I'm now 11 weeks pregnant and we have made the decision not to tell Hallie yet. Once we know the sex of the baby and have a name picked out we will tell her. It just seems to make the most sense that way. She will know its not Avery Kate for sure if we have another name to distinguish the two babies. We want her to know that this baby is different and although as much as we'd love it, Avery Kate is not coming back to us.
Well I went to the doctor and I keep losing weight. Well that's no surprise! I can't keep a thing in my stomach. With that being said, my stomach does not look like a baby bump yet. Hallie took a bath with me last night and out of nowhere she looked at me and asked, "Mom, you have a baby in your belly?" I was at a loss for words! "No, baby I don't." "Oh, then what's in there?" she asked. I was in shock! I quickly put bubbles in the tub to change the subject! Even though Brandon and I talk about pregnancy in front of her, we have never said the words, "baby in my belly." I just could not believe that she asked me that.
I'm so anxious to find out the sex of this baby. I just can't stand not knowing what my future has in store. I know especially now that I will never truly know what my future has in store for me, but the sex of this baby means everything this time around. If it is a boy, then I have to remove everything from her room. Everything! No more bows, no more pink, no more sharing Hallie's hand-me-downs. It means emptying out the closet, the drawers, everything! And then I'll have to decide what to do with it all. I couldn't bare to see those clothes on another baby knowing Avery Kate should be wearing them, but I surely wouldn't just let them rot in the attic. If it's a girl then I have to rearrange the room and go through all the clothes deciding which clothes I can use again and which clothes would be too hurtful to see worn again. I don't want to be constantly thinking about everything Avery Kate missed out on. I want this baby to be its own self. It's just not fair for the baby to live in "Avery Kate's shadow." I realize I'll grieve her all over again once this baby is born but I want to be excited about this baby. It's only fair to the baby to be excited rather than scared. I'm sure these emotions are normal, only amplified with pregnancy hormones!
Believe me when I say I'm praying for a healthy baby. That's the most important thing right now. Nothing is in our control, but the good news is that it's ALL in God's control! He's never guided us in the wrong direction before. He's also never given us anything we couldn't handle. Sometimes I wish I wasn't strong enough to handle the death of my own child, then it may not have happened to us. But I do believe that He was there every step of the way with us. I know He will continue to be with us and help us to make the best decisions for our family along the way. After all, Science has failed us. God is the only one who will always come through, especially when we need it the most.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Business or Pleasure?
Our school has been participating in a process called The Leader in Me. There are seven habits of happy kids that we have been teaching our kids and integrating into our curriculum. The past couple of weeks have been really difficult for me being sick and having to be at school every day. I've done it with no problems two times before, but this time is very different and emotional for me. Well as I was teaching the habit 1:Be Proactive to my class I had to stop and think. I'm teaching these kids to be in charge of their own actions, to create their own weather, and choose their own attitudes and moods and what am I doing? It was at that moment that I realized that I too had the choice of how I was going to live each day. Even though I have had a really tough couple of months, it could be a whole lot worse. I knew I had the choice to have a good day or bad day. I choose for every day to be a good day now. One thing I have learned throughout all of this is that our future is not promised to us. We should make the best of each day. Even if I spend that day throwing up and feeling yucky, I know it's up to me to make it a good day. So when my coworkers see me looking my absolute worst, I always have a smile to give them.
A few of our teachers attended the Leader in Me symposium on Friday. We heard the most inspiring speaker, Muriel Summers. She was so fresh, real, and uplifting. I know it was all related to teaching, but to me it was much more. She inspired me to "move past" the hard times and focus on the positive in my life. I know I was put there in that room for a reason. Not only did she open my mind, but she opened my heart as well. I needed that!
On another good note, Hallie has been taking extra good care of her baby dolls lately. Well today when I saw her picking up her baby I asked her if she remembered Avery Kate. She told me no which I knew was not the truth. I asked her if she remembered her crying. She looked at me and said, "Mom, Avery Kate doesn't cry. She just laughs all the time now." I was speechless. I know she has to see her sister and I know she talks to her. I'm a little jealous that she has that ability and I don't. I do love that they still have that bond though. Brandon and I can hear her every night just talking and singing away. It makes my heart smile.
A few of our teachers attended the Leader in Me symposium on Friday. We heard the most inspiring speaker, Muriel Summers. She was so fresh, real, and uplifting. I know it was all related to teaching, but to me it was much more. She inspired me to "move past" the hard times and focus on the positive in my life. I know I was put there in that room for a reason. Not only did she open my mind, but she opened my heart as well. I needed that!
On another good note, Hallie has been taking extra good care of her baby dolls lately. Well today when I saw her picking up her baby I asked her if she remembered Avery Kate. She told me no which I knew was not the truth. I asked her if she remembered her crying. She looked at me and said, "Mom, Avery Kate doesn't cry. She just laughs all the time now." I was speechless. I know she has to see her sister and I know she talks to her. I'm a little jealous that she has that ability and I don't. I do love that they still have that bond though. Brandon and I can hear her every night just talking and singing away. It makes my heart smile.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Still not easier....not even a little
March 9, 2012. It's been four months today. It's no easier. My heart doesn't hurt any less. If anything, it hurts more. I've heard a new quote that I have to say hits the nail right on the head for me. "Time does not heal our wounds. It just helps us learn better ways to cope." I couldn't have said it better myself. The time keeps passing, the ninth rolls around again, and my heart continues to ache. I just miss her smile, her smell, but most of all, her warmth in my arms. Those are things that pictures can't even bring back. I often smell her when I least expect it; just out of the blue I'll get a whiff of her. I know she's with me, and it makes me smile. Every day at school I seem to look at the clock right when it hits 11:11. I always stop for a quick second and blow her a little kiss to Heaven because I know she is thinking of me too.
Well this pregnancy seems to be getting harder and harder, but as I said before...bring it on! I'm not worried about this little bean, because I know if I'm sick as a dog, then he/she is just growing and developing. This is my third time around with this sickness thing; I've got it under control. I may not look the best, but deep down, I am OK. A little boy at school asked me if the big rash on my face was going to heal up. Nope! It's just my ugly pregnant face, sweetie! Oh, kids will always make me laugh with their complete honesty.
I had to go in to the hospital last week to get fluids (just a normal thing for me) and I read an entire book while I sat there waiting for my body to perk up. Now I'm not a reader, but I am so curious about the place where my daughter will grow up, that I just can't know enough about Heaven. The book I read was 90 Minutes in Heaven. It was a true story of a man who died in a car crash, was dead for 90 minutes, and came back to life. He told of his experience of Heaven and how amazing it was. He also mentioned that he did not want to come back to Earth...at all. I just kept thinking... for this man to not ever look back, not even for his wife and children....this Heaven that he spoke of must be something so unbelievable. I just can't think of anything, any place, or anyone that could make me choose to leave my family. I can't even begin to imagine what a place like that must be like. He did explain it in his book, but clearly words cannot decribe such a thing. I plan to live my life in the best way I can so I can assure that my final resting place will be there, with Avery Kate. And as I lie in bed every night, trying to fight back the tears, I'm constantly reminding myself that SHE IS HAPPY. What else could a mother want for her child? Avery Kate is experiencing that happiness that I can only read about or dream of.
Well this pregnancy seems to be getting harder and harder, but as I said before...bring it on! I'm not worried about this little bean, because I know if I'm sick as a dog, then he/she is just growing and developing. This is my third time around with this sickness thing; I've got it under control. I may not look the best, but deep down, I am OK. A little boy at school asked me if the big rash on my face was going to heal up. Nope! It's just my ugly pregnant face, sweetie! Oh, kids will always make me laugh with their complete honesty.
I had to go in to the hospital last week to get fluids (just a normal thing for me) and I read an entire book while I sat there waiting for my body to perk up. Now I'm not a reader, but I am so curious about the place where my daughter will grow up, that I just can't know enough about Heaven. The book I read was 90 Minutes in Heaven. It was a true story of a man who died in a car crash, was dead for 90 minutes, and came back to life. He told of his experience of Heaven and how amazing it was. He also mentioned that he did not want to come back to Earth...at all. I just kept thinking... for this man to not ever look back, not even for his wife and children....this Heaven that he spoke of must be something so unbelievable. I just can't think of anything, any place, or anyone that could make me choose to leave my family. I can't even begin to imagine what a place like that must be like. He did explain it in his book, but clearly words cannot decribe such a thing. I plan to live my life in the best way I can so I can assure that my final resting place will be there, with Avery Kate. And as I lie in bed every night, trying to fight back the tears, I'm constantly reminding myself that SHE IS HAPPY. What else could a mother want for her child? Avery Kate is experiencing that happiness that I can only read about or dream of.
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