Aubrey's first day at Honey and Pops was set for Thursday, January 3. I had been mentally preparing for that day then she was born. Honey texted me that week and asked if I could bring her Wednesday instead so she could have her by herself and just get comfortable with things before the other babies came back. It was soooo hard! I cried the entire morning but managed to keep it together when I dropped her off. It was really hard. Luckily I had a doctors appointment so I didn't have to go home alone. When I left there I picked up lunch and realized that I could not go home. I had never been there without Aubrey and I my heart was hurting too badly to be able to handle being home alone. So I went to Heather's and stayed there until it was time to pick up Aubrey.
As I drove up to pick her up, I just thought, "I did it!" I was so proud of myself! But when I walked out of their house holding my sweet baby, it hit me. I never got to do this that last day with Avery Kate. I dropped her off and never got to pick her up again. I cried the entire way home. I would have never thought that picking her up would be the hard part! Sometimes it just hits me when I least expect it.
Thursday was a little easier dropping her off. I had done it the day before and I was ok. I went home to finish studying and testing for my new job. I absolutely hated it. I hated seeing her mamaRoo-empty. I hated seeing her bottles and seeing all of her things and not seeing her. I felt just like that night when I walked into our house without Avery Kate. All of her things were there, but she was not. It was so hard to study and focus on my work! I'm not even sure if I learned anything that day.
Finally I had had enough of the silence so I called Brandon's sister to come change out Avery Kate's flowers with me. We took her Christmas tree down and put her some pretty, happy flowers. I knew I couldn't leave town with her grave not taken care of. Then I went to pick up Aubrey. It was hard again, but I made it. I told Honey that she was never allowed to call me if Aubrey was with her. My heart cannot handle seeing that number on my phone if my baby is there. It's just too many memories and flashbacks. Of course she agreed. I know it's hard for them too. It's really not easy to leave her at all, but it's something I had to do. I can't put her in a bubble forever can I? I sure wish I could sometimes.
Well I made it past another hurdle during this journey we call life. There will be many more, but I have faith that I can make it. We don't have to be strong throughout every day, we just have to trust that God will be there every step of the way.