Three Years Old

My blog began as a way for me to document each moment I had with my sweet Avery Kate as well as a way for Hallie to be able to look back and remember her sister. It quickly evolved into my of helping other parents suffering from the loss of their children. I wanted them to know they weren't alone, and their feelings were completely normal. The more I poured my heart out into this blog, I realized it had become therapeutic for me. It helped me to get my feelings out at my own pace. I began to blog less and less and I knew it was because I just didn't feel that need to "get it all out." I'm not saying that I'm over it, or that I don't cry and ask God, "Why?" But I  am getting better at being the mommy of a true angel. Fewer events in life catch me off guard and I'm walking through each day with Avery Kate by my side,  guiding me in the right direction.
This weekend, Labor Day Weekend, each year is always a tough one. I start getting emotional and really tender hearted. This year was no exception. I can't help but think about it's supposed to  be, well how I wish it would be. This is just another year where there is no birthday party, no cute girlie cake, no candles, no presents, no little girls running around my house, no birthday girl. No birthday girl.. Wow.. It's still hard to type. I see the other children that are the same age as Avery Kate and I can't help but wonder what she would be like today. Would she have brown hair like Hallie or blonde hair like Aubrey? What would her birthday party theme be? It's all so hard to imagine. Hallie wants to send Avery Kate a cake up in heaven. I told her she could make a special card and we would send it up with balloons. She also asked when she was going to go to Heaven which my response is always, "Hopefully not any time soon!" It's one of those questions where you can't ever be certain of what our future holds and as much as I want to promise her that we will all be here with her forever, we all know very well that is not the case. Hallie was upset last night and was so focused on the fact that Avery Kate really isn't coming back. It's so hard to tell her that and to know that this is reality and not a long lasting nightmare.
Tomorrow, we will go and bring Avery Kate some new bright and cheery flowers and we will send her 3 balloons up to heaven to symbolize the 3 years that we have all loved her and held her in our hearts. September 1, 2011 was one of the best days of my life. It's all because she entered my world and made my life that much more meaningful. I think of her every day, and I know that she makes me a better person. I look at life differently because of her. I appreciate the people in my life and know they were brought to me for a reason. I am more patient (for the most part) because I realize that most of the time the things that would just piss me off in the past, truly don't matter.
I continue to get my little winks from Avery Kate too. We went on a family vacation last month and when we got out of the car at our first stop, there was a tiny white feather on the ground right at my feet. There's just no way that was a coincidence... No way! I hear songs on the radio at 11:11 that remind me of her. I pray to her every day, but I still long for the day where I can think of her and not get that lump in my throat. I LOVE talking about her. It makes me feel like she is still remembered, but it sure does give me that lump... Every single time! I miss her so much!
So here's to you Avery Kate! On your third birthday... I wish you a happy happy birthday! What better place to celebrate than in heaven.... Even though the human side of me would much rather her celebrate here with me and the rest of our family. I love you sweet girl! We will see you again....

The Tidal Wave

I haven't posted in a while because I've been so busy and just enjoying life. Avery Kate is on my mind every single day as she will be for the rest of my life, but I didn't feel like I had anything bottled up inside until now. I know grief comes in waves, and yesterday is when the tidal wave hit. I received a message last night that a co-worker of mine whom I've never met lost her 16 month old baby yesterday. He passed away in his sleep with no previously known conditions. I've heard stories that have been similar to my own these past two years and my heart always goes out to those parents and of course prayers as well. But somehow this one was different. Her baby was the same age as Aubrey.  I feel like I've worked so hard to overcome all of my fears with her and I finally felt safe. So many times during the night I'm tempted to just glance at the video monitor screen to check on her but I talk myself out of it. I always repeat that saying to myself "walk by faith, not by sight." And then I go back to sleep, leaving it in God's hands. But with something like this... It just breaks my heart all over again and I've gained all that fear back. I know we are never truly "safe." It's in God's hands; we are not the ones in control... But it doesn't make it any easier. When I got the news of this precious little boy's passing, I immediately ran to grab Aubrey out of bed. I just held her and cried. I hugged her and thanked God for sending her to me... And then I begged him to allow me to keep her. It's just one of those moments of weakness when all you can think of is to beg. It's so hard not to be in control of these things. As parents all we want to do is protect our children. It's so hard to lose them and know nothing could have been done differently to save them... It's really hard! So needless to say I went to sleep last night with such a heavy heart, teary eyes, and many many prayers that I know that mom will feel. And of course all through the night I woke up and squinted my eyes at the video monitor to verify that Aubrey's chest was moving up and down. When my alarm went off this morning, my eyes went straight to the video screen. I couldn't tell if her stomach was moving! I ran into her room to touch her and found her sleeping (and breathing) peacefully. Then I walked back to my room and the tidal wave hit me again. I began to think about that mother, and what her morning would be like. I remember that morning after all too well. I remember waking up and hoping, wishing, it was all just a horrible nightmare... But it wasn't. I remember facing reality and knowing that I had to plan my child's funeral that day. I had to pick out something for her to wear for the last time, I had to pick a coffin for her, I had to pick flowers, readings, music, and the list goes on. All these thoughts hit me as I woke up that morning. I just imagined that mom doing the same thing this morning and my heart just broke into a million pieces for her. I would never in a million years wish this feeling on anyone. The morning after is worse than the actual horrific day in my opinion. It's the day where all your worst worries and fears become an actual reality as the initial shock from the day before wears off and you're now forced to deal with it. I've cried numerous times today just reliving each little detail from my own experience and remembering that pain, feeling that pain again, and then knowing someone else was also feeling that same pain for the first time. Please send your prayers to her, because I know how beneficial they are and how much those prayers carried me through my journey. Actually.. Those prayers are still continuing to carry me along this journey because it's a journey that will last until I join my sweet girl in Heaven.