Back to School

November 28. The week I planned to go back to school had already been planned out months before. I think it was God's way of planning ahead to make sure I would be ok. I had to leave at noon on Monday to go to a technology conference in New Orleans. I would be there through Wednesday, teach on Thursday, and then be out on Friday for a leadership conference. Now you know God had that planned all along to help me transition back slowly right? Not only that but he made my first day (even though it was only half a day) the hardest day possible. He did this just to rip off the bandaid. I know he wanted me to experience all of the heartaches in one day so I wouldn't have to keep wondering what it would be like when.....
So I woke up that Monday morning already nervous as could be. I went to dress Hallie like I always did when I realized that she was wearing the same exact jammies as she wore that last morning we had with Avery Kate. Heather texted me asking if I wanted Starbucks, yes please. I then cried the entire way to school and accidentally turned down the road to go to Honey and Pops. And the tears kept coming. I parked at school, dried my face, and walked in. I was greeted with lots of hugs and smiles. Then I heard the words from a student, "Sorry your baby died Mrs. Soileau!" Of course they didn't mean anything but to be sweet by saying that but it was like a knife to the gut for me. I smiled and kept walking. I could hear the kids whispering about me, but I kept walking down that long hallway to my classroom. Everyone had to go to the library, so we did. We did OK the rest of that morning, but around 10:00 I realized that we had art for enrichment. Really? Does it all have to be the same!! I brought the kids to art, phone in hand. Then the butterflies really sunk in. You know that feeling when you're speeding and you suddenly see a cop and you wonder if he saw you or not? You keep looking in the rearview mirror just praying that he won't turn on his lights? Well that's the feeling I had that entire morning, more like every day since she passed, but that morning was the worst. When it was time to pick them up from art, I started to cry. I just couldn't help but think that it was that moment that Avery Kate took her last breath. Then we all went to the classroom to put away our art folders and line up for computer lab. Seriously?? We only go twice a week and this is the day we go? Let's just make an exact carbon copy of the worst day of my life, and replay it. It was soooo hard! But at least I got to leave for New Orleans at noon. I was with the best bunch of girls for three days. It was just what I needed. I got to see the best technology practices and even presented at the conference. Heather and I were given Saints ticketsfrom some wonderful friends for Monday Night Football. I'm telling you, I let loose and had a great time!
Then, back to school again Thursday. I really don't remember how that day went, but I'm guessing it was just fine, leaving out the fact that I cried the entire way to school of course. Then I had the Leadership Day Friday. It was very therapeutic. There was only one part of that day that bothered me. There was a quote that said, "Life doesn't give you what you need. It gives you what you deserve." Ummm... no. Absolutely not! I do not agree with that statement whatsoever. I don't think I deserved to lose my child one bit. I loved her, I cared for her, and I would have given my own life in her place. I didn't deserve that at all. And what about those parents who abuse their kids, put drugs in their bottles, deprive them of food and nutrition? They deserve to keep their kids and keep enduring them in misery? I realize I'm not God, and I would never wish for anyone, good person or not, to have to go through the pain of losing a child. I'm not saying that at all. But I am saying that I didn't deserve it. I guess it's just the way of life, and I'll never know God's plan. I do pray that I will one day understand His plan. And if anyone out there ever gets a copy of it, please share it with me, and if not, I know when I get to the Pearly Gates myself, I will understand it all.