April 24, 2012.
I waited patiently alllll day long for my doctor's appointment at 4:15 that afternoon. I was having an ultrasound and was determined to find out the sex of our baby. I sat down in the waiting room when Brandon walked in and sat next to me. "I got the death certificate," he said. Chills went through my body and I felt numb. I didn't even know what to say, I just knew I wanted to see it. I needed that closure and to see the official cause of death. I also thought that somehow the exact time of her death would be on the certificate. I don't know how I expected them to know the exact moment she took her last breath, but I needed that to be on it. Of course Brandon didn't have the certificate with him in the doctor's office, so that's all I could think of my entire appointment. I went in and saw the doctor and saw our little bean growing and moving around, moving around in a way that of course caused the legs to cross and block our view of the "goods." I wasn't very disappointed though because I felt like we had received a huge piece of information that day, and it just wasn't the right day for our baby's sex to be revealed. When we got home I sat down in our bedroom and opened up the death certificate. I had never even seen one before, and here I sit looking at my own child's name on this piece of paper. Time of death: 11:18. It really upset me. That's when we were sitting in the hospital, not the time she died. Realistically I knew that was the time they knew there was nothing more they could do for her, but I just wanted to know what time she took her last breath. They always figure that stuff out on TV, why couldn't they do it now? I guess I just start to think every day around 10:15 what if it was this moment that she stopped breathing? What was I doing? Was she with me? Did she immediately see me and hold my hand through it all? I think about her every day from about 10:15 until 11:30. I guess I always will. Then there was the worst part of all: Cause of Death. PROBABLE SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME. That one word in there just hurts my heart, probable. So you mean that's probably it? I'm OK with the SIDS thing, but probable? Why did that word have to be added? I looked over every detail of the certificate a few times and then put it away, for good. I honestly don't ever want to see something like that again. I'm glad the wait is over. It's been almost six months of us waiting for a true cause of death, and now we finally have one, kind of. It does ease my mind to know that she did not choke on her spit up, she did not smother in her blanket, she did not have some sort of heart defect, and she did not have anything wrong with her brain. They ran tests for all sorts of things all this time, and nothing was wrong with her. It's comforting to know that nothing we did caused this and that we could have done nothing more to prevent it from happening. On the other hand, that scares me! How do I know it won't happen to our next baby? I know this is just one of those things that I have to give to God. I will trust in him. After all, we are in control of nothing in our lives. He will take care of us, just as he always has.