School will be starting soon and I started working in my classroom over the summer, just as I usually do. For some reason though, I just couldn't get excited about it. I set up my furniture like I had it last year, and then I did my bulletin boards. Even still, I felt really depressed about the new school year. I knew I had a really good class coming up, but I just didn't want to be there. I remember leaving school one day just absolutely in a slump and knew I had to find a way out. I started to research the possibility of taking a sabbatical or some sort of leave for the year. I am not too sure what I thought that was going to solve or how that would have helped me, but it was the only thing I could think of at the time.
One morning Hallie woke up and asked to go to my school. I thought I would take her there for maybe thirty minutes and she would be ready to go. While we were there, I suddenly had a burst of energy and felt the need to rearrange my entire room. I moved desks, tables, shelves, rugs, etc. (I did this very carefully and did not lift anything....totally safe!) Anyways, Once I was done I felt this wave of positive energy! I was actually looking forward to school starting. I couldn't believe it. I realized that last year was such a hard year, and every time I stood in that spot where I received the phone call that changed my life forever I was brought back to that day. Just looking around my classroom in general brought me back to that day. Now that everything is different and fresh, I'm OK! I still cannot believe that the arrangement of my classroom made that much of a difference. I cannot wait for the first day of school. It will be a new beginning and definitely a fresh start. I even used my cricut and posted some cute quotes in vinyl on the walls. If we surround ourselves with positive energy, how can we not be happy?
I've been working in Aubrey's room lately too. It's still not done, but it looks like a baby room now. Not only does it look like a baby room, it looks like Aubrey's room- not Avery Kate's. That is the most important part to me. It's a happy room and will bring many happy memories. I also bought Aubrey's Christmas dress this week. I was not expecting that to hit me so hard. Once I had it in my hands I remembered the day I bought Avery Kate's Christmas dress. She never got to wear it. I'm worried that all these little lifetime milestones I'll start to meet with Aubrey will cause me to grieve Avery Kate all over again because I will constantly be reminded of everything that she did not get to do. I know I need to focus on the positive, but sometimes the grief and sadness hits me when I least expect it. I guess it's all part of the process.
I'm 30 weeks pregnant now. It's getting close! I'm excited about having a new baby in our house again; OK I'm really scared too! I am ready for Hallie to be a big sister again. She is just so sweet and she still thinks about Avery Kate. We drove by the graveyard the other day on our way to go out on the boat. Hallie asked Brandon to stop so she could see Avery Kate. Well, he couldn't stop because we were pulling a boat behind us, so he told her we couldn't. She said, "But I just wanna make sure she's OK." Tears immediately came to eyes. She is just the sweetest big sister! I can't wait for Aubrey to get here so she can experience the love that Hallie has to give her.
I'm also ready to not be pregnant anymore. I know it sounds strange, but I feel like every stranger I see feels the need to ask, "Oh, this is your first baby?" I try to just smile and say, "No it's my third," but they don't stop! Maybe we are too friendly in Louisiana?? They want to know girl or boy, what I have at home, etc. They're strangers who I will never see again, so I just stick with the whole, I have two girls and I'm pregnant for another girl.You would think that's enough right? NOPE! I'm serious, these people want all the details! I know they're just being sweet, but come on now. Then they ask, "How does your husband feel about three girls in the house?" or "How old are the girls?" or "Three girls huh? WOW! So you'll be trying for that boy next?" I refuse to leave out Avery Kate and maybe I'm just sensitive to it right now, but since when do people need so many details about a complete stranger's pregnancy?
I'm looking forward to these next ten weeks. I'll have an awesome class, wonderful co-workers, and a new baby. What's not to be excited about? Here's to a new school year, and a fresh start! I can't wait!