If Heaven wasn't so far away

I've been very busy lately with the Easter holiday and learning my new job so I haven't had a chance to update my blog and I've felt it building up in chest. This blog is my release. It's my way to let out my thoughts and feelings and to just be real with myself. I also hope to help people along the way, but ultimately, I'm helping myself.
We have been looking for someone to keep Aubrey for the summer since Honey and Pops only keep teacher's kids during teacher hours. It's been the hardest thing to do since we have been so overprotective of Aubrey since she was born. well, after much searching, Mrs. Kathy offered to keep Aubrey this summer and it just means the world to me. She only keeps kids once they turn a year old, so for her to keep Aubrey at 8 months is a really big deal. It's also a big deal to me for more than that reason itself. Not only do we already trust her completely, but this allows Hallie and Aubrey to be there together all summer. I cry just thinking about this. Hallie and Avery Kate were supposed to be together this year at Mrs. Kathy's. I was so excited for them to be together and that was just another dream for my children that was crushed with her death. Mrs. Kathy has allowed that dream to come true. I haven't been able to tell her about it because I know I could never get the first word out without crying, but it just shows how wonderful she is. I know she was just trying to help me so I didn't have to bring Aubrey to a stranger, but it's much deeper than that to me. I couldn't even type about this without wiping my tears away. Thank you Mrs. Kathy for being such a critical part of our lives. I don't know what I would do without you!
I also had a really tough week last week. Aubrey turned 6 months old on Tuesday. This is the day we've been waiting for all along. The risk of SIDS drastically decreases at 6 months old. All along I thought I'd take her off the monitor at night and she'd start sleeping in her own room. WRONG. My heart was just so soft Monday night. Aubrey had her 6 month check up the next morning and I was just a mess inside thinking of her doctor taking her off that monitor. I just wasn't ready. Not only that, but I was browsing around facebook that night and saw a post from another SIDS mom. She had to bury her second child of SIDS. I even made the mistake of looking at her pictures and seeing pictures of her beautiful babies just gone with no reason. She had captions on her pictures saying how God had given her a piece of her heart back and how blessed she was to have another wonderful baby. The way she felt about her baby boy is exactly the way I feel about Aubrey. And she lost him. My heart literally hurt; my chest felt so tight as I thumbed through her pictures. I just put myself in her shoes and I could not imagine losing two children. I just got really scared and knew that I was not ready to take Aubrey off her monitor. I cried myself to sleep that Monday night. I cried for Avery Kate, and I cried at the thought of ever losing another one of my girls. Please pray for that mom, because I know a few extra prayers can go a long way.
I took Aubrey to her doctor Tuesday morning and he was absolutely amazing and supportive of me. He told me I didn't have to take her off her monitor until I could look him in the eye and tell him I was 100% ready. I hope Aubrey won't mind wearing this to elementary and high school ;) But I just felt the biggest relief when he said that to me. I still can't believe that the day I've been waiting for is finally here, and I'm still as scared and nervous as I was the first night we had her at home. How long will I feel like this? Hallie even asked me, "Mom, how come I don't wear wires at night." I responded by saying, "Because they won't give me any for you!" And I am serious in that response haha!
That Tuesday afternoon I was driving home from work and heard a country song on the radio. "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" by Justin Moore. I lost it. And I mean, completely lost it right there in my car. Thank goodness I was done with work because there was no way I could go into a doctor's office after this. My makeup was awful and the crying was just uncontrollable. Here are the lyrics that got me the worst:
 "Then tell him we'd be back in a couple of days
In the rear view mirror we'd all watch 'em wave
Yeah, and losing them wouldn't be so hard to take
If heaven wasn't so far away"
I just pictured Avery Kate waving to me, Brandon, and the girls. I imagined my face lighting up knowing we would be back in a few days, knowing I wouldn't have to wait this lifetime to see her again. I pictured the fun she is having there, and all of us getting to experience that with her. and it sucks! It absolutely sucks because I don't get to experience any of that with her. That song really hit me hard, and I know timing is everything. I couldn't pick up Aubrey first because I didn't want Honey and Pops to know I'd been crying. So I picked up Hallie first and of course cried at Mrs. Kathy's as I tried to explain the song. It just really touched my heart. But it also felt so good to let it all out. It had been balling up inside of me for a while.
Lately I've been squeezing Aubrey and Hallie and just cherishing every moment I have with them. Life is short as we all know now and I want to remember every second I have with my children. I'm trying to learn my new job and be the best I can possibly be, but I also have to remember that I have a family; a family who is precious. We don't have all the time in the world so the time we do have together should be meaningful. I learned a few other things these past few weeks:

1. Country music stations are prohibited during the work day.
2. Cupcakes can get you anywhere in life :)
3. Do something that makes you happy. Don't stay in your career because you're used to it.
4. No regrets
5. Cherish those in your life, they make your life what it is.
6. Rock your babies, you'll never get to do it again.
7. Take as many pictures as you can. You can never have enough images to capture the present.
8. Have faith, without it, you have nothing.
9. Being alone in the car can be good for soul searching, and for catching up with family and friends on the phone :)
10. Don't eat at Grandma's for lunch if you have a busy afternoon of work planned (boy did I want to curl up on the couch and pass out! roast, rice and gravy, smothered potatoes, veggies, macaroni, salad, dessert...woa!
11. As much as you are your child's hero, they are in turn yours :)
12. If Heaven wasn't so far away... I would be there every single day! Especially since I have a company car with free gas!

Where is the PAUSE button?

I know it's been a while since I've written, but since I've been back with my family I've really been enjoying "living in the moment." Aubrey is growing up right before my eyes. I blink, and somehow she's bigger and meeting milestones that I didn't think she was ready for yet. She is rolling all over my living room, trying to sit up, and almost ready for baby food. I just want her to stay my little tiny baby. I think part of this is the fact that I'm human, and most mothers get a little teary eyed imagining their babies growing up. But another part is that the older Aubrey gets, I feel like I lose another piece of Avery Kate. When Aubrey was born, I felt like I got part of Avery Kate back. I'm not saying that I think she was reincarnated or anything, but that hole in my heart that was longing to hold her, squeeze her, smell her, etc...the physical things that I missed...that hole was filled when I held Aubrey for the first time. And now that she is getting older, I know that I will never feel that again. I love watching Aubrey grow up too, but deep down I always think of what Avery Kate would look like at this age, or what Avery Kate would be doing now if she were here to help Hallie and I cheer on Aubrey to roll over, etc. Lately, I've been surrounded by some friends with babies the same age as Avery Kate and I just watched their kids running around Aubrey and playing with Hallie, and I can't help but wonder what my life would be like if she were still here. I've been dressing Aubrey in some of Avery Kate's clothes that she was never able to wear. Of course I'm the only one who knows this, but Hallie always seems to comment on the outfits, even if it's just a simple pair of pajamas. "Mom! These are beautiful!! Are they brand new?" She doesn't miss a thing that's for sure. It always brings such a bitter sweet smile to my face each time I dress her in those clothes. I immediately smile and picture what Avery Kate would have looked like, and then smile even bigger to think of how blessed I am to have sweet Aubrey in my life. She is without a doubt my rainbow after the storm. I am so thankful to have such an amazing baby in my life. I just wish that Avery Kate could be here to enjoy her with us.
Brandon and I attended the funeral of Brandon's uncle on Wednesday. It was at the same place where we had Avery Kate's funeral, and he was buried in the same cemetery. I cannot even begin to explain the memories that came rushing back to me the moment we drove up to the funeral home. I just kept picturing that day that I had to pick our her casket, bring her clothes for her to be dressed for the last time, the way my sweet baby looked in her pretty pink bow, the hugs and kind words I received, the tears I shed, and the list goes on. I remember it all and it all came pouring back into my memory all at once. Of course I tried by best to block it out, but the brain does not work that way. And then I kept watching Brandon's grandma. Even though our situations were different, I could feel her pain. I knew what she was feeling. I remember being in her shoes and burying my child. I don't think any mother should ever have to endure such a pain. It's not the way the world is supposed to turn. We aren't supposed to bury our children.
On a positive note, I am absolutely loving my job! I enjoy my quiet time in my car each day. I get to do some good soul searching, which is also followed my some major jamming! I know I give those big truck drivers something to laugh at because I just let is loose! I also enjoy talking with people each day and getting to know so many people. Every person has a story tell, and I love being the one to hear it. I also feel so much happier and energetic each day. This was the change that I needed in my life. I miss my teacher friends so much, but I do stop by and get my hugs in when I can. I can honestly say that I have been truly happy these past few months. I still have that hurt in my heart, but I have learned how to live with it. I don't know if it will ever go away, and I do acknowledge it occasionally, but ultimately, I am happy. I have God to thank for that. I also have all the prayers from my family and friends too. I know I couldn't have made it this far alone.
And now to move forward. Six months is said to be the "safe" age. SIDS is most common in babies 2-6 months old. I just am not ready for Aubrey to sleep without the monitor. I am finally sleeping better now and I don't want to go back to that anxiety every night, wondering if my child would be alive when I woke up. I still stare at Aubrey every time she sleeps in her chair during the day, or sleeps in her carseat. I am just not ready for the day where she has to sleep without her monitor. Can she use it until she moves out of the house for college?
I also heard of a six month old baby passing away a little over a week ago. My heart hurts for the baby's parents. I would never wish this pain on anyone. This family's story was very similar to ours, but the baby was older. So of course, as I think I am about to gain a little relief when Aubrey turns 6 months, I'm still just as terrified that I will lose her too. Please pray for this family. I know the only thing that got me through this horrible time in my life was prayers. Even when I had no faith, everyone else's faith moved me closer to God and that's why I am OK today.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me to get where I am today. I am so thankful to have such an awesome support group. Thank you :)

Walking by Faith...

I made it! I made it through my entire three-week training in New York. I made it away from my husband and babies for three whole weeks. I still cannot believe I did it! The first week was the hardest. I cried really hard when I'd talk to Brandon and hear Aubrey's little coos in the background. Hallie would cry on face time, which would make me upset too. The first week was just awful. I absolutely hated it. I was mentally exhausted from all the information being pounded into my brain, and I was emotionally exhausted from missing my babies and the thought of something happening to them while I was across the country. I had visitors on the weekends and that really helped to break up the trip. I am so thankful for such awesome family members and friends. The second two weeks went by so fast! I don't know if it was because I finally got the hang of things, or if I was just so distracted and focused on the training that it went by more quickly. Either way, I'm thankful it did. I even experienced my first snow while I was there, which was really cool.  I also felt like Avery Kate was with me every step of the way. I felt closer to her being there, than I have felt in a while. I know she was with me. I also had a few break downs about Avery Kate. It seemed like she was just constantly on my mind the entire time I was at training. And, the strange part is that Hallie started talking about Avery Kate the day I came home. Brandon said she didn't mention her one time while I was gone. I know it's because she was with me, helping me through such a hard time. I'm so lucky to have my own personal angel on my side. As much as I hated being away for so long, I'm actually glad it happened. It forced me out of my comfort zone, and it also brought Brandon closer to girls. Any time I would leave Aubrey in the past, I had this terrible feeling in my stomach. The anxiety I had was sky high, even if I would only be away from her for 30 minutes. So now that I was forced to be away from her for such a long period of time, I'm OK. It's strange how things work out. Now, I can drop Aubrey off at Honey and Pops, and I am totally fine. It feels so good to feel normal when I drop my baby off at her sitter each morning.
While I was at training, I was asked the questions, "So why would you leave teaching?" "You didn't like teaching?" and many similar questions the entire three weeks. I thought I had it all figured out with needing change since Avery Kate passed away. I felt embarrassed or silly for not being OK teaching at that school anymore. I thought something was wrong with me for not being able to go back and teach there. But then I thought about it. Even though our situations are completely different, the children and staff of Sandy Hook Elementary don't want to go back to that building. It's traumatic, and they don't want to constantly have to be reminded of that horrific day, reliving the worst day of their lives. That's exactly how I feel. I absolutely loved my school and the people I worked with. Those people are the ones who helped me through the worst day of my life. They supported me and were there for me when I needed them. They made my days brighter. And still, I can't go back there and feel normal. I can't go back there and not have that awful feeling in my stomach. I know that everything happens for a reason, and this change will be for the best.
After a long three weeks, I finally got to go home to my babies! Hallie was waiting at the airport for me with a huge sign and balloons. She had the biggest smile on her face. I couldn't wait to hug her! She came running to me, "Mom! I missed you sooo m..... You got a new purse??" She doesn't a miss a thing! We left the airport and went to pick up Aubrey. That was honestly one of the hardest things. I was so happy to see her and squeeze her, and I just couldn't help but imagine the feeling I would have if I could see Avery Kate again. I just kept hugging Aubrey and thinking of what I would do if I could hug Avery Kate just one more time. I still get a lump in my throat just thinking about that.
So now I'm home and back to our everyday routines. It's funny how much I've missed making bottles, doing laundry, bathing kids, etc. I just missed being a mommy. I'm so happy to be back home. I've started my job now and I absolutely love it! I'm so glad I took the leap of faith and the step out of my comfort zone. My friend, Elise, shared a quote with me, "Walk by faith, not by sight." I feel like I have lived that quote to the fullest these last few months. I have faith that God will see me through my darkest times, and he has never let me down. Aubrey has truly been my rainbow following the worst storm imaginable. I feel so happy about my life. I have a wonderful husband, amazing children, and a job that makes me happy... But that scares me. The last time I felt that way, my precious Avery Kate was ripped from heart. I'm scared to be happy again. That's where the faith has got to come in. I'm trying, but I'm still scared.
Here is a quote that goes along with this post:
"Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." -Martin Luther King, Jr.
I don't see the whole staircase, but I'm OK just taking baby steps. As long as I'm moving forward, I know I'm moving in the right direction.

Here are a few pics from the trip:

HOME SWEET HOME!

Aubrey's First Day

Aubrey's first day at Honey and Pops was set for Thursday, January 3. I had been mentally preparing for that day then she was born. Honey texted me that week and asked if I could bring her Wednesday instead so she could have her by herself and just get comfortable with things before the other babies came back. It was soooo hard! I cried the entire morning but managed to keep it together when I dropped her off. It was really hard. Luckily I had a doctors appointment so I didn't have to go home alone. When I left there I picked up lunch and realized that I could not go home. I had never been there without Aubrey and I my heart was hurting too badly to be able to handle being home alone. So I went to Heather's and stayed there until it was time to pick up Aubrey.
As I drove up to pick her up, I just thought, "I did it!" I was so proud of myself! But when I walked out of their house holding my sweet baby, it hit me. I never got to do this that last day with Avery Kate. I dropped her off and never got to pick her up again. I cried the entire way home. I would have never thought that picking her up would be the hard part! Sometimes it just hits me when I least expect it.
Thursday was a little easier dropping her off. I had done it the day before and I was ok. I went home to finish studying and testing for my new job. I absolutely hated it. I hated seeing her mamaRoo-empty. I hated seeing her bottles and seeing all of her things and not seeing her. I felt just like that night when I walked into our house without Avery Kate. All of her things were there, but she was not. It was so hard to study and focus on my work! I'm not even sure if I learned anything that day.
Finally I had had enough of the silence so I called Brandon's sister to come change out Avery Kate's flowers with me. We took her Christmas tree down and put her some pretty, happy flowers. I knew I couldn't leave town with her grave not taken care of. Then I went to pick up Aubrey. It was hard again, but I made it. I told Honey that she was never allowed to call me if Aubrey was with her. My heart cannot handle seeing that number on my phone if my baby is there. It's just too many memories and flashbacks. Of course she agreed. I know it's hard for them too. It's really not easy to leave her at all, but it's something I had to do. I can't put her in a bubble forever can I? I sure wish I could sometimes.
Well I made it past another hurdle during this journey we call life. There will be many more, but I have faith that I can make it. We don't have to be strong throughout every day, we just have to trust that God will be there every step of the way.

19 days without my family

This morning I woke up at 6:00 to feed Aubrey. I fed her in her room just like I always do. The only difference today was that she stared at me and smiled the whole time while I cried my eyes out. I held her tightly and kissed her forehead probably twenty times. I just had that feeling that I did when I held Avery Kate in the emergency room day. I just told Aubrey... Don't you go anywhere. You stay here and wait for mommy to come home. You have to be here when I get back ok? Again, she just smiled. Hallie cried a little too, but not nearly as much as I did. Brandon and I tried to pretend like it was so cool that I would be away because they were going to have so much fun! I also promised her that I would be coming home. I didn't want her to think that I was going away just like Avery Kate did. I managed to hold it together, but it was sooo hard! I could barely see through the tears in my eyes as I checked in at the air port. But you know what... I made it. I'm half way to New York now and I know I will be ok. That's the good thing about having God on my side... I will always be ok... No matter what. And after all... I get to have one of my babies with me this entire week and I feel her presence.

Merry Christmas

This week we celebrated our second Christmas without Avery Kate and our first Christmas with Aubrey as well as our first Christmas having two children. It was such a roller coaster of emotions. Every time I would dress the girls in their matching outfits, my heart would immediately start to hurt. Every picture we took, every "baby" gift we bought, every family celebration we went to...My heart felt like it was bleeding. It was so much harder this year than last year. Maybe I was still numb at this time last year? I was so happy to celebrate Aubrey's first Christmas this year, but at the same time, I knew this is exactly the Christmas I had planned out in my head for Avery Kate to have last year. It is just so hard to explain. It was probably one of the hardest weeks so far, and maybe because it just lingered on forever. For those of you who know me well, you know we have lots and lots of families to celebrate with on the holidays, so Christmas isn't just a one day event.
On Christmas morning, I pictured Avery Kate running into the living room with Hallie and opening presents with her. I imagined her playing with Hallie in their new playhouse that Santa brought them. I just imagined how happy she would have been here with us. And then I imagined different things. I started to think of her in Heaven with Paw Paw and Jesus. I pictured them all rejoicing and spending Christmas with the true reason for the season. How lucky she is to be there, but I would just love to have all three of my babies here on Earth laughing and smiling with us on Christmas morning. I do take a few moments during this time to look at Hallie and Aubrey and thank God that I have them in my life. I really am blessed, but it doesn't take away the hurt in my heart or the lump in my throat during this holiday season. I now understand what people mean when they say that the holidays are the hardest once their loved ones pass away.
On another note, I have started my new job. I study all day long and take two tests a day. It's pretty demanding and I have Aubrey home with me while I'm doing this which isn't the most ideal situation. It's working though, and I am learning a lot. Honey and Pops will open back up on Thursday and I am bringing Aubrey there. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. How am I supposed to drop off my baby and leave her there? The last time I did that, I never got to see her again. I know deep down that Aubrey will be OK and I know they will take care of her, but it will be so hard. I have been dreading this day since the day she was born. My stomach is in knots and that lump is in my throat as I type this. I'm so nervous! But the reality is that Aubrey will be just fine and there is no better place for me to bring her. So I've got to calm down and just do it. I can do it. Or at least I keep telling myself that right? Well, I know I can do it with the help of that special guardian angel I have with me all the time. I will put it in God's hands.
Also, I have to leave next Sunday to go to New York for training for three whole weeks. Yes, three weeks straight! Brandon bought me an iPAD for Christmas so I can face time with him and the girls, but I am going to miss them sooooo much! I don't know how I am going to go without seeing them for three whole weeks, but I know it will be worth it in the long run and it's best for my family. After all, compared to my lifetime without Avery Kate, three weeks will be nothing. I'm going to make the best of it and try to enjoy the fact that I will actually be able to sleep all night long with both eyes closed. How wonderful does that sound! Speaking of sleeping....I have been doing a lot better. Aubrey sleeps for eight straight hours and then I wake her up to eat after that. She is definitely my easiest baby, so I am not worried about Brandon being home with them while I'm gone. Our moms will be here to help him, but I know he can do it.
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and I wish you a happy new year. I know I have learned to never take anything or anyone for granted this year. I hug my babies and feel so blessed that God has shared them with me. I've learned a lot about myself this year too and I know now that I can conquer anything. Embrace life and live every moment to the fullest. Happy New Year! Come on 2013...the best is yet to come!

9 weeks and 6 days

Last Monday, Aubrey was 9 weeks and 6 days old; the same age that Avery Kate was the day we held her in our arms for the last time. I had so much anxiety during the days leading up to that day. Sunday night we were driving on the interstate (sleep apnea monitor all hooked up on her) and Aubrey's machine went off. It showed that her breathing was either weak or non-existent. Really? This is the last thing we need! Luckily I was driving and Brandon jumped back there to check on her. She was fine of course, but again....really? Tonight? Once we were all sleeping Sunday night, guess what happened again? Yep! That darn monitor started going off again! I think it went off two or three times that night, and let me tell you, it takes a while to recover from that kind of wake up call. Aubrey was just fine every time the machine went off, but boy did my heart race! The machine makes a noise like no other. It's loud and high pitched, and frankly one that I will never forget as long as I live. Of all the times for that machine to start going off, it chooses now. My heart had a hard time recovering from that long night. Of course Monday I watched the clock and as it hit 11:19, I thought, "Aubrey is now one minute older than Avery Kate ever was." I just kept looking at her all day, looking deep into her beautiful blue eyes and thinking how I could not imagine losing her. It's something that I don't really have to imagine every day, but something that I remember feeling when I lost Avery Kate. And now somehow, all that pain came back to me on Monday. I was so scared that I would lose Aubrey, so scared that all this happiness would be taken from me, but of course I made it through the day. I have never held a baby so tightly or stared so long as I did on Monday. When I closed my eyes to go to sleep that night, I thanked God for Aubrey. She is truly a miracle and a blessing from above. God sent her to me to help me through hard times, make the good times better, and to know that nothing in life should be taken for granted. I feel so lucky and blessed!
During the past week, I couldn't help but feel like Avery Kate had missed out on so much. I've now had Aubrey for one week longer than I had Avery Kate. One week makes a big difference in the life of a baby. In that one week Aubrey was able to meet her new baby cousin, something that Avery Kate was never able to do. With every day that passes I think about what we would have been doing with Avery Kate. I had such big plans for her, and it makes me nervous to plan for Aubrey. I bought her Christmas dress and immediately imagined Avery Kate's Christmas dress hanging in her closet, a dress she was never able to wear. I just pray every night that God will let Aubrey stay here with us and she will be able to do all the wonderful things that I have planned for her. I guess I will have to let my faith take over, because only God knows what lies ahead for us.
So I didn't make Christmas cards this year. I don't know if it was a time issue or the fact that I really wanted my entire family together in front of the Christmas tree this year. Maybe it's a little of both. I just want all my babies together and it will never happen. I want to put my arms out and have a big girlie group hug with my three daughters. Again, it will never happen. I sometimes dream about what it might be like, and it's the best feeling in the world. But those are just dreams, not reality. I'll get passed this, but these issues are still very fresh.
Hallie has been talking about Avery Kate a lot lately too. While I was feeding Aubrey the other night, Hallie sat next to me and said she needed a bottle too. She said that I could feed Aubrey and she could feed Avery Kate. Before I could respond to her, she said, "Mom, that would be soooo special right?" Of course the only response I could give was, "Of course! That would be so special." Hallie is one special little girl let me tell you. She even made Brandon drive by the graveyard the other day to check on Avery Kate's Christmas tree. She is always thinking about her little sister and still wants to take care of her. I love that about her! When I pierced Aubrey's ears last week, Hallie immediately started to call her "A-Kate." I wonder if the earrings just made her believe that Avery Kate was back? She could have just been being silly too, but it really hurt my heart to hear her calling her that.
I am taking each day at a time now and thanking God for allowing Aubrey to be here with me. I know Avery Kate was sent to our family to be our Guardian Angel, and I think she is doing a pretty good job. I feel her with me when I get to my lowest points and I know she will continue to help me through each and every day.
I dressed Aubrey in Hallie and Avery Kate's little dress this morning. My plan is to frame all three of their pictures in my hallway. My Maw Maw and Paw Paw have their three girls in the same dress framed in their hallway and I have always loved looking at those pictures. I knew the day that I found out Aubrey was a girl that I would do the same thing. Here is a sneak peak at their sweet pictures. They each have a little piece of each other which I think is pretty awesome. Hallie was 4 weeks old, Avery Kate was 8 weeks old, and Aubrey was 11 weeks old in the picture. I love making pictures like this but I know deep down that it's only a matter of time when Aubrey outgrows everything that Avery Kate wore. It makes me so sad! But let's live in the present and enjoy all these little moments right?

I begin my home study for my new job tomorrow so I won't have much time to write. I am so excited to start this new chapter of my life, well I have to admit I'm a little nervous too. But bring on the new career...I'm ready!  Merry Christmas :)