I've been very busy lately with the Easter holiday and learning my new job so I haven't had a chance to update my blog and I've felt it building up in chest. This blog is my release. It's my way to let out my thoughts and feelings and to just be real with myself. I also hope to help people along the way, but ultimately, I'm helping myself.
We have been looking for someone to keep Aubrey for the summer since Honey and Pops only keep teacher's kids during teacher hours. It's been the hardest thing to do since we have been so overprotective of Aubrey since she was born. well, after much searching, Mrs. Kathy offered to keep Aubrey this summer and it just means the world to me. She only keeps kids once they turn a year old, so for her to keep Aubrey at 8 months is a really big deal. It's also a big deal to me for more than that reason itself. Not only do we already trust her completely, but this allows Hallie and Aubrey to be there together all summer. I cry just thinking about this. Hallie and Avery Kate were supposed to be together this year at Mrs. Kathy's. I was so excited for them to be together and that was just another dream for my children that was crushed with her death. Mrs. Kathy has allowed that dream to come true. I haven't been able to tell her about it because I know I could never get the first word out without crying, but it just shows how wonderful she is. I know she was just trying to help me so I didn't have to bring Aubrey to a stranger, but it's much deeper than that to me. I couldn't even type about this without wiping my tears away. Thank you Mrs. Kathy for being such a critical part of our lives. I don't know what I would do without you!
I also had a really tough week last week. Aubrey turned 6 months old on Tuesday. This is the day we've been waiting for all along. The risk of SIDS drastically decreases at 6 months old. All along I thought I'd take her off the monitor at night and she'd start sleeping in her own room. WRONG. My heart was just so soft Monday night. Aubrey had her 6 month check up the next morning and I was just a mess inside thinking of her doctor taking her off that monitor. I just wasn't ready. Not only that, but I was browsing around facebook that night and saw a post from another SIDS mom. She had to bury her second child of SIDS. I even made the mistake of looking at her pictures and seeing pictures of her beautiful babies just gone with no reason. She had captions on her pictures saying how God had given her a piece of her heart back and how blessed she was to have another wonderful baby. The way she felt about her baby boy is exactly the way I feel about Aubrey. And she lost him. My heart literally hurt; my chest felt so tight as I thumbed through her pictures. I just put myself in her shoes and I could not imagine losing two children. I just got really scared and knew that I was not ready to take Aubrey off her monitor. I cried myself to sleep that Monday night. I cried for Avery Kate, and I cried at the thought of ever losing another one of my girls. Please pray for that mom, because I know a few extra prayers can go a long way.
I took Aubrey to her doctor Tuesday morning and he was absolutely amazing and supportive of me. He told me I didn't have to take her off her monitor until I could look him in the eye and tell him I was 100% ready. I hope Aubrey won't mind wearing this to elementary and high school ;) But I just felt the biggest relief when he said that to me. I still can't believe that the day I've been waiting for is finally here, and I'm still as scared and nervous as I was the first night we had her at home. How long will I feel like this? Hallie even asked me, "Mom, how come I don't wear wires at night." I responded by saying, "Because they won't give me any for you!" And I am serious in that response haha!
That Tuesday afternoon I was driving home from work and heard a country song on the radio. "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away" by Justin Moore. I lost it. And I mean, completely lost it right there in my car. Thank goodness I was done with work because there was no way I could go into a doctor's office after this. My makeup was awful and the crying was just uncontrollable. Here are the lyrics that got me the worst:
"Then tell him we'd be back in a couple of days
In the rear view mirror we'd all watch 'em wave
Yeah, and losing them wouldn't be so hard to take
If heaven wasn't so far away"
I just pictured Avery Kate waving to me, Brandon, and the girls. I imagined my face lighting up knowing we would be back in a few days, knowing I wouldn't have to wait this lifetime to see her again. I pictured the fun she is having there, and all of us getting to experience that with her. and it sucks! It absolutely sucks because I don't get to experience any of that with her. That song really hit me hard, and I know timing is everything. I couldn't pick up Aubrey first because I didn't want Honey and Pops to know I'd been crying. So I picked up Hallie first and of course cried at Mrs. Kathy's as I tried to explain the song. It just really touched my heart. But it also felt so good to let it all out. It had been balling up inside of me for a while.
Lately I've been squeezing Aubrey and Hallie and just cherishing every moment I have with them. Life is short as we all know now and I want to remember every second I have with my children. I'm trying to learn my new job and be the best I can possibly be, but I also have to remember that I have a family; a family who is precious. We don't have all the time in the world so the time we do have together should be meaningful. I learned a few other things these past few weeks:
1. Country music stations are prohibited during the work day.
2. Cupcakes can get you anywhere in life :)
3. Do something that makes you happy. Don't stay in your career because you're used to it.
4. No regrets
5. Cherish those in your life, they make your life what it is.
6. Rock your babies, you'll never get to do it again.
7. Take as many pictures as you can. You can never have enough images to capture the present.
8. Have faith, without it, you have nothing.
9. Being alone in the car can be good for soul searching, and for catching up with family and friends on the phone :)
10. Don't eat at Grandma's for lunch if you have a busy afternoon of work planned (boy did I want to curl up on the couch and pass out! roast, rice and gravy, smothered potatoes, veggies, macaroni, salad, dessert...woa!
11. As much as you are your child's hero, they are in turn yours :)
12. If Heaven wasn't so far away... I would be there every single day! Especially since I have a company car with free gas!