I'm now 11 weeks pregnant and we have made the decision not to tell Hallie yet. Once we know the sex of the baby and have a name picked out we will tell her. It just seems to make the most sense that way. She will know its not Avery Kate for sure if we have another name to distinguish the two babies. We want her to know that this baby is different and although as much as we'd love it, Avery Kate is not coming back to us.
Well I went to the doctor and I keep losing weight. Well that's no surprise! I can't keep a thing in my stomach. With that being said, my stomach does not look like a baby bump yet. Hallie took a bath with me last night and out of nowhere she looked at me and asked, "Mom, you have a baby in your belly?" I was at a loss for words! "No, baby I don't." "Oh, then what's in there?" she asked. I was in shock! I quickly put bubbles in the tub to change the subject! Even though Brandon and I talk about pregnancy in front of her, we have never said the words, "baby in my belly." I just could not believe that she asked me that.
I'm so anxious to find out the sex of this baby. I just can't stand not knowing what my future has in store. I know especially now that I will never truly know what my future has in store for me, but the sex of this baby means everything this time around. If it is a boy, then I have to remove everything from her room. Everything! No more bows, no more pink, no more sharing Hallie's hand-me-downs. It means emptying out the closet, the drawers, everything! And then I'll have to decide what to do with it all. I couldn't bare to see those clothes on another baby knowing Avery Kate should be wearing them, but I surely wouldn't just let them rot in the attic. If it's a girl then I have to rearrange the room and go through all the clothes deciding which clothes I can use again and which clothes would be too hurtful to see worn again. I don't want to be constantly thinking about everything Avery Kate missed out on. I want this baby to be its own self. It's just not fair for the baby to live in "Avery Kate's shadow." I realize I'll grieve her all over again once this baby is born but I want to be excited about this baby. It's only fair to the baby to be excited rather than scared. I'm sure these emotions are normal, only amplified with pregnancy hormones!
Believe me when I say I'm praying for a healthy baby. That's the most important thing right now. Nothing is in our control, but the good news is that it's ALL in God's control! He's never guided us in the wrong direction before. He's also never given us anything we couldn't handle. Sometimes I wish I wasn't strong enough to handle the death of my own child, then it may not have happened to us. But I do believe that He was there every step of the way with us. I know He will continue to be with us and help us to make the best decisions for our family along the way. After all, Science has failed us. God is the only one who will always come through, especially when we need it the most.