Life with three children has kept us pretty busy these last few months. Evie is now 8 months old. Yes, 8 months already. I can't even believe how quickly life has flown by lately. If the saying, "Time flies when you're having fun" is indeed true, then we must be having some fun!
The beginning months with Evie were pretty similar to those first few months with Aubrey. I was full of fear and constantly worried that something was going to happen to her. I tried my best to walk by faith, not by sight, but sometimes that is just easier said than done. I spent many nights staring at the blinking lights of her apnea monitor, watching the light blink with each breath and another blinking light with each beat of her heart. I fell asleep to those lights many nights, and on the flip side, I was also awoken by the monitor's ear-piercing alarm many times. I don't think my heart will ever be the same after those middle of the night alerts. No matter how many precautions I took with Evie, deep down I knew nothing I could do would ever protect her completely. It's funny how we think we are in charge of our lives sometimes, when in reality, we control nothing. I think that's one of the toughest lessons of parenthood.
These past few weeks have been extremely monumental for us. Evie has been staying with Honey and Pops since I went back to work in January. Bringing her there brought back so many memories of the days that I brought Avery Kate there, especially that last morning. I had that flashback every single morning when I walked out of their house. But I knew that I was leaving Evie in the best hands, and once again, I'm not the one in charge. She spent five months there and it felt really good to see them on a daily basis. It was just good for my soul! When I dropped Evie off there for her last day, I cried off and on the entire day. I just didn't realize how tough it would be. Picking her up was even tougher. We will still continue to visit Honey and Pops often, but having Evie there somehow made me feel just a little bit closer to Avery Kate. They were the last faces she saw, the last voices she heard, and the last arms she was held in. They just mean the world to me, and I am so blessed and thankful they agreed to keep Evie for us. But all good things must come to an end. Evie is now at Mrs. Kathy's with Aubrey. She's only been there for a week now, but I think she's adjusting well. I know Aubrey is loving that she can be there with her and be the big sister without Hallie taking over. (Hallie goes to the summer care at her school)
The next big step I knew I had to take was discontinuing the apnea monitor. I didn't remember how long I left Aubrey on hers, and honestly I didn't want to know because I was trying not to compare the two situations. Even though they were both my rainbow babies, I couldn't compare my grief and my fears. Four years had passed between the two, and even though my grief had progressed tremendously, I was still terrified. One night, when Evie was exactly eight months old, we decided to just rip off the Band-Aid. We put her to sleep that night without the monitor, and knew there was no turning back. I woke up probably 50 times throughout the night and checked on her. She's still sleeping next to our bed at night, so needless to say, that first week without the monitor wore me out. I hardly slept. It was like I had a crying newborn baby at home, when in reality, I just had a super quiet eight month old who actually "slept like a baby" right next to me. I'm learning to embrace the change...slowly, but surely. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for listening to my heart and not setting expectations on myself to move through these small milestones.
I know my next step will be to put Evie in her own room. Well, I'll just say that I don't see that happening any time soon, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Baby steps. Baby steps.
All in all, adjusting to life with three little girls has been pretty pleasant. Sometimes life gets stressful and we might hit a few bumps in the road here and there, but that's what makes this journey unique. And that's what makes this journey ours. Every day we will continue to walk along this journey of life with our little angel alongside us. Some days are tough; some days are easy. But this is the life we were chosen to live and we are taking it one step at a time.