Merry Christmas

This week we celebrated our second Christmas without Avery Kate and our first Christmas with Aubrey as well as our first Christmas having two children. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. Every time I would dress the girls in their matching outfits, my heart would immediately start to hurt. Every picture we took, every "baby" gift we bought, every family celebration we went to...My heart felt like it was bleeding. It was so much harder this year than last year. Maybe I was still numb at this time last year? I was so happy to celebrate Aubrey's first Christmas this year, but at the same time, I knew this is exactly the Christmas I had planned out in my head for Avery Kate to have last year. It is just so hard to explain. It was probably one of the hardest weeks so far, and maybe because it just lingered on forever. For those of you who know me well, you know we have lots and lots of families to celebrate with on the holidays, so Christmas isn't just a one day event.
On Christmas morning, I pictured Avery Kate running into the living room with Hallie and opening presents with her. I imagined her playing with Hallie in their new playhouse that Santa brought them. I just imagined how happy she would have been here with us. And then I imagined different things. I started to think of her in Heaven with Paw Paw and Jesus. I pictured them all rejoicing and spending Christmas with the true reason for the season. How lucky she is to be there, but I would just love to have all three of my babies here on Earth laughing and smiling with us on Christmas morning. I do take a few moments during this time to look at Hallie and Aubrey and thank God that I have them in my life. I really am blessed, but it doesn't take away the hurt in my heart or the lump in my throat during this holiday season. I now understand what people mean when they say that the holidays are the hardest once their loved ones pass away.
On another note, I have started my new job. I study all day long and take two tests a day. It's pretty demanding and I have Aubrey home with me while I'm doing this which isn't the most ideal situation. It's working though, and I am learning a lot. Honey and Pops will open back up on Thursday and I am bringing Aubrey there. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. How am I supposed to drop off my baby and leave her there? The last time I did that, I never got to see her again. I know deep down that Aubrey will be OK and I know they will take care of her, but it will be so hard. I have been dreading this day since the day she was born. My stomach is in knots and that lump is in my throat as I type this. I'm so nervous! But the reality is that Aubrey will be just fine and there is no better place for me to bring her. So I've got to calm down and just do it. I can do it. Or at least I keep telling myself that right? Well, I know I can do it with the help of that special guardian angel I have with me all the time. I will put it in God's hands.
Also, I have to leave next Sunday to go to New York for training for three whole weeks. Yes, three weeks straight! Brandon bought me an iPAD for Christmas so I can face time with him and the girls, but I am going to miss them sooooo much! I don't know how I am going to go without seeing them for three whole weeks, but I know it will be worth it in the long run and it's best for my family. After all, compared to my lifetime without Avery Kate, three weeks will be nothing. I'm going to make the best of it and try to enjoy the fact that I will actually be able to sleep all night long with both eyes closed. How wonderful does that sound! Speaking of sleeping....I have been doing a lot better. Aubrey sleeps for eight straight hours and then I wake her up to eat after that. She is definitely my easiest baby, so I am not worried about Brandon being home with them while I'm gone. Our moms will be here to help him, but I know he can do it.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and I wish you a happy new year. I know I have learned to never take anything or anyone for granted this year. I hug my babies and feel so blessed that God has shared them with me. I've learned a lot about myself this year too and I know now that I can conquer anything. Embrace life and live every moment to the fullest. Happy New Year! Come on 2013...the best is yet to come!

9 weeks and 6 days

Last Monday, Aubrey was 9 weeks and 6 days old; the same age that Avery Kate was the day we held her in our arms for the last time. I had so much anxiety during the days leading up to that day. Sunday night we were driving on the interstate (sleep apnea monitor all hooked up on her) and Aubrey's machine went off. It showed that her breathing was either weak or non-existent. Really? This is the last thing we need! Luckily I was driving and Brandon jumped back there to check on her. She was fine of course, but again....really? Tonight? Once we were all sleeping Sunday night, guess what happened again? Yep! That darn monitor started going off again! I think it went off two or three times that night, and let me tell you, it takes a while to recover from that kind of wake up call. Aubrey was just fine every time the machine went off, but boy did my heart race! The machine makes a noise like no other. It's loud and high pitched, and frankly one that I will never forget as long as I live. Of all the times for that machine to start going off, it chooses now. My heart had a hard time recovering from that long night. Of course Monday I watched the clock and as it hit 11:19, I thought, "Aubrey is now one minute older than Avery Kate ever was." I just kept looking at her all day, looking deep into her beautiful blue eyes and thinking how I could not imagine losing her. It's something that I don't really have to imagine every day, but something that I remember feeling when I lost Avery Kate. And now somehow, all that pain came back to me on Monday. I was so scared that I would lose Aubrey, so scared that all this happiness would be taken from me, but of course I made it through the day. I have never held a baby so tightly or stared so long as I did on Monday. When I closed my eyes to go to sleep that night, I thanked God for Aubrey. She is truly a miracle and a blessing from above. God sent her to me to help me through hard times, make the good times better, and to know that nothing in life should be taken for granted. I feel so lucky and blessed!
During the past week, I couldn't help but feel like Avery Kate had missed out on so much. I've now had Aubrey for one week longer than I had Avery Kate. One week makes a big difference in the life of a baby. In that one week Aubrey was able to meet her new baby cousin, something that Avery Kate was never able to do. With every day that passes I think about what we would have been doing with Avery Kate. I had such big plans for her, and it makes me nervous to plan for Aubrey. I bought her Christmas dress and immediately imagined Avery Kate's Christmas dress hanging in her closet, a dress she was never able to wear. I just pray every night that God will let Aubrey stay here with us and she will be able to do all the wonderful things that I have planned for her. I guess I will have to let my faith take over, because only God knows what lies ahead for us.
So I didn't make Christmas cards this year. I don't know if it was a time issue or the fact that I really wanted my entire family together in front of the Christmas tree this year. Maybe it's a little of both. I just want all my babies together and it will never happen. I want to put my arms out and have a big girlie group hug with my three daughters. Again, it will never happen. I sometimes dream about what it might be like, and it's the best feeling in the world. But those are just dreams, not reality. I'll get passed this, but these issues are still very fresh.
Hallie has been talking about Avery Kate a lot lately too. While I was feeding Aubrey the other night, Hallie sat next to me and said she needed a bottle too. She said that I could feed Aubrey and she could feed Avery Kate. Before I could respond to her, she said, "Mom, that would be soooo special right?" Of course the only response I could give was, "Of course! That would be so special." Hallie is one special little girl let me tell you. She even made Brandon drive by the graveyard the other day to check on Avery Kate's Christmas tree. She is always thinking about her little sister and still wants to take care of her. I love that about her! When I pierced Aubrey's ears last week, Hallie immediately started to call her "A-Kate." I wonder if the earrings just made her believe that Avery Kate was back? She could have just been being silly too, but it really hurt my heart to hear her calling her that.
I am taking each day at a time now and thanking God for allowing Aubrey to be here with me. I know Avery Kate was sent to our family to be our Guardian Angel, and I think she is doing a pretty good job. I feel her with me when I get to my lowest points and I know she will continue to help me through each and every day.
I dressed Aubrey in Hallie and Avery Kate's little dress this morning. My plan is to frame all three of their pictures in my hallway. My Maw Maw and Paw Paw have their three girls in the same dress framed in their hallway and I have always loved looking at those pictures. I knew the day that I found out Aubrey was a girl that I would do the same thing. Here is a sneak peak at their sweet pictures. They each have a little piece of each other which I think is pretty awesome. Hallie was 4 weeks old, Avery Kate was 8 weeks old, and Aubrey was 11 weeks old in the picture. I love making pictures like this but I know deep down that it's only a matter of time when Aubrey outgrows everything that Avery Kate wore. It makes me so sad! But let's live in the present and enjoy all these little moments right?

I begin my home study for my new job tomorrow so I won't have much time to write. I am so excited to start this new chapter of my life, well I have to admit I'm a little nervous too. But bring on the new career...I'm ready!  Merry Christmas :)

Holidays are the Hardest

Thanksgiving morning began with smiles and laughs as I got Hallie and Aubrey all dressed in their turkey outfits. Before we left I took Hallie and Aubrey's picture. They were so adorable! And then it hit me. This is what I was looking forward to last year. I wanted to take Hallie and Avery Kate's picture all dressed up. Avery Kate never got to do that. She never got to spend Thanksgiving with us. It breaks my heart to think that this is what it would have been like last year with Avery Kate and it makes me miss her that much more. We went and got our Christmas tree at the tree farm after lunch, and once again Avery Kate entered my mind. I imagined what our picture together would have looked like last year. Would we have used that for our Christmas card? Would she be running around the tree farm with Hallie this year? I could just imagine the fun they would be having together. I didn't think it would be so hard this year. We have already celebrated our first holidays without her. Why does it still feel so fresh and raw?

 

Decorating was even harder. We bought a new frame at the tree farm to put our family picture in. When I took it out the box, my heart felt like it was bleeding. I realized that now we are starting to take family pictures with Aubrey. Now, I have to choose which "family" will go in my frames. Will it be the family picture with Avery Kate or the one with Aubrey? I won't ever have them both in the same picture. A friend of mine gave me a very good idea to have the entire family in one picture, so hopefully that picture will come soon ;) Anyways, I pulled out the stockings, the ornaments, and all the other fun Christmas decorations. Then I just sat down, held Aubrey, and cried. What if something happens to her too and she will miss out on Christmas too? My heart was just so heavy to know that Avery Kate should be here helping us decorate. And as I would look down at Aubrey, I kept imagining what it would have been like last year with Avery Kate, what it should have been. I know it's hard to explain, but I know I will always imagine what Avery Kate would look like and what she would be doing if she were still here with us, but now that I have another baby girl, I'm also imagining what my holidays were supposed to be like last year too. It's like double the heartache. But I am so thankful to be able to make this new memories with Aubrey and I will make sure we have a wonderful and happy holiday. I just had to get passed the initial shock of it all. Luckily Brandon's mom came over and helped me to get in the Christmas spirit. I feel like these moments hit me when I least expect them and it's really hard to plan and prepare myself mentally for that.
With all the Christmas decorating, I knew it was time to put Avery Kate's Christmas tree up at her grave. Hallie, Aubrey, Jenny, and I went to the graveyard to decorate. I absolutely hate having Aubrey there because it reminds me of just how small these graves in "Babyland" are and how unfair life can be sometimes. I let Hallie pick out some special ornaments for Avery Kate's little tree and we began to decorate. Meanwhile one of the workers came and asked me to follow him to the back of their work building. He said he had a surprise for me. I followed him to the back of the building to find a big, beautiful statue of an angel "protecting" a little boy and a little girl. He said they dug up the bush next to Avery Kate's grave and they were going to put this statue there. I just thought that was so special! After we finished decorating, we all got back into the car and Hallie began to cry....uncontrollably! She cried, "I just want Avery Kate! I miss her and I want her! Dad can take her car seat down from the closet and she can come back. I want two sisters, not just one... I want two of them!" Well really I feel the exact same way! I calmed her down, but how do you comfort a child who feels the same way you do? She is just so mature when it comes to stuff like this. I feel like I'm talking with an adult when we talk about Heaven and God. She understands so much.
I had Aubrey's name monogrammed underneath Hallie's and Avery Kate's on their First Christmas Stocking. I have decided to keep this one hanging every year as our memory of our little Christmas Angel that we have to watch over us during the holiday season. We have our house decorated inside and out for the holidays and I know we will have a wonderful Christmas with our family and friends surrounding us. I know it won't be easy, but we have some pretty amazing things to be thankful for. God has blessed us with another beautiful baby girl who I fall in love with more and more each day.

 

 

Overall I've been getting so much better. I'm sleeping better at night and I don't have as much anxiety as I used to. Although I have to admit, I'm already freaking out about December 10; the day when Aubrey will be as old as Avery Kate was on that last day we saw her. I know that day will be hard and scary. I feel so many prayers and so much love and support from everyone that I know I'll make it through that day as well. :)

A New Chapter Starts NOW

Lately I have been thinking about what it would be like when I go back to school in January, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I just can't imagine dropping off Aubrey and going back to the same school and standing in the same place where I received that phone call every single day. My stomach just turns thinking about it. I knew there would be no way I would be able to go back there and keep my focus in the right place. I needed a change. I sent out a few messsages to some friends explaining that I needed a new career. Well, a new position in pharmaceutical sales opened up. I applied, interviewed, and got the job. (Even though it sounds like a piece of cake, it was a lot of work and I have my friend Rachel to thank for all the "training" she did with me) I am so excited to start this new chapter in my life. It's hard to believe that I won't be a teacher anymore, but I know that I will be happy it's just something I have to do. I can't wait to start this new job. Change is a good thing!  "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."

One year = 365 Days

On November 9, it made one whole year that Avery Kate has been gone from this earth; 365 days without my sweet baby girl. Sometimes it feels like it was all a horrible nightmare. I'm glad it wasn't a dream though. I'm glad I got to know her, love her, and spend every single day with her. I was blessed to have her in my life.
Last week was pretty tough. I had mentally prepared myself for that week for a good while leading up to it...or so I had thought. Once Wednesday hit, I was a mess. Last year, the 9th was on a Wednesday. We had gone to a friends to watch to the LSU vs Alabama game the Saturday prior to her passing. Well, we did the same thing this year. We watched the LSU vs. Alabama game on Saturday with all of our friends, and as Wednesday approached me, I began to have the worst anxiety. It was too identical to last year and I didn't handle it very well. On Wednesday I sat in the living room and stared at the clock. I went over every single detail in my head of that horrible, awful day. Each minute that passed I remembered what I was doing at that time. My stomach was in knots as those flashbacks entered my head. I held Aubrey tightly and prayed she would not leave me too. As I watched the time hit 11:00 (the time I got the phone call last year) I noticed a beautiful, bright yellow butterfly fluttering outside my window. It only stayed long enough to cause a small grin to come across my face. On Thursday, I did the same thing. I sat in the living room and watched the clock. I don't know why I did that to myself, but I couldn't help it. I imagined what Honey and Pops were going through on that day, performing CPR, calling 911, and I just can't imagine what that must have been like for them. Then, around 11:00 again, another butterfly came to my window and fluttered around. This one was orange, but still beautiful! It stayed a while and I just watched it with tears pouring down my face. Terri happened to have called during this "moment" I was going through and she drove all the way here just to give me a hug. I sure did need that.
I wanted to go to Honey and Pops and visit with them last week, but I just couldn't. I couldn't physically drive up to their house and carry Aubrey into their house. I just wasn't ready yet, I will be, but last week was not the week. When I am ready, it will be one of the toughest things I will have to do, but I know I can do it. I definitely won't be able to bring her anywhere else that's for sure! I trust Honey and Pops, they are now our family. I'm so happy they've agreed to keep Aubrey when I go back to work. But, like I said, just not yet.
On Friday I decided that I was not going to watch the clock. I was getting out of the house! I brought Hallie to her babysitter, and I was doing so well! I hadn't even shed a tear. Hallie had plans to sleep at my mom's in New Iberia that night, so when I dropped her off at Mrs. Kathy's I reminded her that she was going there when I picked her up. She asked if Aubrey could go with her. I told her that Aubrey wasn't big enough yet. She started crying and said, "But Avery Kate came with me last time!" And then came my tears, behind my sunglasses of course. Her memory is absolutely amazing!
My friend Teri invited me to have lunch with her and I was so happy to have something to do and keep my mind busy. As I was getting ready, I told myself that I wouldn't look at any clock until after 11:18 (time of death).Well,  Brandon called me at exactly 11:18 and my heart just sank to see that time on my phone, and on that day. In my mind I just heard, "Time of death, 11:18." I just imagined that happening in the ER with my poor innocent Avery Kate lying there on the table. Teri and I had lunch (with Aubrey of course) and then I made my way to the graveyard. I remembered my poor brothers lowering Avery Kate into the ground. I remembered the looks on their faces. I remembered the pain I felt, a pain that some people never experience in their entire lifetime.
How is it that an entire year has passed and I still remember every single detail of that day?  I can barely remember what I did yesterday. I will always cherish those memories I have of her, but I HATE remembering that day. Every memory I have of November 9, 2011 puts a huge lump in my throat and knots in my stomach.
We all went to New Iberia to drop off Hallie at my mom's and then headed to Youngsville to spend the night at my dad and Terri's house. We had a nice family dinner and just enjoyed each other's company. But we missed Hallie!! It was a nice ending to such an anxiety filled week for me. I was glad it was over.
I wonder if every year will be this way? Will this anxiety feeling ever go away? Will my memories of that day fade? Will I ever be able to rest and know that this will not happen to Aubrey? Will she sleep on side of my bed until she's 18? I already think I'm getting better :) But, I do wish we could skip November 9 every year. That would be nice.

Grieving all over again...

It's been three and a half weeks since Aubrey has been born. I thought I had let out all my "Avery Kate" tears before she was born and I just knew I was prepared for everything. WRONG. I've stumbled across so many different occasions where I was blind sided with something belonging to Avery Kate or special memory of her that hit me like a ton of bricks. The first time I went to put diapers in the diaper bag, Avery Kate's were still there in the little pouch. At night when I feed Aubrey, even though I've changed the decor in the room, it's still that same room at night. I cry almost every night when I feed her, and I always feel like someone is "sitting" on my shoulder when I'm sitting in the chair in her room. I'd like to think it is my little angel watching over me and helping me through tough times.
I guess when you have a baby, you have those same routines; change the diaper, feed, burp, swaddle, snuggle, walk back to the room, etc. That routine reminds me so much of my special times I had with Avery Kate. No one else was awake, it was dark, no TV, no cell phones, no interruptions. It was just Avery Kate and me. She would look into my eyes when I fed her and those moments are all brought back to me each night. I look into Aubrey's sweet eyes and pray that God will let her stay with me. The truth is, I have no guarantee. Faith is the only thing that will keep me grounded.
Aubrey is the quietest sleeping baby I have ever seen! She doesn't move or make a sound when she sleeps. I put her to sleep at 10:00 and she makes the smallest little squeak at 2:00. I feed her and put her back to sleep, and then she makes the same little squeak at 6:00. So you'd think, I'm sleeping so good right? WRONG. I put her to sleep, turn on her apnea monitor, get in bed, and close my eyes. Did I turn on her monitor? Did I hook her up correctly? Is that monitor really working? Let me see if she's really breathing, Maybe she spit up and she's choking, will the monitor pick that up? Let me turn on the little light and see, I bet she came out of her swaddle and she's smothering herself, that monitor can't be working right.... Then I try to pray myself to sleep.... Hail Mary, full of gra..... Did I just hear her choke? OK, here we go again... Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is .....I wonder if she found her pacifier and now it's blocking her mouth to where she can't breathe.... That's every night. I close my eyes, sometimes I even put a blanket over my eyes so I'm forced to sleep, and I'm freaked out!! I feel like a first time mother times a million! I never did this with Hallie or Avery Kate. I just need to give it time, but I sure hope time will calm me down. My mind has to relax so my body can do the same. There have been hundreds of times that I stare at Aubrey in her seat, just waiting for that next breath to come. She's so still and so quiet that it's hard to see her breathe. And then sometimes, when I look at her sleeping, I have flashbacks of that day where I saw Avery Kate's lifeless body on the table in the ER. Avery Kate just looked like she was sleeping. Her color had not changed or anything. So how can I rest assured that Aubrey is OK when she just appears to be sleeping too? That's where I have to let my faith come in once again right? It's just so hard!
This is also the same time period that Avery Kate and I were out and about last year. Brandon and I took Hallie and Aubrey to the MSU Homecoming parade last night. It was the same place and same routine from last year when I took Hallie and Avery Kate. We ate at Gatti's with our friends and watched the parade. I put Aubrey in the same outfit (Hallie also wore that outfit and bow to her first MSU parade) and it was complete deja vu. Of course I made it through the night with a smile, but I kept remembering every detail from the year before. It's like I'm grieving Avery Kate all over again.
Last night, I sat on the couch to feed Aubrey before bed time. Sadie was of course all curled up next to me and then Hallie joined us. I looked at Hallie and said, "I've got all my favorite girls right here." She looked at me and said, "But someone's missing!" Of course she was referring to Avery Kate. I tried to explain that she was here with us, but of course she can't see her. So I told her she was in her heart. "In my skin???" She asked. I'm having a hard time explaining how Avery Kate can be with us without us seeing her. Then I told her we were going to baptize Aubrey on Sunday at church. She asked me if Avery Kate was going to be there for that. I guess she's just thinking that maybe Avery Kate is still at church and will come back one day??? I wish that were true!
We are taking it one day at a time and I know in my heart that it will get better. I know she will be OK, and we will be too.
I came across the lyrics to this song and I feel that we can all benefit from them:

Oh Lord You lead me
By the still wa - ters
Quietly restoring my soul
You speak words of wisdom
The promise of the glory
The power of the presence of God


Chorus:
Have faith in God
Let your hope rest on the faith
He has placed in your heart
Never give up, never let go of the faith
He has placed in your heart


Verse 2:
Oh Lord You guide me
Through all the darkness
Turning my nights into day
And You'll never leave me
Never forsake me
The power of the presence of God

Our Rainbow Has Arrived!

Aubrey Kathryn Soileau was born on Tuesday, October 2, 2012 at 1:03 PM. She weighed 6lbs 11oz; 19.5 in long.
I did really well the morning of the birth even though I had been anticipating this day for 9 long months. I knew it would be just a tidal wave of emotions. I was so nervous to hold another baby in my arms, feel such strong love for her, and at the same time have that fear that it could be ripped from me in an instant. The moment I saw Aubrey, tears immediately fell from my eyes. I was so happy to meet my baby girl. I cried tears of joy at that moment and knew I was already completely in love. I felt such a relief as I watched them clean her up and take her measurements. I did it! I made it through the delivery and I was OK. We let all our family and friends in the room to meet the newest addition to our family. The nurses had just finished cleaning her up, and they placed her in my arms. I cannot even begin to explain the way I felt; there are no words to describe it. I fought so hard to keep the tears in, but I broke to a million pieces. I was so happy and scared at the same time. I was reminded of that moment I held Avery Kate for the first time. It was just so overwhelming. These two pictures capture that moment:

She had a little trouble with her breathing once she was born, so they kept her on the warmer for a while. She finally got the hang of it and Hallie was able to hold her. She absolutely loves her!! She knew exactly what to do with her and was an amazing big sister right from the start.

That night we decided to send Aubrey to the nursery to sleep. She was on a sleep apnea monitor from the hospital but we knew we would sleep better with her in the nursery under constant supervision. When the nurse came to get her, I had a really hard time. It felt like that moment when I gave Avery Kate to the social worker in the ER for the very last time. Of course I broke down once again. We had such an emotional and wonderful day and it is one I will never forget.

 

We stayed at the hospital for two nights and went home on Thursday. I wanted them to keep me forever! I love the staff at the hospital and it's so comforting knowing that Aubrey was being monitored. The hospital sent us home with an apnea monitor. They told us it would have many false alarms and it would probably go off a lot. It went off like crazy at the hospital and Brandon and I were completely freaked out. It seemed like this monitor was going to be more of a pain and a curse than the blessing we were hoping for. Our first night at home was amazing though! Aubrey slept like a champ and that monitor never went off. Of course Brandon and I woke up a million times and checked on her anyways. I was actually able to rest knowing that monitor was on her. Thank goodness we have it!

One of my biggest fears has been that once Aubrey was born, everyone would forget about Avery Kate. I was especially worried that Hallie would forget about her now that she has a little sister again. Mrs. Christy took Hallie to go get some pumpkins on Saturday. She came back with some big pumpkins and some little tiny ones. Hallie said she wanted to bring one to Avery Kate's grave. My heart completely melted! I know Hallie's memories of Avery Kate will fade with time because she is so young, but we will be the ones to keep her memory alive through pictures and stories that we tell her. I just love that she thought to bring her sister a pumpkin though! I still tear up just thinking about it.

I've had some deja vu moments here at home these past few days that have made me have little break downs, but I know I have a very special angel on my side helping me through every step of this new journey. What they say about rainbows is true, it does not mean the storm never existed, or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light can appear through the dark clouds. Aubrey is our rainbow baby for a reason. She was handpicked and sent to us for a reason. I'm so happy and thankful to have her in my life.

 

This is a collage of all three of my girls on the day they came home from the hospital. It is so special to me!