We've been in school for two full weeks now and I absolutely love my class! Going to school each day is something I look forward to. I enjoy being with the people I work with and I don't feel like I'm surrounded by the memories of "that day."
On the other hand, since I started teaching, I've started contracting just about every 2-3 minutes non-stop! I have 7 weeks left so this is waaay too early. The doctor says it's OK so I'm trusting I'll make it a few more weeks. I'm also getting really nervous! As much as I can't wait to meet Aubrey, I am scared. I don't know what I'm really scared of though. Is it because I don't know how I will react when she is born? Or maybe I'm scared I won't be able to sleep or take my eyes off her? Perhaps I'm scared it will bring back all those emotions and grief of Avery Kate? It may be all of those things too. I just know right now I'm good. Aubrey is in my tummy, safe and sound. Her room is looking so happy and cheerful. I just think I'd like to keep her in my stomach forever; as uncomfortable as it may be! But the reality is, she will be coming out soon, and I don't know what to expect.
I got Aubrey's canvas in this week. Brandon propped it up on her bed and I went in to see it. It was so hard to see that name on the wall. All those memories of the day I got Avery Kate's canvas came rushing back to me. I felt that same excitement to see the finishing touches to Avery Kate's room as I was feeling when I saw Aubrey's canvas. I think that's what upsets me the most. I had all these wonderful, happy feelings while preparing to meet Avery Kate just to have them all ripped from heart. My heart is scared to feel that way again. I know I need to, but it's just so hard. The reality really hit me after seeing Aubrey's name on the wall. This is Aubrey's room. It's not Avery Kate's room. I still cry just thinking about it. But on a positive note, Aubrey's room is just about done and I absolutely love it! I've changed it around just enough to remove the sadness and bring joy to the room. I am very pleased. (Pictures to come soon)
I also realize these next few weeks coming up are going to be really tough. It's even harder on me because of the deja vu factor. I'm pregnant, preparing for a new baby, preparing my class for a transition, etc. I remember exactly what I was doing on these days last year. But again, reality sets in and I have to realize that this is a new year and a different baby. I'm really nervous about Saturday though. It's her birthday and she is not here. I have no party invitations, no first birthday smash cake, no birthday outfit, no birthday girl. We will go out to eat with our family and have a special celebration for her, but it's not the same. This morning I was braiding Hallie's hair for church and she put on her locket with Avery Kate's pictures inside. She said, "I miss her so much." I said, "Hallie, did you know her birthday is on Saturday?" Her words of response absolutely break my heart. She said, "Oh I'm so excited! I'm gonna go to her birthday party and give her a big, sweet hug!" Luckily I was behind her still braiding her hair, so she couldn't see my face. Tears immediately started falling down my cheeks. I told her that Avery Kate would be spending her birthday with Jesus in Heaven and she was just so lucky to be able to do that. I couldn't let her know that in my heart, I thought that it sucked pretty bad that she can't be with us. The more I tell myself how lucky she is to be there in Heaven and it's just us on earth who are sad, the sooner I will truly start to believe it. Right now, to me, it sucks. I don't want this weekend to come. My heart is so tender right now with the anticipation of it coming. It's just not fair that Avery Kate is not here with us on her birthday. I've stayed so positive these past few months, and I've really done well, but right now I am falling apart. I just want my baby girl.
I'm going to try to stay as busy as possible this week and surround myself with positive energy. I'm going to pray every night that God will be with us and help us through this. He hasn't failed me, so I know I can trust that if he's bringing me to it, he'll bring me through it!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
New Beginnings, Fresh Start!
School will be starting soon and I started working in my classroom over the summer, just as I usually do. For some reason though, I just couldn't get excited about it. I set up my furniture like I had it last year, and then I did my bulletin boards. Even still, I felt really depressed about the new school year. I knew I had a really good class coming up, but I just didn't want to be there. I remember leaving school one day just absolutely in a slump and knew I had to find a way out. I started to research the possibility of taking a sabbatical or some sort of leave for the year. I am not too sure what I thought that was going to solve or how that would have helped me, but it was the only thing I could think of at the time.
One morning Hallie woke up and asked to go to my school. I thought I would take her there for maybe thirty minutes and she would be ready to go. While we were there, I suddenly had a burst of energy and felt the need to rearrange my entire room. I moved desks, tables, shelves, rugs, etc. (I did this very carefully and did not lift anything....totally safe!) Anyways, Once I was done I felt this wave of positive energy! I was actually looking forward to school starting. I couldn't believe it. I realized that last year was such a hard year, and every time I stood in that spot where I received the phone call that changed my life forever I was brought back to that day. Just looking around my classroom in general brought me back to that day. Now that everything is different and fresh, I'm OK! I still cannot believe that the arrangement of my classroom made that much of a difference. I cannot wait for the first day of school. It will be a new beginning and definitely a fresh start. I even used my cricut and posted some cute quotes in vinyl on the walls. If we surround ourselves with positive energy, how can we not be happy?
I've been working in Aubrey's room lately too. It's still not done, but it looks like a baby room now. Not only does it look like a baby room, it looks like Aubrey's room- not Avery Kate's. That is the most important part to me. It's a happy room and will bring many happy memories. I also bought Aubrey's Christmas dress this week. I was not expecting that to hit me so hard. Once I had it in my hands I remembered the day I bought Avery Kate's Christmas dress. She never got to wear it. I'm worried that all these little lifetime milestones I'll start to meet with Aubrey will cause me to grieve Avery Kate all over again because I will constantly be reminded of everything that she did not get to do. I know I need to focus on the positive, but sometimes the grief and sadness hits me when I least expect it. I guess it's all part of the process.
I'm 30 weeks pregnant now. It's getting close! I'm excited about having a new baby in our house again; OK I'm really scared too! I am ready for Hallie to be a big sister again. She is just so sweet and she still thinks about Avery Kate. We drove by the graveyard the other day on our way to go out on the boat. Hallie asked Brandon to stop so she could see Avery Kate. Well, he couldn't stop because we were pulling a boat behind us, so he told her we couldn't. She said, "But I just wanna make sure she's OK." Tears immediately came to eyes. She is just the sweetest big sister! I can't wait for Aubrey to get here so she can experience the love that Hallie has to give her.
I'm also ready to not be pregnant anymore. I know it sounds strange, but I feel like every stranger I see feels the need to ask, "Oh, this is your first baby?" I try to just smile and say, "No it's my third," but they don't stop! Maybe we are too friendly in Louisiana?? They want to know girl or boy, what I have at home, etc. They're strangers who I will never see again, so I just stick with the whole, I have two girls and I'm pregnant for another girl.You would think that's enough right? NOPE! I'm serious, these people want all the details! I know they're just being sweet, but come on now. Then they ask, "How does your husband feel about three girls in the house?" or "How old are the girls?" or "Three girls huh? WOW! So you'll be trying for that boy next?" I refuse to leave out Avery Kate and maybe I'm just sensitive to it right now, but since when do people need so many details about a complete stranger's pregnancy?
I'm looking forward to these next ten weeks. I'll have an awesome class, wonderful co-workers, and a new baby. What's not to be excited about? Here's to a new school year, and a fresh start! I can't wait!
One morning Hallie woke up and asked to go to my school. I thought I would take her there for maybe thirty minutes and she would be ready to go. While we were there, I suddenly had a burst of energy and felt the need to rearrange my entire room. I moved desks, tables, shelves, rugs, etc. (I did this very carefully and did not lift anything....totally safe!) Anyways, Once I was done I felt this wave of positive energy! I was actually looking forward to school starting. I couldn't believe it. I realized that last year was such a hard year, and every time I stood in that spot where I received the phone call that changed my life forever I was brought back to that day. Just looking around my classroom in general brought me back to that day. Now that everything is different and fresh, I'm OK! I still cannot believe that the arrangement of my classroom made that much of a difference. I cannot wait for the first day of school. It will be a new beginning and definitely a fresh start. I even used my cricut and posted some cute quotes in vinyl on the walls. If we surround ourselves with positive energy, how can we not be happy?
I've been working in Aubrey's room lately too. It's still not done, but it looks like a baby room now. Not only does it look like a baby room, it looks like Aubrey's room- not Avery Kate's. That is the most important part to me. It's a happy room and will bring many happy memories. I also bought Aubrey's Christmas dress this week. I was not expecting that to hit me so hard. Once I had it in my hands I remembered the day I bought Avery Kate's Christmas dress. She never got to wear it. I'm worried that all these little lifetime milestones I'll start to meet with Aubrey will cause me to grieve Avery Kate all over again because I will constantly be reminded of everything that she did not get to do. I know I need to focus on the positive, but sometimes the grief and sadness hits me when I least expect it. I guess it's all part of the process.
I'm 30 weeks pregnant now. It's getting close! I'm excited about having a new baby in our house again; OK I'm really scared too! I am ready for Hallie to be a big sister again. She is just so sweet and she still thinks about Avery Kate. We drove by the graveyard the other day on our way to go out on the boat. Hallie asked Brandon to stop so she could see Avery Kate. Well, he couldn't stop because we were pulling a boat behind us, so he told her we couldn't. She said, "But I just wanna make sure she's OK." Tears immediately came to eyes. She is just the sweetest big sister! I can't wait for Aubrey to get here so she can experience the love that Hallie has to give her.
I'm also ready to not be pregnant anymore. I know it sounds strange, but I feel like every stranger I see feels the need to ask, "Oh, this is your first baby?" I try to just smile and say, "No it's my third," but they don't stop! Maybe we are too friendly in Louisiana?? They want to know girl or boy, what I have at home, etc. They're strangers who I will never see again, so I just stick with the whole, I have two girls and I'm pregnant for another girl.You would think that's enough right? NOPE! I'm serious, these people want all the details! I know they're just being sweet, but come on now. Then they ask, "How does your husband feel about three girls in the house?" or "How old are the girls?" or "Three girls huh? WOW! So you'll be trying for that boy next?" I refuse to leave out Avery Kate and maybe I'm just sensitive to it right now, but since when do people need so many details about a complete stranger's pregnancy?
I'm looking forward to these next ten weeks. I'll have an awesome class, wonderful co-workers, and a new baby. What's not to be excited about? Here's to a new school year, and a fresh start! I can't wait!
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