Baby Steps

It's been a while since I've updated my blog. July is a very busy month for us and I've had no time to sit and write. We've had family vacation, Hallie's 4th birthday, Brandon and I celebrated our 6th anniversary and also both of our birthdays as well. So needless to say it's been crazy! And during all of this craziness, we have felt Avery Kate with us every step of the way. Brandon and I have noticed little feathers in the strangest places; just a reminder that she is there. Even as I continue to learn my new job, feathers appear. The most comforting time I saw one was at a doctor's office. I was standing in the doctor's office waiting to speak with her and it seemed like it was taking forever! I was getting a little impatient and frustrated when I looked down and right between my feet was a tiny white feather. I quickly scanned the room for anything that would explain this feather, and I found nothing. I took a deep breath, smiled, and realized that there are worse things in life to get frustrated about. The doctor came back to her office to speak with me within that minute. I just thought that was really neat. I've also run into some "bumps in the road" (when it comes to Avery Kate) at work also. I met a nurse practioner who spoke about her daughter who will be 2 in September. She said they took a mom and me dance class together, etc. A huge lump developed in my throat and a numbness came over me. She is the same age as Avery Kate. We could be doing those things together but we never will be able to. Days like that are tough, but I've met some pretty amazing people and I am happy every single day. I have never regretted my decision once, or even second guessed it. I thank Avery Kate for this :) Another hard moment happened just last week. I had been sick for almost two weeks with a sore throat and just being exhausted so I finally decided to go to Urgent Care before work on Monday. The doctor working there was the same doctor from the ER that worked on Avery Kate that day. As I sat in that empty room and waited for him to come in, it took everything I had not to burst into tears. My hands were literally shaking and I kept swallowing that lump in my throat over and over again as that day replayed in my head. Sitting in that room and waiting for him to come in was just like waiting for him in that tiny room almost two years ago. I made it through it though. He apologized for what happened on that awful day and I somehow made it through the entire visit without crying. Now of course the minute I got back into my car, I lost it. It was just so tough to see him again and hear his voice. I hadn't seen or heard his voice since November 2011. Still gives me the chills. He's a great doctor though and I'm glad we were both in good hands.
A lot has also changed with Aubrey.  She has been growing and getting very mobile! She started trying to climb out of her nap nanny (she slept in there every night) so we had to take her out. This caused her to get tangled in her wires at night and it became more of a hazard than a comfort. So I had to take her off the apnea monitor. It was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do lately. I didn't sleep for the first week, and the light on my cell phone blinded her every few seconds. Poor baby! But needless to say, she did just fine. It's moments like this that I realize that I am not in control and I have to trust God and leave it in his hands. She still sleeps in her pack n play beside our bed, and she will probably sleep there until she's a year old. It doesn't bother her, and I just like to have her close by.
Hallie has really been enjoying having her little sister with her at the babysitter every day this summer. She tells me when she's out of food or diapers and lets me know if she cried during the day. She's such a great big sister! I just can't help but imagine how she would have been with Avery Kate for a whole year together at the sitter. She would have loved that; I would have loved that. Now, Hallie will start school in a few weeks and Aubrey will continue to go to the same sitter. We will still go back and visit Honey and Pops since they are forever burned into our hearts, but I will have no children there this year. As for more children....NO WAY! So many people ask me if there will be more babies in our future and the answer is no. I just cant handle those first 6 months again. It was too tough on my heart and my mind, not to mention how horrible my pregnancies are! I think we are all set with our two beautiful girls here with us, and our special guardian angel watching over us from Heaven. Our family is complete. Saying that also makes me really sad and depressed though. I know I've said before how the more Aubrey grows up, the more I feel like I lose a piece of Avery Kate. It's still happening, and the thought of me never holding a sweet little infant of my own again just brings tears to my eyes. It's really hard to know that we are done! But I know in my heart it is the best decision for our family.
I bought Aubrey some new flowers for her grave today. As I walked to the checkout I saw a bunch of feathers for sale. I grabbed a hot pink one to put with her flowers just as another reminder of the angel that she is and that we are never alone on this journey of life. I will add pictures once I go put them out there.
You know I keep thinking it's going to get easier as time passes, but for some reason it just doesn't. My heart longs for her more and more and I miss her more every single day. I guess with our busy summer, I kept wishing she were here with us in person to experience everything, and she wasn't. Maybe that's why she sent us so many feathers. She wants us to know that she is here. :)