Avery Kate

Avery Kate was a healthy ten week old baby girl who went to sleep for a nap and woke up in Heaven. We miss her every second of every day. SIDS became a reality in our family and we will never forget our beautiful baby girl.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Change is a good thing... I hope!

After a wonderful weekend sharing our news with our family and friends, it was time to for Sunday mass. This wasn't our normal Sunday mass though, it would be our last church service in our church. Our new church had been built and we would never again celebrate mass here. I had such a mixed feeling of emotions. The music was beautiful and everything was just so "homey" in our little church. This is the church where Hallie and Avery Kate both had been baptized and the church where we held Avery Kate's funeral. It was really sad thinking that our new baby wouldn't be able to be baptized here too like his/her sisters. I know it's silly but I'm sentimental like that. I also thought about how neat it was that this little "sesame seed" in my tummy would be able to be at this mass for our last church service. It was just neat to think of the timing of everything.
On Monday Brandon and I stood outside the new church waiting to enter for the first time. It was the blessing and dedication of the new church. I looked at the beautiful doors and thought, "I bet Hallie will get married here." It brought the biggest smile to my face to think that we were witnessing history! Suddenly I was saddened when I remembered that Avery Kate would not be able to get married in this church; she'd never even get to attend this church. I know she is always with us in spirit, but sometimes even knowing that does not comfort me. I want her physically here.
I'm not sure if it's the passing of time that makes me miss her even more, the nervous jitters I'm getting about being in a new church, or the thought of me being pregnant with another baby that's making me so down in the dumps lately, but I'm not liking it. I used to be able to smile and laugh all day, every day. I used to be able to have fun no matter where I was and no matter what I was doing. I was always so laid back. I didn't worry or stress about things. I just lived by the motto, "I'll get to it when I get to it." And that always worked for me. Now I'm a little different, and I can't snap out of it. I am always worried about everyone! When my parents are on the interstate to come visit, I worry non-stop about them getting into an accident. I am constantly worrying that Hallie will suddenly stop breathing and it's only a matter of time before Mrs. Kathy calls to tell me. I worry that Brandon will stop breathing in his sleep and I will roll over to a cold, lifeless husband. I worry that Sadie (our dog) will pass away during the day and I'll be the one to find her lying in her bed when I get home. I am constantly worrying about a miscarriage, and even worse.... how I will be when that day comes and I have to take our baby home. I'm freaking out!! I know Avery Kate's death is still fresh, and this pregnancy is new. I'll relax soon, I hope! There are just a lot of major changes right now.
I'm also a little...OK a lot....nervous to find out the sex of this baby. I know I have to wait until May, but it just has my mind going crazy! When I was pregnant for Avery Kate, I wished she would be a boy. I called her Hayden Michael up until the day that we found out she was a girl. I always wanted a little boy and a little girl. Once she was born I just loved every minute of having two girls. I loved dressing them and putting little bows in their hair. I loved Hallie having a sister. She was so good at it, and I know she will be great again. Now if this baby ends up being a boy, I will feel so guilty. I know this baby would not even exist if it weren't for Avery Kate's passing, so I just feel like I shouldn't have a boy. And EVERYONE keeps telling me it's a boy and it really upsets me. Now if it's a girl, there is no way she will be able to wear Avery Kate's hand-me-downs. Well, most of them have her name on them (love the monogramming!) but those that don't are just so special to me. I wouldn't want people to think I'm trying to replace my baby girl. I can never replace Avery Kate. She was unique and special. No matter what I have next, boy or girl, that baby will also be unique and special. We will just wait until May and go from there.
Anyways, these have just been my thoughts these past few days. I actually feel so much better just by writing this. So maybe I will be a little less stressed for the rest of this week. With this roller coaster of emotions that's been going on lately, it would be nice to feel stress free for a while, especially since I can't have my glass of wine anymore!


  1. Hayden Michael.. hmm.. where did you get that middle name? That's all I wanna know. It's like.. when you're going you're gone. You've been through a lot in the past few months, pawtnuh. Love you and praying for you to relax and feel better. P.S. If it's a boy, you can name him Michael Michael.. and Michaelann if it's a girl. Thanks.

  2. Honestly Brandi I still feel that way after 8 years! Paisley is making 3 months tomorrow and I'm hard-pressed to lay her down at all! I stare and wake up all night even though she's sleeping! You are never the same after losing a child and your innocence is taken away :-(. God does have a plan for everything and this will, if you let Him, mold you and make you into the person He wants you to be! I wish that I could tell you something miraculous happens and that you'll suffer no more (I've lost 3 more in between my sin and this new baby). But I do know that I am a completely different person today than then and yes I wouldn't have chosen this path but I am grateful to have been "through the fire"!