May 3, 2012.
I anxiously awaited my doctor's appointment today more than most others. I knew for sure he would tell me the sex of the baby. This to me was not just about finding out boy or girl, it was much more to me than that. Every day I walk into Avery Kate's room just wondering what it would become. Would I reuse the bedding? Would I reuse any of the clothes? What would the future of this room hold? I didn't know if I'd have to change it completely for a baby boy, or keep some things the same for a baby girl. I felt like I was ready to move forward with going through her things, but I just couldn't do that without knowing if I was going to have a boy or a girl. Brandon and I also really wanted to tell Hallie. She came and sat with me in Avery Kate's room just a few days before and said, "Mom, God's going to bring me a baby sister, and I'm going to say, 'Thank you!'" I was in shock. Every single person has told me I would have a boy, so I felt really bad for Hallie for even thinking that God might bring her another sister. I thought there had to be some truth behind everyone telling me I'd have a baby boy, so I quickly explained to Hallie that one day God would give me a baby in my tummy, but it just might be a baby brother. She completely dismissed that theory! Anyways, so here I sit just anxious as could be, causing my blood pressure to go up and all, waiting for the big reveal. Well you will never guess it! It crossed it's legs again! Not only that, but the umbilical cord was passing right through the middle of those little legs. I was completely devastated! I held it together while we were at the doctor, but I fell apart in the car. I just couldn't go any longer not knowing what my future was bringing. I deactivated my facebook because I didn't want to set myself up for any more upsets. I know that with any other circumstance it would be pretty darn funny to try to find out the sex four weeks in a row with no luck. But this was not the case for me. I didn't care if it was a boy or a girl in there, but I just had no know which one it was. I could not go into that baby room one more time without being able to do something. I was at a standstill in my grieving process and I was not OK.
I texted my doctor that night asking if there was any possible way he could get me in with his ultrasound tech the next morning. He texted me back the next morning saying that she was completely booked but I could go to a place called A Moment in Time here in town. I did not even know that place existed! I called at 8:00 that morning only to hear that they were also booked. Then the begging started. I was not taking "No" for an answer. I told her that I was not interested in all the fancy stuff they had to offer, I was not bringing my entire family to see the baby move around, I didn't need to hear the heartbeat, I didn't need a picture of the baby or any cutsie stuff, I needed to know boy or girl and be on my way. Clearly that wouldn't take but 3-5 minutes and I was just sure they could fit me in. And she did! I left school at 12:45 and nervously walked to my car. I looked down and saw three red lines painted on the cement. For Hallie and Avery Kate's ultrasounds that's exactly what we saw, three lines. I knew that was a sign, but I had to ignore it. After all everyone was insisting that I was having a boy.
I drove up to the place and looked up at the pictures of Avery Kate and Paw Paw that I had clipped to my sun visor in my car. "OK y'all. Hold my hand through this and help me to be accepting no matter what." After all, it truly does not matter, but my heart was going to hurt either way. I took a deep breath and Brandon and I went in together. I got on the table and just watched as the ultrasound tech searched for the perfect view of the baby. She paused the screen and zoomed in. She pointed her little arrow at the baby and began to type. She never said a word. I saw those three lines, but still wasn't positive of what it was. I held my breath! She slowly typed, I....T....'....S.......A......G......I exhaled and grabbed Brandon's hand as the tears began to fall down my cheeks. It was at that exact moment that I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders. I actually felt it! I finally knew. I knew that my heart wanted another baby girl so badly, but I didn't think I'd be so lucky as to have another one. Then I remembered my Paw Paw. He had three daughters and loved it! I knew he had a huge part in this. I am so thankful that God has blessed us with another baby and that Hallie will have another baby sister. She will have a sister to watch over her and a sister to play with every day. What more could I ask for? I guess Hallie knew all along didn't she?
I'm now the mother of three girls. WOW! This big reveal has brought out some other thoughts and feelings though. I will never have a picture with my entire family in it. This baby girl will never meet Avery Kate on this earth. I'll never get to see my three girls playing together in the backyard. It just sort of made everything real for me. I had really never thought of any of those things before now. Avery Kate will always be a part of our lives no matter what, but I just wish that this new baby could know her like we did. It's really hard to swallow. I know everything will be OK, it always is. I just need for all of this to sink in.