March 9, 2012. It's been four months today. It's no easier. My heart doesn't hurt any less. If anything, it hurts more. I've heard a new quote that I have to say hits the nail right on the head for me. "Time does not heal our wounds. It just helps us learn better ways to cope." I couldn't have said it better myself. The time keeps passing, the ninth rolls around again, and my heart continues to ache. I just miss her smile, her smell, but most of all, her warmth in my arms. Those are things that pictures can't even bring back. I often smell her when I least expect it; just out of the blue I'll get a whiff of her. I know she's with me, and it makes me smile. Every day at school I seem to look at the clock right when it hits 11:11. I always stop for a quick second and blow her a little kiss to Heaven because I know she is thinking of me too.
Well this pregnancy seems to be getting harder and harder, but as I said before...bring it on! I'm not worried about this little bean, because I know if I'm sick as a dog, then he/she is just growing and developing. This is my third time around with this sickness thing; I've got it under control. I may not look the best, but deep down, I am OK. A little boy at school asked me if the big rash on my face was going to heal up. Nope! It's just my ugly pregnant face, sweetie! Oh, kids will always make me laugh with their complete honesty.
I had to go in to the hospital last week to get fluids (just a normal thing for me) and I read an entire book while I sat there waiting for my body to perk up. Now I'm not a reader, but I am so curious about the place where my daughter will grow up, that I just can't know enough about Heaven. The book I read was 90 Minutes in Heaven. It was a true story of a man who died in a car crash, was dead for 90 minutes, and came back to life. He told of his experience of Heaven and how amazing it was. He also mentioned that he did not want to come back to Earth...at all. I just kept thinking... for this man to not ever look back, not even for his wife and children....this Heaven that he spoke of must be something so unbelievable. I just can't think of anything, any place, or anyone that could make me choose to leave my family. I can't even begin to imagine what a place like that must be like. He did explain it in his book, but clearly words cannot decribe such a thing. I plan to live my life in the best way I can so I can assure that my final resting place will be there, with Avery Kate. And as I lie in bed every night, trying to fight back the tears, I'm constantly reminding myself that SHE IS HAPPY. What else could a mother want for her child? Avery Kate is experiencing that happiness that I can only read about or dream of.
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