Avery Kate

Avery Kate was a healthy ten week old baby girl who went to sleep for a nap and woke up in Heaven. We miss her every second of every day. SIDS became a reality in our family and we will never forget our beautiful baby girl.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Winks from Heaven

It's now been six months that I've been without my baby and it is still so hard. The one thing that has helped is the huge weight that was lifted from my shoulders when we found out we were having another girl. I felt like I was ready to start going through Avery Kate's things but every time I go into her room to do so, I end up having a breakdown and nothing really gets done. But just the idea of knowing what I will do with her room and what the future will bring (somewhat) has helped me. Hallie found me in Avery Kate's room the other day and was absolutely heartbroken to see me so upset. "You miss Avery Kate, Mom?" she asked. I nodded my head with tears just pouring from my eyes. "She's in Heaven, so you can't cry for her in Heaven OK? She's happy in Heaven, Mom, so you can't cry for her," she said as she wiped the tears from my face. It was in that moment that I knew she was right. She's not even three years old yet, and she is giving me advice! Really good advice at that!! I love that little girl.
Well, Mother's Day was last weekend and it was a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be. I never even considered the fact that it would upset me. I had such a tender heart all day long. I received the sweetest cards from Hallie and Brandon. Brandon included Avery Kate in his card and it just touched my heart. I am still her mother and will always be her mother no matter what. I just wish I could do things for her that I am able to do for Hallie. The only thing I can do for her now is pray to her or clean and decorate her grave. That's just not enough and it was just an all around tough day. I was able to spend the day with my family and of course Hallie brought my spirits up, but I had Avery Kate on my mind all day long.
Avery Kate was given a beautiful silver bracelet for her baptism and I wanted Hallie to wear it to church for Mother's Day. I had been looking for that bracelet for a few months now and could not find it anywhere. It really upset me, because it was really special. On Mother's Day night Brandon and I put Hallie to bed just like we always do. Now she still sleeps in a crib, because she has never tried to climb out and I'd like to keep her in there as long as I can! She has a little table on side of her bed with a lamp, a picture, and her sound machine. She does not sleep with a night light, so it is pitch dark in her room. Well after being asleep for about thirty minutes, she calls for Brandon. He goes in and talks to her for a bit and comes back to tell me about it. She was telling him to get a box out of her room. She didn't want it in there anymore and she asked him to take it out. She told him to look behind her lamp and he would find a box. He brought the box out to me. I was amazed to see a box that said, "There's an angel watching over you." I opened it to find Avery Kate's silver bracelet. Now I turn on her sound machine every night before she goes to bed and I have never seen that box there before. There is no way she could have seen it from her crib, and even if she could have seen it, it was dark! And why now? Why would she suddenly, in the middle of the night, need the box out of her room? I am convinced that Avery Kate told her I was looking for it and showed her the way.
I've always heard that a child is the closest thing to Heaven and I am now one hundred percent sold on that. I have learned so many things from my child these past few months simply because I've opened my eyes, ears, and heart to fully listen to what to she has to say. I know I have said it before, but I believe that God and our loved ones that have passed try to speak to us and communicate with us but we are too caught up with our busy lives to notice. I can hear Hallie in her bed at nighttime talking away. I used to think she was singing herself to sleep, and sometimes she might be. But, I know she talks to Avery Kate at night. I'm a little jealous actually.
On another note, my sickness has let up tremendously. I am now 19 weeks pregnant and only getting sick every now and then. It may just be ironic timing, but I started looking and feeling better on the day we found out this sweet baby in my tummy was a girl. I guess it was just another stress lifted from plate which helped me. Whatever it was....AMEN!! I have also started to feel her moving around in my belly. It brings back a lot of memories of being pregnant with Avery Kate. It also reminds me that this is a live baby and she will have to come out eventually. That scares me! I am terrified that this baby is going to die too and I just don't think my heart can handle that. I just want her to stay in my belly as long as possible! We are going to use Avery Kate's initials to name her in honor of her sister. Hallie is insisting on naming her Siri (like on the iPhone) but that will never happen. The other day I found Avery Kate's shirt that she wore in the hospital. Hallie took it and said, "It's so little. Hey! Maybe baby Siri can wear it, Mom!" She's something else let me tell you. Anytime I come across something of Avery Kate's that I decide to give to Hallie, she always says, "Avery Kate shares! She loves sharing with me." I just love the way that little girl thinks. We haven't decided on a name yet, but I will be sure to share it when we make our final decision.
Hallie has also finally comprehended that this baby in my tummy is not Avery Kate. It took her a while, but now she knows that she has a sister in Heaven and another one in Mommy's tummy. I was really worried about explaining this to her and now she understands. I guess that's just another weight lifted as well.
Last Friday, school was really tough. I started making the slide show for my class to remember their second grade year. Little did I know, it would not be nearly as fun or as easy as it had been every other year. I began to pull pictures from special events at the beginning of the year when I caught a glimpse of myself in the background of a picture holding Avery Kate. I noticed her little toes, and boy I sure do miss those little toesies! I immediately started to cry. And that was only the beginning. Every picture I pulled up reminded me of a school year that I choose to forget. I know it sounds terrible for me to say that, but I want to forget this year. I want to forget that spot in my classroom where I received two different phone calls that changed my life forever. The phone call about Avery Kate and the call about Paw Paw. I just so happened to be standing in the same spot for each call. I know I will remember all the love and support I received from everyone, but I don't ever want to have to relive the year with pictures and sappy songs ever again. As I went into the office to burn copies of the DVD for my students, my co-worker told me that she also found a picture of Avery Kate and me on her camera. She mentioned how my face was just beaming with happiness, then we both started to cry. It was such an emotional day. I looked at the picture once I got home, and she was right, I hadn't seen myself smile like that in a long time now. I miss those days. My life was perfect. I had everything I could have ever dreamed of. And now, no matter what I have, I will always know that something, someone is missing. I'll never again be able to say that I have everything I've ever wanted. Until I am in Heaven once again with that little sweet pea of mine, I will never feel complete. Although I do enjoy those little winks she sends me ;) I'm so thankful for those.
Overall, I am doing better, but it saddens me to know that in just a short time, Avery Kate's room will no longer be her room. That will be the biggest hurdle for me to cross, but I will do it one step at a time. I have separated some things, but haven't taken anything out of there yet. I still have her jammies and bath towel in the her hamper from the night before she died. I know many things have to be done before October, but how will I do it? Like I said baby steps, I'll know when I'm ready. I will just have to keep praying for strength. "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

This is a video of Hallie telling me about Avery Kate. She's so smart!

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