Well last week I really hit rock bottom with this sickness thing. I went 4 days with no food or water. I think I had one icee that stayed down during that time period, but nothing else. So Tuesday night I went in to get fluids. My nurse asked me the most anticipated question of the night as usual, "What pregnancy is this? And how many living?" Usually they leave it at that, but she asked, "So you had a miscarriage?" I swallowed the huge lump that had formed in my throat and said, "Umm no ma'm, my baby died of SIDS." She stopped everything. Then she began to share her story with me. She had lost her baby to SIDS 23 years ago. I was curious if it would ever get easier. Then I saw her tears begin to flow. She quickly said that she normally doesn't talk about that and left the room. I felt blessed that she was able to share her story with me. I also felt a little more at ease to know that she was a nurse at the time her son passed and she could do nothing. SIDS cannot be prevented. It's just in God's plan. Those painful tears of hers also touched me to know that in the years to come, I will still feel that strong love I have for Avery Kate today.
Well I had two bags of fluids and some phenergan via IV. I was sure I would be all "juiced up" and ready to go after that. No such luck! I walked in the door and immediately started throwing up again! I had a scheduled doctor appointment for the next morning at 8:15 so I knew my doctor would take care of me then. He took one look at me and sent me to be admitted for a few days. I couldn't believe I was going to have to miss state testing at school. It is such a big deal and I felt like my kids needed me to be there for them. Although, in the shape I was in, there wouldn't have been much good to give had I had gone to school. I knew deep down that I had a baby to take care of too.
My body is a lot weaker this time around. I just went through this last year and my body hasn't had time to recover. My body is still full of grief and emotion. I'm just not strong enough to fight back like I usually could. It's just not easy.
We had an official ultrasound done and tried to tell whether this baby is going to be a boy or a girl. Many people don't realize the importance to me. It does not matter whether I give birth to a boy or a girl, but knowing is what matters. We still haven't told Hallie (even though that smart little thing is figuring it out). We need to tell her the baby's name and distinguish that this baby is not Avery Kate, but baby so and so. I am just itching to share this experience with her like she deserves. I also need to start going through Avery Kate's room. Am I going to pack everything up or reuse some of the things. I need to paint the room regardless of the sex; I need to make it different for the new baby. But the color depends on the sex of course. I just feel like I'm at a standstill in moving forward until we know. It's not just me being the anxious planner that I am, it's a whole lot more than that. I just have to know. But, I keep trying to remind myself that good things come to those who wait. Well.. I'm waiting!! And of course I will update once we find out.
Brandon went on an ACTS retreat this past weekend. Hallie and I dropped him off in front of our old church and told him goodbye. I was sad that I'd have no contact with him the entire 4 days of the retreat, but it was Hallie that wouldn't stop crying. As I drove her home she began to ask questions through her cries for her daddy. "Where's my daddy?" so I told her he was going with the priest and we would see him again at church on Sunday. "Is he gonna lay down?" I pepped up my voice as best I could and told her of course he was going to lay down! He was going to have a slumber party and have so much fun. Then she lost it. "I don't want daddy to lay down at church like Paw Paw and Avery Kate." Poor Hallie could hardly breathe she was crying so hard. I stopped the car and looked at her in the eyes. "Baby, daddy is coming home. He will get in the car with us. He's going to talk to you and hug you. He is ok and he is coming home." My heart was absolutely broken. My poor child! Then it got worse. "He's gonna bring Avery Kate with him, mom?" I had to take a deep breath at that moment and do my best to answer her. "No Hallie, Avery Kate can't come back, but daddy IS coming home to us." My sweet innocent child then answered, "Ok mom, when she gets older she will come back." How do you explain that to a 2 year old?
The whole weekend I did my best, along with the help of my dad, Terri, and Brandon's mom to keep her occupied and happy. She did cry for Brandon a few times, but we assured her that he would be walking and talking the next time we saw him. It literally felt like the longest few days of my life. But once again, we have to be patient. It all ended up being just fine, just as I knew it would be. I just think it's so sad that Hallie even had those thoughts go through her head. She is so young! I pray that my baby can only remember the good things about her Paw Paw and her sister. I also pray that this experience has not changed her in a negative way. I trust that God will take care of her though, like he always has :)
It's not easy being patient. I know everything will happen the way it's supposed to. I vow to be patient... Well at least for today :)
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