For the most part, I feel like I've held myself together and walked each step of my post-SIDS journey learning something new about myself and my family. Some days are great, and others are pretty rough. This past week has been extra tough and I felt myself swallowing harder and harder as the week progressed. Sometimes I don't necessarily know what triggers these feelings of sadness, but it became pretty clear last night as I scrolled mindlessly through my Facebook newsfeed. School has begun in a few nearby cities and of course everyone is posting their obligatory first day of school photos. It gets me every year. Every. Single. Year. I realize I'll have one less photo than I should on my post next week. I look at all the little girls with grins from ear to ear, crisp new uniforms, white socks, squeaky clean shoes, shiny new backpacks, and of course that school bow clipped onto those ponytails. And I can't help but wonder what Avery Kate would have looked like on her first day. Would she have picked a gaudy sparkly backpack like Aubrey? Or would she have picked a more mature, plain backpack like Hallie? Maybe a flower pattern of some sort? Honestly, I have been wiping tears from my face since I started typing. I think when school starts each year, it just reminds me of yet another milestone that my baby has missed. I enjoy watching her grow up through other children her age, but sometimes it feels like a punch in the gut! Avery Kate would be in the first grade this year. I see other first graders and I see my last photos of Avery Kate and I can't even imagine her being old enough to go to school. The last time I saw her, she was my sweet two-month old baby girl. When I think about her, I'm thinking of that baby, when in reality she's almost 7 years old! I think that's where a lot of my grief originates. I grieve for her, and I miss her sounds and her smell. But I grieve the "what should have been" moments a lot too. I grieve the things I wanted to do with her. I grieve the vacations with all my children, all four of my children. I grieve the fights she would've had with her sisters. I grieve the sassiness she may have brought to our lives. For me, grieving isn't just about me missing her physical presence, but it's everything else that comes along with her absence in our lives. I also feel that grief is portrayed as something we are supposed to overcome. But it's not. It's a process. And for anyone who has lost a child, grief is also the realization that our lives will never be the same again. I still enjoy life and have fun, but she is always on my mind.
I've posted numerous photos this summer of our family enjoying the hell out of life! Brandon and I went on an adult only trip to Punta Cana with 8 other couples. We had a blast! When we checked into our room, there was a picture of white feathers hanging above our bed. Our little girl is always finding a way to send us our feather winks. Since Brandon's birthday and my birthday are only two days apart we had a foam pool party to celebrate. It was really cool! We took the kids to the Woodlands Resort in Texas with other family members and just relaxed and enjoyed the sunshine. We've also attended a few other events and fundraisers that allowed us to let loose and cut a rug. Anyone who knows me, knows I love to take pictures and my Facebook page has been a true testament to that. It's been picture overload!
It wasn't until this morning that someone told me she wished she had my glamourous life; I look like I have so much fun all the time. Little did she know about the lump in my throat that I had been struggling to swallow since Tuesday. But of course, I put my cheerleader smile on and said, "Oh girl! We only get one chance at life. Do it right!" And I mean that, I truly do, but it made me realize that I haven't written on my blog in over a year. I've let all sorts of feelings and emotions hide inside of me. There are so many people out there who are dealing with these same feelings and think they're alone. No one posts photos of themselves during their weakest moments, or their darkest hours; I know I don't. I don't want pity. I don't want anyone knowing my weaknesses. But I also think we have to support one another and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. I'm not perfect. I have good days and I have bad days. We're all human just trying to make it through life; one step at a time. We all carry different crosses, mine just happens to be the loss of a child.
I always feel like a huge weight is lifted from my chest when I write on this blog, and today I realized just how therapeutic it is for me. While I may not post photos of myself crying, comforting my other children, or even checking Evie's video monitor in the middle of the night, I will post about my thoughts and feelings more often. Even if I can help one mom to know she's not alone on her journey, then I've succeeded.
I challenge all of you to see past the rainbows and butterflies and remember that Facebook is just for fun. Real life doesn't have a filter, but it's the life we were given, and what we do with it from here on out is truly what counts.
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