On November 9, it made one whole year that Avery Kate has been gone from this earth; 365 days without my sweet baby girl. Sometimes it feels like it was all a horrible nightmare. I'm glad it wasn't a dream though. I'm glad I got to know her, love her, and spend every single day with her. I was blessed to have her in my life.
Last week was pretty tough. I had mentally prepared myself for that week for a good while leading up to it...or so I had thought. Once Wednesday hit, I was a mess. Last year, the 9th was on a Wednesday. We had gone to a friends to watch to the LSU vs Alabama game the Saturday prior to her passing. Well, we did the same thing this year. We watched the LSU vs. Alabama game on Saturday with all of our friends, and as Wednesday approached me, I began to have the worst anxiety. It was too identical to last year and I didn't handle it very well. On Wednesday I sat in the living room and stared at the clock. I went over every single detail in my head of that horrible, awful day. Each minute that passed I remembered what I was doing at that time. My stomach was in knots as those flashbacks entered my head. I held Aubrey tightly and prayed she would not leave me too. As I watched the time hit 11:00 (the time I got the phone call last year) I noticed a beautiful, bright yellow butterfly fluttering outside my window. It only stayed long enough to cause a small grin to come across my face. On Thursday, I did the same thing. I sat in the living room and watched the clock. I don't know why I did that to myself, but I couldn't help it. I imagined what Honey and Pops were going through on that day, performing CPR, calling 911, and I just can't imagine what that must have been like for them. Then, around 11:00 again, another butterfly came to my window and fluttered around. This one was orange, but still beautiful! It stayed a while and I just watched it with tears pouring down my face. Terri happened to have called during this "moment" I was going through and she drove all the way here just to give me a hug. I sure did need that.
I wanted to go to Honey and Pops and visit with them last week, but I just couldn't. I couldn't physically drive up to their house and carry Aubrey into their house. I just wasn't ready yet, I will be, but last week was not the week. When I am ready, it will be one of the toughest things I will have to do, but I know I can do it. I definitely won't be able to bring her anywhere else that's for sure! I trust Honey and Pops, they are now our family. I'm so happy they've agreed to keep Aubrey when I go back to work. But, like I said, just not yet.
On Friday I decided that I was not going to watch the clock. I was getting out of the house! I brought Hallie to her babysitter, and I was doing so well! I hadn't even shed a tear. Hallie had plans to sleep at my mom's in New Iberia that night, so when I dropped her off at Mrs. Kathy's I reminded her that she was going there when I picked her up. She asked if Aubrey could go with her. I told her that Aubrey wasn't big enough yet. She started crying and said, "But Avery Kate came with me last time!" And then came my tears, behind my sunglasses of course. Her memory is absolutely amazing!
My friend Teri invited me to have lunch with her and I was so happy to have something to do and keep my mind busy. As I was getting ready, I told myself that I wouldn't look at any clock until after 11:18 (time of death).Well, Brandon called me at exactly 11:18 and my heart just sank to see that time on my phone, and on that day. In my mind I just heard, "Time of death, 11:18." I just imagined that happening in the ER with my poor innocent Avery Kate lying there on the table. Teri and I had lunch (with Aubrey of course) and then I made my way to the graveyard. I remembered my poor brothers lowering Avery Kate into the ground. I remembered the looks on their faces. I remembered the pain I felt, a pain that some people never experience in their entire lifetime.
How is it that an entire year has passed and I still remember every single detail of that day? I can barely remember what I did yesterday. I will always cherish those memories I have of her, but I HATE remembering that day. Every memory I have of November 9, 2011 puts a huge lump in my throat and knots in my stomach.
We all went to New Iberia to drop off Hallie at my mom's and then headed to Youngsville to spend the night at my dad and Terri's house. We had a nice family dinner and just enjoyed each other's company. But we missed Hallie!! It was a nice ending to such an anxiety filled week for me. I was glad it was over.
I wonder if every year will be this way? Will this anxiety feeling ever go away? Will my memories of that day fade? Will I ever be able to rest and know that this will not happen to Aubrey? Will she sleep on side of my bed until she's 18? I already think I'm getting better :) But, I do wish we could skip November 9 every year. That would be nice.
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