We've been in school for two full weeks now and I absolutely love my class! Going to school each day is something I look forward to. I enjoy being with the people I work with and I don't feel like I'm surrounded by the memories of "that day."
On the other hand, since I started teaching, I've started contracting just about every 2-3 minutes non-stop! I have 7 weeks left so this is waaay too early. The doctor says it's OK so I'm trusting I'll make it a few more weeks. I'm also getting really nervous! As much as I can't wait to meet Aubrey, I am scared. I don't know what I'm really scared of though. Is it because I don't know how I will react when she is born? Or maybe I'm scared I won't be able to sleep or take my eyes off her? Perhaps I'm scared it will bring back all those emotions and grief of Avery Kate? It may be all of those things too. I just know right now I'm good. Aubrey is in my tummy, safe and sound. Her room is looking so happy and cheerful. I just think I'd like to keep her in my stomach forever; as uncomfortable as it may be! But the reality is, she will be coming out soon, and I don't know what to expect.
I got Aubrey's canvas in this week. Brandon propped it up on her bed and I went in to see it. It was so hard to see that name on the wall. All those memories of the day I got Avery Kate's canvas came rushing back to me. I felt that same excitement to see the finishing touches to Avery Kate's room as I was feeling when I saw Aubrey's canvas. I think that's what upsets me the most. I had all these wonderful, happy feelings while preparing to meet Avery Kate just to have them all ripped from heart. My heart is scared to feel that way again. I know I need to, but it's just so hard. The reality really hit me after seeing Aubrey's name on the wall. This is Aubrey's room. It's not Avery Kate's room. I still cry just thinking about it. But on a positive note, Aubrey's room is just about done and I absolutely love it! I've changed it around just enough to remove the sadness and bring joy to the room. I am very pleased. (Pictures to come soon)
I also realize these next few weeks coming up are going to be really tough. It's even harder on me because of the deja vu factor. I'm pregnant, preparing for a new baby, preparing my class for a transition, etc. I remember exactly what I was doing on these days last year. But again, reality sets in and I have to realize that this is a new year and a different baby. I'm really nervous about Saturday though. It's her birthday and she is not here. I have no party invitations, no first birthday smash cake, no birthday outfit, no birthday girl. We will go out to eat with our family and have a special celebration for her, but it's not the same. This morning I was braiding Hallie's hair for church and she put on her locket with Avery Kate's pictures inside. She said, "I miss her so much." I said, "Hallie, did you know her birthday is on Saturday?" Her words of response absolutely break my heart. She said, "Oh I'm so excited! I'm gonna go to her birthday party and give her a big, sweet hug!" Luckily I was behind her still braiding her hair, so she couldn't see my face. Tears immediately started falling down my cheeks. I told her that Avery Kate would be spending her birthday with Jesus in Heaven and she was just so lucky to be able to do that. I couldn't let her know that in my heart, I thought that it sucked pretty bad that she can't be with us. The more I tell myself how lucky she is to be there in Heaven and it's just us on earth who are sad, the sooner I will truly start to believe it. Right now, to me, it sucks. I don't want this weekend to come. My heart is so tender right now with the anticipation of it coming. It's just not fair that Avery Kate is not here with us on her birthday. I've stayed so positive these past few months, and I've really done well, but right now I am falling apart. I just want my baby girl.
I'm going to try to stay as busy as possible this week and surround myself with positive energy. I'm going to pray every night that God will be with us and help us through this. He hasn't failed me, so I know I can trust that if he's bringing me to it, he'll bring me through it!
Brandi- Thinking about your family and Avery Kate this week. We went ahead and had ballons and a cupcake as my daughter insisted that we have a party for Perry. I had friends over with their daughter, my mom, and my niece. At the end we all released balloons and I let the other family take home balloons so their daughter could release some for their youngest who is also in heaven. My husband didn't want a party so this was all done before he got home- my DD and DH have very different mourning styles.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.