Back to Reality

The funeral was over and it was time for us to get back to reality. I still believe in many ways that I was still in absolute shock. I stayed really busy during the days that next week. We went to New Iberia to visit with Paw Paw since he wasn't able to make it to the funeral. He had just buried his best friend and now his great granddaughter. I could see the pain in his eyes. We celebrated my dad's birthday with the entire family in Youngsville. We came back to Lake Charles and I decided to donate her formula to the women's shelter and her already opened formula to the animal shelter. Terri and Auntie Pat came with me and then took me to bring Honey and Pops a plant from the funeral. Driving up there was just so tough. It was even harder knowing that I was going there empty handed and would also leave empty handed. We sat there and visited with her for a while. I have absolutely no clue what we talked about. I just sat there looking around and trying my best to fight the tears. I did really well. I also did some retail therapy that week, which did nothing for me at all. I found myself looking at baby clothes, making plans for Avery Kate to wear those adorable outfits only to remember that I couldn't buy those. My body was just naturally drawn to those cute little girlie outfits. I made a few visits to my school. The second grade was practicing for their Thanksgiving performance. I made it to the performance and even spoke to all the parents. I wanted to be sure that they knew how special their children were and to hug them tightly every chance they had. I got a massage with my mom that week, ended up being a father of one of my students, but I'm pretty sure I relaxed somewhere in there and he relieved some of my stress. Mia came to visit because she said Avery Kate made her realize that life was short and none of us are promised tomorrow.
I still had the doctor's words burned into my brain though. "Well, she's gone." I couldn't let go of those words, and it killed me to think of that moment. But for some reason I kept replaying that moment over and over again. I hated that doctor. His words were just so "Matter of Factual." So Brandon and my dad hopped in the car and went on a secret mission. I had no clue where they were going. When they came back Brandon told me that they had gone to the hospital to talk to that doctor. I don't know how he walked in that hospital! The doctor was on vacation, but the nurse called him and gave him my phone number. He called me within the hour. I told him how I felt like he was heartless and just dropped a bomb on me. He said that Avery Kate's earrings caught his eye first and he knew right away that she was a loved baby, She had a family that cared for her, and a family that was in the waiting room with plans for her first Christmas in their heads. Yep, I already had her Christmas dress hanging in her closet. He said he had it all planned out as to how he would tell us, but when I started asking a million questions, it threw him off guard. He said those words just came out. He said he will always remember that princess with the earrings. He told me he probably won't remember her name, but he will never forget that princess who was lying on his table that day. That made me feel better to know that he actually did have a heart. He even asked me what he could do differently if he is ever faced with that situation again. I told him it was the word, "well." It just made it so casual. He apologized wholeheartedly. I also asked him a few questions about when the paramedics got to her, etc. He said that Avery Kate's jaw was already stiffened when they got to her which meant she was already gone. The blood had begun to pool in her body and made little red marks all over skin, which I remember seeing. He said these were all signs that she was already gone and nothing could have been done to save her. I thanked him because talking with him just made me feel so much better. It's funny how a person's mind works, because I closed my eyes and thought of that moment very differently. Even now when I think of that moment I hear the words, "She's gone." in a loving, caring voice.
Overall, I stayed pretty strong during that week, but the night times were beginning to get tough. I would sit in my chair at night just longing for my baby girl. My arms were empty. I was broken. My heart was broken, and I knew this because I could actually feel it hurting. I would never wish this pain and emptiness on anyone. No one deserves that pain. But God chose me to bear it, and I knew he would lift me up and carry me through it.