Saturday, February 11, 2012
Even though these "what ifs" really bothered me, and most probably always will be in the back of my head for my entire life, I couldn't help but be upset with the fact that I never got to hear her call me, "mamma." When people in my life had died, I always had the comfort of closing my eyes and remembering their voices. I didn't have that with Avery Kate. She was barely learning how to "coo." it really hurt my heart that I didn't have that voice of her burned into my brain.
That Friday night I had the most amazing dream. I was in a white place; it was either white, or everything else was blocked from my view. Avery Kate was sitting on a table. She was soooo happy. She was giggling laughs like I've never heard. I have never seen someone more happy than she was... ever! I didn't see the person I was talking to, but I knew I had to bury Avery Kate the following day (in this dream) and I just kept saying, "She's fine. Look at her! She's OK. I'm taking her home with me." And the person (I'm assuming it was God) kept saying, "This is how it's supposed to be. You can't take her home with you." I just didn't understand. I kept arguing, "No, you don't understand, she's OK. I'm taking her!" It was then that Avery Kate turned and looked at me and said, "I love you Mamma." Then I woke up. I thought about everything in the dream. It made me realize that it wasn't a dream at all. I have never seen anyone so happy in my entire life. And trust me, I know happy. I worked cheerleading camps for over ten years....there are some happy girls there! Avery Kate was just gleaming!!! I knew then that she was OK and God was going to take care of her up there, and continue to take care of me down here. It's very hard for me to talk about this dream because it was like a small glimpse into Heaven for me. If she was that happy and Heaven is really that amazing, then how can I be so upset that she's there? I know I'm human and it's OK to be upset and to miss her. But knowing she is OK took a huge burden from me. Someone once told me, "Being a good parent means getting your children to Heaven." Well I feel like even though I only had ten weeks with Avery Kate, we loved her and got her baptized. She's in Heaven and that makes me know without a doubt that I was a good parent to her.