Merry Christmas

This week we celebrated our second Christmas without Avery Kate and our first Christmas with Aubrey as well as our first Christmas having two children. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. Every time I would dress the girls in their matching outfits, my heart would immediately start to hurt. Every picture we took, every "baby" gift we bought, every family celebration we went to...My heart felt like it was bleeding. It was so much harder this year than last year. Maybe I was still numb at this time last year? I was so happy to celebrate Aubrey's first Christmas this year, but at the same time, I knew this is exactly the Christmas I had planned out in my head for Avery Kate to have last year. It is just so hard to explain. It was probably one of the hardest weeks so far, and maybe because it just lingered on forever. For those of you who know me well, you know we have lots and lots of families to celebrate with on the holidays, so Christmas isn't just a one day event.
On Christmas morning, I pictured Avery Kate running into the living room with Hallie and opening presents with her. I imagined her playing with Hallie in their new playhouse that Santa brought them. I just imagined how happy she would have been here with us. And then I imagined different things. I started to think of her in Heaven with Paw Paw and Jesus. I pictured them all rejoicing and spending Christmas with the true reason for the season. How lucky she is to be there, but I would just love to have all three of my babies here on Earth laughing and smiling with us on Christmas morning. I do take a few moments during this time to look at Hallie and Aubrey and thank God that I have them in my life. I really am blessed, but it doesn't take away the hurt in my heart or the lump in my throat during this holiday season. I now understand what people mean when they say that the holidays are the hardest once their loved ones pass away.
On another note, I have started my new job. I study all day long and take two tests a day. It's pretty demanding and I have Aubrey home with me while I'm doing this which isn't the most ideal situation. It's working though, and I am learning a lot. Honey and Pops will open back up on Thursday and I am bringing Aubrey there. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. How am I supposed to drop off my baby and leave her there? The last time I did that, I never got to see her again. I know deep down that Aubrey will be OK and I know they will take care of her, but it will be so hard. I have been dreading this day since the day she was born. My stomach is in knots and that lump is in my throat as I type this. I'm so nervous! But the reality is that Aubrey will be just fine and there is no better place for me to bring her. So I've got to calm down and just do it. I can do it. Or at least I keep telling myself that right? Well, I know I can do it with the help of that special guardian angel I have with me all the time. I will put it in God's hands.
Also, I have to leave next Sunday to go to New York for training for three whole weeks. Yes, three weeks straight! Brandon bought me an iPAD for Christmas so I can face time with him and the girls, but I am going to miss them sooooo much! I don't know how I am going to go without seeing them for three whole weeks, but I know it will be worth it in the long run and it's best for my family. After all, compared to my lifetime without Avery Kate, three weeks will be nothing. I'm going to make the best of it and try to enjoy the fact that I will actually be able to sleep all night long with both eyes closed. How wonderful does that sound! Speaking of sleeping....I have been doing a lot better. Aubrey sleeps for eight straight hours and then I wake her up to eat after that. She is definitely my easiest baby, so I am not worried about Brandon being home with them while I'm gone. Our moms will be here to help him, but I know he can do it.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and I wish you a happy new year. I know I have learned to never take anything or anyone for granted this year. I hug my babies and feel so blessed that God has shared them with me. I've learned a lot about myself this year too and I know now that I can conquer anything. Embrace life and live every moment to the fullest. Happy New Year! Come on 2013...the best is yet to come!