Then it got worse. "He's gonna bring Avery Kate with him, mom?" I had to take a deep breath at that moment and do my best to answer her. "No Hallie, Avery Kate can't come back, but daddy IS coming home to us." My sweet innocent child then answered, "Ok mom, when she gets older she will come back." How do you explain that to a 2 year old?
The whole weekend I did my best, along with the help of my dad, Terri, and Brandon's mom to keep her occupied and happy. She did cry for Brandon a few times, but we assured her that he would be walking and talking the next time we saw him. It literally felt like the longest few days of my life. But once again, we have to be patient. It all ended up being just fine, just as I knew it would be. I just think it's so sad that Hallie even had those thoughts go through her head. She is so young! I pray that my baby can only remember the good things about her Paw Paw and her sister. I also pray that this experience has not changed her in a negative way. I trust that God will take care of her though, like he always has :)
It's not easy being patient. I know everything will happen the way it's supposed to. I vow to be patient... Well at least for today :)

Spring Break

First off, my spring break consisted of a 4:00 AM trip to the hospital to get fluids. I kept getting sick and knew I'd never make it through "Easter Party Day" at school without some serious medical help. The nurse that helped me was my nurse when Hallie and Avery Kate were born. She walked in and just started talking. I felt like
God was speaking through her though. She told me that she had heard about Avery Kate's passing and wanted to share her thoughts with me. She said she believes that God knows each baby's fate. He knew Avery Kate only had a short time on earth ahead of her so he put her in our lives. He wanted to be sure she had the best life and the most wonderful, loving parents. He wanted her to make the most of those few short months and He just knew WE were the parents for her. She said she sees a lot of babies die with her job, and it is a very sad day when she grieves a baby the most; simply because the parents don't care. She said if God would have given Avery Kate to a drug head, she may not even know she was gone. Her parents would not even miss her. So God knew we would keep her memory alive and we made a purpose for her and her life. I had never heard of it put that way. Normally we hear how God only takes the best which is why he picked her, but that never made me feel better. This actually made more sense to me. I get upset when I think about people not loving or caring for their children. I often wonder why God wouldn't save them from abuse. Why pick a happy and loved child? What she told me made perfect sense though. He put her with us to have the best life before joining him. So I'm thankful that he had enough faith in us to do the job. I have no regrets in her life and I honestly feel like she had the best life that she could have had. We are the lucky ones who got to spend every moment of it with her.
After leaving the hospital that morning, my entire day was changed. I had a smile on my face even though I felt horrible! I also felt a bit of relief from those words. I made it through the day at school, and the Easter party was a success. The rest of my week was spent on my couch in Lake Charles, my Maw Maw's couch in New Iberia, and my dad and Terri's in Youngsville. There was no fun in the sun at all. But at least I know this little baby will be worth every second of sickness!
On Saturday night, the night before Easter, Hallie put out her Easter basket and we read her Easter books. We said her prayers and she went to bed. I was so excited to "be the Easter Bunny!" I started filling her basket when I realized something was missing. Avery Kate didn't have a basket or even an Easter egg. It was just so hard to be happy when I knew in my heart there should have been two baskets on that table. I took a long bath and calmed myself down. I needed to get it all out so I could be truly happy when Hallie woke up the next morning. I did and I slept really good. I woke up around 8:45 for my usual sickness routine then Brandon and I decided to go wake up Hallie. That girl will just sleep all day because she did not want to wake up! Her little expressions were just priceless! She made all of us forget about what wasnt there that day and remember to be happy with everything we do have. We had a wonderful day!! The family came over for lunch and Hallie got soooo much stuff you'd swear that Santa Claus passed right along with the Easter Bunny!!
Even though our spring break really wasn't jammed packed with lots of fun events, I sure did learn some meaningful truths about our life. We are lucky. We are blessed. We have a whole lot of wonderful things in our lives and I choose to focus on that. I miss that baby girl every day and my heart still aches, but I know I will see her again.
Happy first Easter Avery Kate! We love you and miss you :)

Kids say the darndest things

I'm now 11 weeks pregnant and we have made the decision not to tell Hallie yet. Once we know the sex of the baby and have a name picked out we will tell her. It just seems to make the most sense that way. She will know its not Avery Kate for sure if we have another name to distinguish the two babies. We want her to know that this baby is different and although as much as we'd love it, Avery Kate is not coming back to us.
Well I went to the doctor and I keep losing weight. Well that's no surprise! I can't keep a thing in my stomach. With that being said, my stomach does not look like a baby bump yet. Hallie took a bath with me last night and out of nowhere she looked at me and asked, "Mom, you have a baby in your belly?" I was at a loss for words! "No, baby I don't." "Oh, then what's in there?" she asked. I was in shock! I quickly put bubbles in the tub to change the subject! Even though Brandon and I talk about pregnancy in front of her, we have never said the words, "baby in my belly." I just could not believe that she asked me that.
I'm so anxious to find out the sex of this baby. I just can't stand not knowing what my future has in store. I know especially now that I will never truly know what my future has in store for me, but the sex of this baby means everything this time around. If it is a boy, then I have to remove everything from her room. Everything! No more bows, no more pink, no more sharing Hallie's hand-me-downs. It means emptying out the closet, the drawers, everything! And then I'll have to decide what to do with it all. I couldn't bare to see those clothes on another baby knowing Avery Kate should be wearing them, but I surely wouldn't just let them rot in the attic. If it's a girl then I have to rearrange the room and go through all the clothes deciding which clothes I can use again and which clothes would be too hurtful to see worn again. I don't want to be constantly thinking about everything Avery Kate missed out on. I want this baby to be its own self. It's just not fair for the baby to live in "Avery Kate's shadow." I realize I'll grieve her all over again once this baby is born but I want to be excited about this baby. It's only fair to the baby to be excited rather than scared. I'm sure these emotions are normal, only amplified with pregnancy hormones!
Believe me when I say I'm praying for a healthy baby. That's the most important thing right now. Nothing is in our control, but the good news is that it's ALL in God's control! He's never guided us in the wrong direction before. He's also never given us anything we couldn't handle. Sometimes I wish I wasn't strong enough to handle the death of my own child, then it may not have happened to us. But I do believe that He was there every step of the way with us. I know He will continue to be with us and help us to make the best decisions for our family along the way. After all, Science has failed us. God is the only one who will always come through, especially when we need it the most.

Business or Pleasure?

Our school has been participating in a process called The Leader in Me. There are seven habits of happy kids that we have been teaching our kids and integrating into our curriculum. The past couple of weeks have been really difficult for me being sick and having to be at school every day. I've done it with no problems two times before, but this time is very different and emotional for me. Well as I was teaching the habit 1:Be Proactive to my class I had to stop and think. I'm teaching these kids to be in charge of their own actions, to create their own weather, and choose their own attitudes and moods and what am I doing? It was at that moment that I realized that I too had the choice of how I was going to live each day. Even though I have had a really tough couple of months, it could be a whole lot worse. I knew I had the choice to have a good day or bad day. I choose for every day to be a good day now. One thing I have learned throughout all of this is that our future is not promised to us. We should make the best of each day. Even if I spend that day throwing up and feeling yucky, I know it's up to me to make it a good day. So when my coworkers see me looking my absolute worst, I always have a smile to give them.
A few of our teachers attended the Leader in Me symposium on Friday. We heard the most inspiring speaker, Muriel Summers. She was so fresh, real, and uplifting. I know it was all related to teaching, but to me it was much more. She inspired me to "move past" the hard times and focus on the positive in my life. I know I was put there in that room for a reason. Not only did she open my mind, but she opened my heart as well. I needed that!
On another good note, Hallie has been taking extra good care of her baby dolls lately. Well today when I saw her picking up her baby I asked her if she remembered Avery Kate. She told me no which I knew was not the truth. I asked her if she remembered her crying. She looked at me and said, "Mom, Avery Kate doesn't cry. She just laughs all the time now." I was speechless. I know she has to see her sister and I know she talks to her. I'm a little jealous that she has that ability and I don't. I do love that they still have that bond though. Brandon and I can hear her every night just talking and singing away. It makes my heart smile.

Still not easier....not even a little

March 9, 2012. It's been four months today. It's no easier. My heart doesn't hurt any less. If anything, it hurts more. I've heard a new quote that I have to say hits the nail right on the head for me. "Time does not heal our wounds. It just helps us learn better ways to cope." I couldn't have said it better myself. The time keeps passing, the ninth rolls around again, and my heart continues to ache. I just miss her smile, her smell, but most of all, her warmth in my arms. Those are things that pictures can't even bring back. I often smell her when I least expect it; just out of the blue I'll get a whiff of her. I know she's with me, and it makes me smile. Every day at school I seem to look at the clock right when it hits 11:11. I always stop for a quick second and blow her a little kiss to Heaven because I know she is thinking of me too.
Well this pregnancy seems to be getting harder and harder, but as I said before...bring it on! I'm not worried about this little bean, because I know if I'm sick as a dog, then he/she is just growing and developing. This is my third time around with this sickness thing; I've got it under control. I may not look the best, but deep down, I am OK. A little boy at school asked me if the big rash on my face was going to heal up. Nope! It's just my ugly pregnant face, sweetie! Oh, kids will always make me laugh with their complete honesty.
I had to go in to the hospital last week to get fluids (just a normal thing for me) and I read an entire book while I sat there waiting for my body to perk up. Now I'm not a reader, but I am so curious about the place where my daughter will grow up, that I just can't know enough about Heaven. The book I read was 90 Minutes in Heaven. It was a true story of a man who died in a car crash, was dead for 90 minutes, and came back to life. He told of his experience of Heaven and how amazing it was. He also mentioned that he did not want to come back to Earth...at all. I just kept thinking... for this man to not ever look back, not even for his wife and children....this Heaven that he spoke of must be something so unbelievable. I just can't think of anything, any place, or anyone that could make me choose to leave my family. I can't even begin to imagine what a place like that must be like. He did explain it in his book, but clearly words cannot decribe such a thing. I plan to live my life in the best way I can so I can assure that my final resting place will be there, with Avery Kate. And as I lie in bed every night, trying to fight back the tears, I'm constantly reminding myself that SHE IS HAPPY. What else could a mother want for her child? Avery Kate is experiencing that happiness that I can only read about or dream of.

Let it pour!

And so the sickness begins!! I started getting sick on Wednesday and it's just getting worse every day. I knew it was coming so I'm not at all surprised. On the bright side, it lets me know that this little pea in here is alive and healthy. I went to my first real doctor's appointment today. He did an ultrasound and we saw the tiniest little heartbeat. He is also doing more ultrasounds and letting us see a high risk specialist just to keep my sanity. The more we can rule out the better. I am already nervous as can be so all these extra treatments will just help ease my mind.
On the other hand, this sickness makes me grieve Avery Kate even more! I now remember all these same feelings I had when I was pregnant with her. It's just so weird that I'm pregnant with another baby and it's not Avery Kate. It makes me miss her more and realize that she is never coming home.
I'm also kind of freaking out! My two pregnancies were totally different. This one mirrors Avery Kate's though. So you know I'm thinking, well since this one is just like hers, then the same thing will happen to this baby. I know it's highly unlikely, but I can't help or control the thoughts that go through my head.
Brandon and Hallie have been real troopers. Hallie is the sweetest little nurse. She's been waiting on me hand and foot. She is just so sweet! I look at her and remember why I'm doing all of this. And thank goodness for a wonderful husband! My poor house would be falling apart if it weren't for him. I really am blessed in so many ways.
This is only the beginning! I'm only 7 weeks along. The storm has only just begun. I can see that beautiful rainbow at the end of the tunnel though. So I say, "Bring it on!" I know this is all worth it in so many ways. I look forward... Way forward... To that moment when I can hold our baby in our arms and feel happiness. Bring on the rain, God! I'm ready!

What do you say? Part 2

And so the question pops up again, "What do you say?" We haven't told Hallie about the baby yet because we are just at a loss for words. What do we tell her? I had poked my belly out one day while looking in the mirror and she asked me why Avery Kate was back in there. She will not understand that this is a different baby. She is really smart, but even I have trouble understanding all of this and I don't expect her to comprehend it either. We are going to talk with Fr. Keith and see what he thinks. I know he will have the right words to say.
Hallie has also been asking a lot of questions lately. She keeps asking for us to go and get Avery Kate. When I explain to her that we can't she always says, "OK, Mom. Maybe tomorrow we can go get her." Then I have to tell her again, "No, Hallie. We can't go get her." "Yea, Momma! We can! Maybe next time OK?" I have run out of things to say to her. I try to explain Heaven and Jesus. I try to explain the graveyard, etc. She's two years old. How can I expect her to get this?
She has put a few things together that also make it harder for me to explain. She knew Paw Paw was sick, and that's why he went to Heaven. Well the other day, completely out of the blue, she said, "Mom, Avery Kate feels good." "Yea? OK baby, she did. You're right. She felt great," I answered. "Then why she went to Heaven Mom? She feels good?" What do you say?
I took Hallie to the graveyard the other day, and as we went to leave I asked her if she would like to go and tell Avery Kate good-bye. "Stay right here, Mom," she said. I didn't move. I watched as she walked over to her grave. I saw her mouth moving, but I couldn't make out the words she spoke. She then shook her head up and down, blew her a kiss, and waved good-bye to her sister. "I ready, Mom," she said. I hurried and slipped the sunglasses over my eyes to hide the tears that had filled my eyes. I put her in the car and drove away in silence and complete amazement of my child. She inspires me. She is an amazing big sister and always will be. I wanted to tell her that, but I have learned in moments like these, I don't have to say anything at all. Sometimes silence just says it all.