Thursday, March 13, 2014
I haven't posted in a while because I've been so busy and just enjoying life. Avery Kate is on my mind every single day as she will be for the rest of my life, but I didn't feel like I had anything bottled up inside until now. I know grief comes in waves, and yesterday is when the tidal wave hit. I received a message last night that a co-worker of mine whom I've never met lost her 16 month old baby yesterday. He passed away in his sleep with no previously known conditions. I've heard stories that have been similar to my own these past two years and my heart always goes out to those parents and of course prayers as well. But somehow this one was different. Her baby was the same age as Aubrey. I feel like I've worked so hard to overcome all of my fears with her and I finally felt safe. So many times during the night I'm tempted to just glance at the video monitor screen to check on her but I talk myself out of it. I always repeat that saying to myself "walk by faith, not by sight." And then I go back to sleep, leaving it in God's hands. But with something like this... It just breaks my heart all over again and I've gained all that fear back. I know we are never truly "safe." It's in God's hands; we are not the ones in control... But it doesn't make it any easier. When I got the news of this precious little boy's passing, I immediately ran to grab Aubrey out of bed. I just held her and cried. I hugged her and thanked God for sending her to me... And then I begged him to allow me to keep her. It's just one of those moments of weakness when all you can think of is to beg. It's so hard not to be in control of these things. As parents all we want to do is protect our children. It's so hard to lose them and know nothing could have been done differently to save them... It's really hard! So needless to say I went to sleep last night with such a heavy heart, teary eyes, and many many prayers that I know that mom will feel. And of course all through the night I woke up and squinted my eyes at the video monitor to verify that Aubrey's chest was moving up and down. When my alarm went off this morning, my eyes went straight to the video screen. I couldn't tell if her stomach was moving! I ran into her room to touch her and found her sleeping (and breathing) peacefully. Then I walked back to my room and the tidal wave hit me again. I began to think about that mother, and what her morning would be like. I remember that morning after all too well. I remember waking up and hoping, wishing, it was all just a horrible nightmare... But it wasn't. I remember facing reality and knowing that I had to plan my child's funeral that day. I had to pick out something for her to wear for the last time, I had to pick a coffin for her, I had to pick flowers, readings, music, and the list goes on. All these thoughts hit me as I woke up that morning. I just imagined that mom doing the same thing this morning and my heart just broke into a million pieces for her. I would never in a million years wish this feeling on anyone. The morning after is worse than the actual horrific day in my opinion. It's the day where all your worst worries and fears become an actual reality as the initial shock from the day before wears off and you're now forced to deal with it. I've cried numerous times today just reliving each little detail from my own experience and remembering that pain, feeling that pain again, and then knowing someone else was also feeling that same pain for the first time. Please send your prayers to her, because I know how beneficial they are and how much those prayers carried me through my journey. Actually.. Those prayers are still continuing to carry me along this journey because it's a journey that will last until I join my sweet girl in Heaven.